patrick stewart american comedy awards 2014 American Comedy Awards best lines: Bill Cosby honored, a 'Downton Abbey' slam and moreWe could quote the nearly the entire broadcast of the American Comedy Awards for best lines, but we don’t have time to transcribe two full hours of an awards show, even for one this funny. Sorry. Here are just a few of the gems:

Billy Eichner on Will Ferrell, who is not there to accept his award: “It’s so ungrateful. I mean, what a burden it is to win an award. He’s stuck in New Orleans. Oh, if only there were some way for a huge movie star to get from New Orleans to New York. At least we didn’t give it to Bruce Dern. Thank god we didn’t give it to him, what’s he ever done? What’s he ever done? Don’t feel guilty if you voted for Will over Bruce Dern because I’m sure Bruce Dern has so many more opportunities to win! The man’s 9,000 years old. God****it!”

Amy Poehler on Craig Robinson hosting: “A lot of people ask, ‘Are women funny?’ But not enough people make the statement that black people are funnier than white people.”

[Side note: Based on the comments people kept making about the great job Craig was doing, we think he must have been doing some pretty R-rated material because barely any of his bits made it to air. Hee hee.]

Chris Rock to Craig Robinson at the piano: “You kind of look like Isaac from ‘The Love Boat.'”

Patrick Stewart, as he laughs over the viral videos he is introducing: “C’mon Patrick, get yourself together.”

Brit Steven Merchant on the Best Comedy Series category: “I hate to be a stickler, but there are only American shows nominated, so it’s not the best television series anywhere. … We’re actually making some great comedies in Britain at the moment, which I think could give you a run for your money in this category next year. If I could just mention for a moment some of my favorite British TV comedies for your consideration: ‘The 12:15 to Folkingham,’ about the crew of a train line that runs to Queen’s Snatch. Hilarious. That’s of course, don’t forget that’s a spinoff from the classic show ‘Teabaggers,’ about life in a teabag factory run by perverts. And “Bangers & Mash,” that has the great tagline ‘Ian Bangers is black, Duncan Mash is a racist, how are they gonna run an antique shop together?’ And last, of course, ‘Downton Abbey,’ a laughable sex farce about the English nobility that no one in their right mind would take seriously.”

Chris Rock introducing Bill Cosby: “Without ‘The Cosby Show’ back then, we might not have a black man in the oval office today. Obama is the first black president, but Bill Cosby is the man to act like the first black president.”

Bill Cosby on being nervous at one of his first big gigs: “I did my 35-minute act in 18 minutes. And I said, ‘Thank you and goodnight.’ There was no applause, they all just said, ‘And goodnight to you too.'”

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."