clare ashlee graham bachelor in paradise 'Bachelor in Paradise': AshLee Frazier slut shames Clare Crawley, because she's fake and crazyThis week’s two-part “Bachelor in Paradise” promises to be craziest episodes yet. We can hardly wait.

Post-Rose Ceremony

Everyone is very excited that Michelle Money gets to stay, as Danielle slinks off into the night all, “Catch ya on the flip side, jerks.” Michelle says she “literally” went from feeling like she was going home to feeling like she was getting to stay, which is … yes, that is correct. Not sure it needed a “literally.”

Robert gets the first date card because the producers of this show continue to show us how much they love us. I’m seriously doodling “Mrs. ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ producers” on my Lisa Frank trapper keeper, y’all.

Michelle Money almost swallows her tongue when Robert asks Sarah to go with him on the date, then she goes to cry in the bathroom and wonder what she’s doing wrong? Um, he just gave Sarah a rose! Remember how like 24 hours ago, you were mad that Danielle asked Marquel on a date and Marquel agreed to go, because you had just given him a rose and thought that made him your property? Is Robert just supposed to throw Sarah aside? Can’t have it both ways, Michelle.

But apparently, when it’s Michelle getting jilted, it’s not cool, but if it were Sarah getting jilted, it’d be fine. Also, the lack of interest on the guys’ part is not because Michelle is a single mom. These days, half the people that come on this show have a kid. It’s practically become a cliche.

Aside — can I just say how amazing the “Clare draws the knives out of a butcher block” shot is that they keep using in the previews? The sound editors make it sound like she’s unsheathing a broadsword.

sarah herron bachelor in paradise 'Bachelor in Paradise': AshLee Frazier slut shames Clare Crawley, because she's fake and crazyRobert and Sarah’s date

Michelle does Sarah’s hair for the date and acts like it’s just torture, but she finds it in herself to rise above her heartache and make Sarah’s hair look amazing. That’s big of you, Money. Who do we call about a sainthood nom?

On the date, Robert and Sarah seem to have fun. I’m not sure I feel fireworks between them, but they’re cute together. Not even the use of “Saradise” can make me abandon Team Sarah Herron. If this doesn’t work out with Robert, Sarah should be the next bachelorette.

New arrival drama

Back at the tiki hut, Michelle hopes the next guys who come into the show are ones she can have a connection with. Spoiler alert — Cody and Kalon are not those guys.

Cody is there with designs on Clare, and when he asks her out, she has to gently tell him she’s involved with someone already. Cody insists that there’s no harm in one date, so she says she’ll talk to Zack — but it’s not because she wants to see if Zack is OK with her going on a date, it’s because she has realized that Zack is the only guy for her and she wants to see if he feels the same way. That’s a dangerous game to play and, of course, Clare does not get the desired response from Zack. He’s like, “Do your thang, mamacita. Let’s just hang loose,” and she’s like, “Wrong answer, dude. Where is my raccoon friend that I cry to?”

Later, Clare insanely compares this situation to Zack being married and saying to his wife, “At this point in time, I want to be with you, but down the road, who knows?” Um, Clare? That’s not the same thing as what is happening here. You are not Zack’s wife.

And then to top it all off, she still rejects Cody. Oh my god, it’s just one date. It’s a chance to go do something fun! There’s not a nookie clause or something. Have some self-respect and see what else is out there, Clare. 

But then Cody does something super awesome — oh, wait. For a second, I thought Cody was going to ask Marcus to go on a bro-date with him! That would have been so great. But instead, he just gives Marcus the card so Marcus can take Lacy out. Well, that’s nice too, but I was really pumped about a bro-date. I love the guys from Andi’s season, and it delights me to no end that they all became such good friends. However, giving Marcus the date is still a baller move on Cody’s part because it makes Clare question if she chose the right man. I have to say — Cody doesn’t really do it for me, but as a person, he seems incredibly sweet.

Later, Zack finally pees on Clare’s leg and declares her his own. But that is not enough for Clare. She wants her pound of flesh, so she starts telling Zack that if he wants to date other girls, he should do it. Once he has sufficiently groveled and insisted that he only likes Clare, she relents, so they kiss and make up. Poor Cody.

Marcus and Lacy’s date

Lacy starts the date by saying to us in an interview, “I’m so happy to be with Marcus. He’s all about me.” Oh, Lacy. Do you know how that sounds? She also says they haven’t said I love you “yet.” Um, thank god? You’ve known each other like a week.

But at dinner, Lacy dons a bucket hat, baits her hook with her big brown eyes (not literally, ew) and starts fishing for that prized catch, the elusive “I love you.” When Marcus accidentally says that he loves her, she’s “taken back,” but to where, she does not say. *sigh*

Pity, party of one

Michelle isn’t interested in Cody, but the new arrival catches her eye — until she sees that it’s Kalon. Now, here’s my feelings on Kalon: I think he’s kind of a d-bag, but the “baggage” comment that the show makes us relive is not the reason why. If you’re a regular reader, you know how I feel about that. Suffice to say that Emily Maynard really does bring a tremendous amount of baggage into a relationship, and I think he was just being honest.

However, there are lots of other reasons to dislike Kalon, which is why it surprises me when Michelle accepts his date invite. I mean, I see these dates as chances to get away for a few hours, so why not? But she seems to really dislike Kalon, so I’m surprised she says yes. Plus then Kalon gets really gross talking about motorboating her boobs. Ugh.

Michelle and Kalon’s date

In the harsh light of day, Michelle tells Kalon that she can’t go on the date with him because of the baggage thing, so he’s off to find another date. His tactic is to call Sarah and Jackie sun lizards and then ask Jackie out. Shockingly, she says no. Then he wanders away for three minutes, wanders back and then asks out Sarah. Oh. My. God. Dude. Again, shockingly, Kalon is rejected.

He ends up going on the date alone, and the love notes from production continue as Kalon and the producers film Kalon talking to himself like he’s in love with himself. Hee. Amazing.

jesse kovacs bachelor in paradise 'Bachelor in Paradise': AshLee Frazier slut shames Clare Crawley, because she's fake and crazyThe third arrival

It’s Jesse Kovacs, who someone calls “old” because he was on Jillian’s season of “The Bachelorette.” Um, he’s 32, not “Mark from ‘Road Rules'” old, you guys. Plus, Michelle Money is older than he is, so.

Also, his age is apparently not deterring anyone, because several of the girls are kind of sl
obbering on him. He asks Jackie out and she says yes, which Marquel is not happy about.

Jesse and Jackie’s date

Their date takes them to a beautiful cave, it’s very romantic. Jesse realizes that he “literally” has one night to get someone to give him a rose the next day. He is correct, so I’ll allow it, plus Jackie straight-up calls him out for strategizing about getting a rose. He plays it off that he’s not strategizing and instead sucks up to her by saying how pretty she is. Jackie appears to fall for it. Oh, Jackie. Did you not watch how Jesse was with Elizabeth on the first season of “Bachelor Pad”? He is bad news bears.

Random cave band.

The tiki hut

Michelle decides that Cody is better than nothing, so the bomp-chicka-wow-wow music kicks up as he gives her a back massage. Michelle is pretty lonely, so she’s down with it.

The next day, Clare tells Cody that she and Zack are going to see how things go. But while she’s doing that, Zack is talking to AshLee and she’s kind of giving him the third degree about Clare. AshLee says Clare is “cuckoo” and then goes, “She f***ed a guy in the ocean, are you kidding me?” Then she awesomely says, “I’m surprised there’s not a camera on us.” Oh sweetie — but there is.

When she figures out there was a camera on them, she kind of freaks out and starts running around trying to do damage control. But her “damage control” is just her telling everyone what she said about Clare and insisting that they don’t know for sure that Clare didn’t have sex with Juan Pablo in the ocean — which is SO not the point. Whether she did or she didn’t, it’s not your place to discuss it with the man Clare is now seeing.

Lacy informs us viewers that AshLee is one person on camera and one person off camera, so she goes to tell Clare what AshLee said about her.

To his credit, Zack doesn’t care what Clare did or did not do with Juan Pablo, but Clare cares very much about AshLee saying something about it to Zack (as she should), so she wants to talk to AshLee about it. Meanwhile, AshLee has the gall to say to Jackie that she’s been above and beyond nice to Clare, despite what her head is really thinking and that Clare is going to “start something” with her.

Um, you’re darn right Clare is going to start something with you! You’re lucky Clare doesn’t round up all the woodland creatures under her control and attack you with them. *knife shot*

zack clare bachelor in paradise 'Bachelor in Paradise': AshLee Frazier slut shames Clare Crawley, because she's fake and crazyThe confrontation

Zack tries to tell Clare to just focus on their relationship and ignore AshLee, but she’s out for blood. She’s also kind of offended that Zack didn’t stick up for her — but he kind of did — and that Zack didn’t come to her right away to tell her, rather than her hearing about it from the other girls. That point is valid.

Later, AshLee tells Clare she’s “not sure what’s wrong” and Clare, like all of us, is in total disbelief that AshLee would play dumb like this. Clare then  tells AshLee that they aren’t friends and it was disrespectful to talk to Zack about what she did or did not do with Juan Pablo.

Clare insists that she did nothing wrong with Juan Pablo and she accepts AshLee’s apology, but she says what AshLee did was tacky. Indeed. “Tacky” is putting it mildly. I wonder what Clare’s reaction has been now that she can see the actual footage of the conversation,  because AshLee didn’t just innocuously bring it up. She was basically telling Zack that he shouldn’t get tied down to Clare because she’s the kind of girl who would “f*** a guy in the ocean.” It was the worst kind of slut-shaming.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — AshLee sucks. She’s just not a nice person.

Cocktail Party

Cody makes a play for Michelle, and she acts like he has swept her off her feet. Hmm. She’s at least correct that he’s a good guy, but I’m not sure they’re going to live happily ever after. Either way, Cody wants to stay, so it’s all fair game. It’s really only Jackie’s rose that is in contention at this point. I feel like she’s going to give it to Marquel. We shall see.

Meanwhile, Michelle doesn’t think Graham should accept AshLee’s rose because AshLee isn’t good enough for him. When she talks to him, it turns out he doesn’t even know what AshLee did to Clare, so Michelle is here to educate him on what AshLee has been up to.

Graham is disappointed to hear about what AshLee did and wonders if she’s disingenuous because she would say something to someone she didn’t want on camera, but he doesn’t talk to her about it before the Rose Ceremony — because where would be the fun in that? That’s not high drama.

Rose Ceremony

The roses go Lacy-Marcus, Clare-Zack, AshLee — hold the phone. Graham needs a second, so he goes off alone and Michelle follows him to talk. AshLee just stands there, which I call BS on. Why wouldn’t she go after him? Did production make her stay there?

To be continued!

What will happen?! Find out tomorrow night, gang.

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."