In figuring out our dream casting, Zap2it is treating this movie like the serious cinematic masterpiece it is bound to be — when in reality, the cast will probably consist of Erika Eleniak and Eric Roberts in old-age makeup. But we say shoot for the stars, Lifetime.
Anna Nicole Smith: A pretty, but plain
girl growing up in small town Texas who transformed herself though
sheer willpower into a model and Playmate. Might we suggest Lindsay Lohan. Sure, she’s no Oscar-winner, but it’s just too perfect, right?
Howard K. Stern: A “lawyer-guy-friend-weirdo” whose law firm is going under, so he devotes his entire focus to representing Anna Nicole. We like Michael Imperioli for this one, mostly ’cause he’s kind of a dead ringer.
Danny, Anna’s son: Wry, cute and intelligent, dislikes Stern. Picks up his mom’s pill popping habit and cuts his young life short. Who better to bring the right amount of gravitas to the role than Aaron Paul. Sure, he’s a little old to be playing Lindsay Lohan’s son, but since she looks 40 and he can certainly play younger, we think it could work.
J. Howard Marshall, Anna’s billionaire husband in his 80s: Skin going gray, bald head, liver sports everywhere. “A pointlessness dulls the glint that used to be in his eyes.” This has to be Kirk Douglas, right? Who else could do it? And the age difference between Douglas and Lohan (70 years) is in the ballpark, since Anna and J. Howard were 63 years apart.
Anna’s mother Virgie: A plain-looking deputy living in a hard Texas town. Get Conchata Ferrell a dye job and we have a winner.
E. Pierce: Howard’s son who makes it his mission to destroy Anna and dedicate a legal team to making sure she doesn’t receive any money. This guy’s pretty blah looking, but since he’s supposed to be the big villain, we like William Hurt aged up just a bit.
Weirdly, there is no casting listed for Larry Birkhead, Anna Nicole Smith’s baby daddy. But Lifetime should definitely see if they can find time in Keith Urban’s “Idol” schedule.
What do you think of our casting choices, Lifetime fans?