laura antm all stars motorc 'America's Next Top Model': Most ridiculous photoshoot ever?It’s a double elimination on “America’s Next Top Model” week, where they have what is maybe the most ridiculous photoshoot of all time (and that is saying something).

The Challenge

The girls are at the Roosevelt Hotel to design their own fragrance. Ooh, that’s awesome. I would really get into that challenge. Lisa names her scent “Neon,” Laura goes with “Love,” Dominique goes with “Survivor,” Shannon names hers “Smitten,” Angelea names hers “Angelea” (of coruse she does, Angelea rules), Allison names hers “Honey Blood,” Kayla’s is “Free” (again, snoooooze), Bianca’s is “Candid” and Alexandria’s is “Diamondatrix.” Huh.

I wish these were for sale because I really want to smell them all. I feel like I would like Allison’s just because I love her and I’m kind of a big weirdo like her. But who knows? I want to smell them!

For the challenge, they are selling their scent from a bathtub and being scored by their fans. The winner is safe from elimination.

Bianca immediately has a fit about how Tyra would never debase herself by selling a fragrance in a bathtub. Well, that’s true. But Tyra is a multi-millionaire former supermodel with an empire of products. You are the fourth-place finisher from a cycle of a reality modeling show. Stop acting like you are above all this when you came back to do it again.

At the fragrance launch party, they are in a garden-y area and some are more into the tubs than others. Anyone surprised Lisa just climbs right in and goes a little nutty? She’s a trip. And her boobies keep being pixelated. Meanwhile, Bianca keeps shaking her head and looking disapprovingly at Lisa, then says she’s never seen Tyra or Beyonce in a tub. First off, as I already said, you’re not Tyra or Beyonce, Bianca. Secondly, you think Tyra has never done something weird like this before she was a supermodel? As Lisa said, you gotta put in the time doing the silly crap before you can be a Beyonce.

That’s just how the show biz arena works. Very few people get something right out of the gate that catapults them to the level of stardom where they can be picky about their work. You think Jennifer Aniston wanted to be in “Leprechaun” before “Friends”? You think DiCaprio thought “Growing Pains” was going to win him an Emmy? No. You have to work your way up, that is how it works.

I hope they rip her apart at panel. What a ridiculous diva.

After the competition, we find out only the fragrance of the winner of the whole season will be released. Bummer. I want them all! Anyway, Lisa and “Neon” wins the challenge, but that just keeps her safe at panel. You’d think they’d want to release the fragrance that got the best scores, not from the cycle winner.

The Photoshoot

They’re riding a motorcycle and posing as reality characters. Wow. Reality stars posing as reality stars? That’s so meta I could just vomit. Also, how is this applicable to anything? This is stupid. Alexandria is completely right in being upset about just being told she looked like a reality star in her last photo and now being told to embody someone like Snooki or NeNe Leakes. This might be the grossest photoshoot yet. Seriously, what in God’s name does this have to do with fashion (or anything, really)?

Laura gets NeNe for her look and I barely recognize her. She’s adorable, I want to be Laura’s friend. Kayla is a Snooki, but can’t stop getting distracted by the cat-callers. Angelea is a Nene and hilariously, a passer-by thinks she’s Tyra. Ha!

Bianca is giving everybody lessons about who NeNe is. She’s surprised that some of the girls want to be in “this business” and don’t “watch television.” Um, look – I’m sure models the world over don’t watch the third stepchild of the “Real Housewives” franchise and they are getting along fine. Secondly, I watch more television than just about anybody I know and still don’t watch the “Real Housewives of Atlanta.” So let’s not act like models (or just a TV watcher) should just know all about NeNe Leakes, hmm?

She’s too good to shill from a bathtub but she’s all uppity about people not watching a “Real Housewives” show. Okey dokey.

Lisa’s NeNe is actually pretty awesome, she’s such a kook. Alliso is Snooki and … that’s a stretch. Dominque is a Snooki and she, wow, straddles the biker. Heh. Bianca takes the idea of using pickles and then Shannon tries to steal it. Allison hilariously wants to eat one, but bianca thinks she’s stealing one too, so she takes them away from “Ali cat.”

Jay is not wild about the pickle and neither am I. It’s too phallic, it’s too on the nose, it’s too overt. Alexandria is NeNe and she doesn’t seem to know what to do. She’s almost … doing a waggle finger because that’s what black women do (in her mind). Shannon is a terrible Snooki, but she looks beautiful.


Kathy Griffin is there, which is totally pointless. Don’t get me wrong, I love Griffin, but she adds even less to panel than Nicki Minaj or Ashlee Simpson did. The NeNes are first: Laura has a really fun photo. Angelea looks beautiful. Dominique is standing up in her picture, which is cool, but her face is scowling in a very unattractive way. Alexandria’s picture is not my favorite, (what black girls do, as I said), but the judges love it. Lisa’s NeNe is gorgeous. Completely high fashion.

Now we have the Snookis: Kayla looks like she’s stripping. Allison is surprisingly awesome, very energetic picture. Bianca is completely snooze in the picture and is also hilariously brandishing a pickle. Shannon’s picture is not Snooki at all and is kinda boring, but she’s very pretty in the picture.

The challenge comes up and Tyra points out what I said earlier – you’re not Beyonce, Bianca. You’re a nobody trying to get ahead any way you can.

Tyra ends panel by musing, “Who’s not going to be in our motorcycle club anymore?” I hope it’s like SAMCRO and they have to burn the “ANTM” tattoo off whomever is eliminated.

The Elimination

My vote for best picture is Laura, while my choices for elimination are Bianca and Shannon. So let’s see if I’m right.

Best photo goes to Lisa (wow, she’s on fire), followed by Angelea, Laura, Alexandria, Allison, Dominique, leaving Shannon, Kayla and Bianca in the Bottom 3. The one who stays is … Shannon. Huh. Bummer about Kayla, I think she’s stronger than Shannon. No surprise on Bianca.

Next week
: Music videos. Um, what? What if they can’t sing?

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."