It’s time for “Bachelor in Paradise” episode 2 — can it possibly live up to the premiere, which is maybe the greatest thing I’ve ever written about in the history of this job? Based on the previews at the top of the hour, it certainly looks like it, but let’s find out!
The Michelle Kujawa situation
Chris Harrison is here to walk us through this “very special segment” part of “Bachelor in Paradise.” Apparently, Michelle and a crew member named Ryan became friendly at the hotel before filming started. When confronted about it, she admitted to the relationship to a producer. Then after she was eliminated, she and Ryan were going to get caught in her room, so he did what any sensible person would do — he jumped off the balcony and broke both legs.
This is amazing.So many thoughts. First of all, “Ryan Putz”? LOL. Secondly, are they still together?! The people want to know! And finally, the weirdest part of the whole thing is how Michelle did not want to talk to Chris Harrison about it.
She says, quote, “No, he’s not [the guy to talk to], he’s just the host.”
Just the host? Just the host?! Oh, he is so much more than Just. The. Host. How dare you, Michelle K.
The many men of Boobs McGee
Lacy has two tall, lanky hunks interested in her. I would give a million dollars to AshLee Frazier if she would scream at Lacy, “Oh no, two men love me. They’re both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet’s too small for my fifties and MY DIAMOND SHOES ARE TOO TIGHT!”
Just when you thought It was safe to go back in the water …
The “Jaws”-esque music as Chris Bukowski walks up is inspired. “You yell ‘barracuda,’ everybody says, ‘Huh? What?’ You yell ‘Bukowski,’ we’ve got a panic on our hands on the 4th of July.” Marcus comments that he hopes Bukowski isn’t going to “steal anybody’s women.”
First of all, Marcus — women be doin’ it for themselves, so it’s not a matter of “stealing” so much as a woman choosing to be with him. And if that is the case, she kind of deserves whatever she gets w/r/t Bukowski. His reputation more than precedes him at this point.
Chris invites Clare and her smile gets ever-so-slightly fixed in the split second before she says yes. He starts off on the right foot by telling her she “can go get ready” and she’s like, “I’m ready, but thanks for that.”
The date starts off with a couple’s massage, which is kind of awesome, because you can just lie there and relax and not really interact with the guy if you don’t want to, plus you get a massage! Win-win.
Bukowski tries to tell Clare how if the right woman can just come along, he’ll be the most loyal, most wonderful partner to her. Well … hmm. It really shouldn’t hinge on the “right girl” that much. Like, he’ll be a cad until the right one comes along? Good guys are just good guys, I think.
But it must be working on Clare because she lets Bukowski give her a rub down. Oh, Clare. I’m still Team Clare, but I’m watching you. *points two fingers at eyes, points them at screen*
Robert is not happy that Lacy is *literally* holding hands with Marcus in front of him on the beach. He calls it “not classy” and like “throwing mud in someone’s face.” Can we all just agree that requiring anything on this show to be “classy” is not going to fly? Let’s all be adults and drop the charade.
Marcus gets the next date card, which is excellent planning on production’s part. I really enjoy how they’re stirring the pot in these small ways, like having Marcus get to hand out his rose before Robert last week.
In other love triangle news, Elise says she’s falling in love with Dylan and their canoodling so far (it’s been, what, two days?) is shown through a gauzy filter like they’re engaged already. But Dylan is feeling a bit smothered because so far he hasn’t gotten to hang out with anybody other than Elise. Elise says she can pump the brakes, figuring that it’s the old adage: If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you after some other girl doesn’t let them make with the sexytime in the ocean, they’re yours forever.
So Elise takes Dylan’s speech to mean that Dylan wants her “to be fed to the sharks.” She ominously warns, “Watch out what you wish for,” puts on a teeny, TINY bikini and goes ocean-romping with Bukowski. She thinks this will get Dylan “in check.” Oh, honey.
On the one hand, she’s totally free to do whatever she wants and Dylan did say he wanted a little breathing room. So do your thing. But on the other hand, you don’t have to “do your thing” up to 11. Dial it back a little.
But Elise is now apparently single and ready to mingle, because she starts making out with Bukowski in full view of everyone while Dylan sleeps in his room. Luckily, Clare at least has her wits about her again and says, “The odds of Chris getting my rose this week? Not a chance.” She means her *literal* rose, not some kind of vajayjay euphemism. Though she hopefully means that too.
Lacy wants to know about Marcus’ relationship with Andi. He maintains that he found love with Andi, but says that he’s all in with Lacy. That’s … pretty much it. Seriously. Most boring date ever.
The day after Bukowski
Michelle Money tells Elise to carpe Bukowski … YOBO … whatever, she tells Elise to get her groove on. Elise says she wants to be married and have kids, so I would say perhaps you just ruined the chance of that with Dylan by scaling Mt. Bukowski in the ocean. Michelle says at the very least, Elise has to tell Dylan what happened.
Oh my god, I hope Dylan and Bukowski fight. That would be amazing.
Elise comes clean to Dylan and he sort of clarifies what he meant, though it comes across as something that could easily be misinterpreted. I think what Dylan wanted was just for them not to hang out alone all the time, i.e. be social, hang out with the other contestants. Not be so separate from everyone. But it could easily be interpreted as him saying he wants to see other girls there. His reaction to Elise also might smack of some slut-shame-y vibes, because he’s like, “I can’t believe you kissed him,” but I honestly think he’s just really surprised that Elise took things so far, instead of just detaching herself from him for one night. Either way, he wasn’t terribly clear about what he wanted.
Elise does not help herself when she insists she was “thinking of Dylan” the whole time she was kissing Bukowski. Um, don’t say things like that. If that’s true, that’s super creepy, and if it’s not true, why would you say it?
Elise’s next offense is saying that Dylan is “literally” killing her right now. Um, that would be a very different show, Elise. But Dylan is drawing a line in the sand — if she cared about him, she wouldn’t ha
ve done hooked up with Bukowski and he won’t accept her rose if offered (at least not right now). We wonder if he’ll change his tune just so he can stay in paradise?
Later, Elise babbles some stuff about her vision board or putting positive visions into the universe or whatever and is determined to get Dylan back, while Bukowski keeps working on Elise because he’s scared of getting sent home. Bukowski has also “cleverly” decided that Dylan is “Fat Damon.” Ooooh, burn (sarcasm).
Zack K. arrives
Zack (not Zakkkkk) from Desire’s season arrives and Clare is excited because now she has a person to give her rose to. She’s not necessarily in love with him, but she knows him as a friend and likes him. Man, if Dylan decides he’ll accept Elise’s rose, then Bukowski might be SOL because Clare sure as heck isn’t giving Bukowski her rose.
Zack does ask Clare on his date, which means Robert is also sweating things. Yeah, right now, the last rose will apparently come down to Robert, Bukowski and Dylan, provided Sarah still wants to give her rose to Ben. (As we’ll see later, her rose is not set in stone.)
On the date, Clare says Zack has “good pheromones.” Um, woo woo? That’s a weird thing to say. But she’s all a-tingle over Zack’s “pheromones” and they hit the ocean. The ocean is like the helicopter of this show.
He asks Sarah and she’s hesitant, because she doesn’t want Elise to stab her in her sleep. Sarah asks how Elise feels about her going on a date with Dylan and Elise cries, but tells Sarah that she and Dylan will work things out, so it’s OK if Sarah goes on the date. Oh, Elise. You’re kind of delusional.
Back at the Bachelor Tiki Hut, Elise wonders how she and Dylan got to this point. Um, when you stuck your tongue down Bukowski’s throat would be my guess. She blames Dylan for not just “embracing” their awesome connection, but — first of all, you misinterpreted what Dylan meant by needing space. Secondly, you turned into an insane 13-year-old when you decided you needed to make him super jealous. Finally, if you had stopped at the hint of hooking up with someone else, this may have worked for you. But you actually went and hooked up with someone else, so.
Later, she blames Dylan some more, this time for “putting her in the shark tank,” where “a shark bit her.” Elise! Take some responsibility. It’s great that you apologized, but that doesn’t mean he has to take you back, you know? An apology is a good first step, not a fix-all.
Dylan and Sarah are having a nice time, it seems. Dylan has nothing but good things to say about her, so he hopes she’ll give him a rose.
Ben has a girlfriend
So, Marcus and Marquel “find” a letter from a woman to Ben, talking about how she gets him for a lifetime after he gets back from the three-week “Bachelor in Paradise” excursion. Honestly, this smacks of manufactured drama to me. Why would Ben bring that? Why would Marcus read it, even if he did just “happen” to have it fall out of the backpack he spilled water on?
Marcus confronts Ben, who says that it’s true. He met this Lindsey person right before he came on “Bachelor in Paradise” and they fell for each other fast. Clare-bear plays spy and Marquel tells Clare that Ben has a love letter from someone, which she tells everybody else. Michelle Money decides that they need to confront Ben and … she cries? Why is Michelle crying? This is ridiculous.
Marquel thinks Ben is being disrespectful, but honestly? Stop. This is a chance to go drink and hang out in Mexico. It’s not the same as “The Bachelor/ette.” He’s there to have a good time and Michelle and Marquel are acting like he’s a total jerk. “This is not a f***ing vacation,” cries Michelle. Um, that’s exactly what this is. Let’s be adults.
Clare says they all “put so much on the line” for this show. What, exactly, would that be? What did you “put on the line”? What are the “wrong reasons” to come on this show? Oh my god, you guys. I like Michelle Money and Clare, but stop it. This is not a slap in the face. There are no “right reasons” to be on this show.
Ben admits that he was acting selfishly by coming on the show when he was interested in someone back at home, and he leaves. Eh, whatever. Is anybody really that upset either way? Besides Michelle Money, who apparently can’t stop crying. Why does she even care? She’s with Marquel!
Bukowski talks about how it has to be a two-way street. It’s good that he has identified that he can’t force a woman to love him. But Sarah and Elise’s roses are definitely the only roses up for grabs. It will come down to Robert, Dylan and Bukowski, and I think Bukowski will to go home.
But wait! It’s time for a Marquel-tervention. He’s concerned about Michelle Money’s perceived drinking problem, which — OK, it’s fine if you aren’t into drinking and don’t want to be with someone who is into drinking, but like, don’t act as though Michelle’s some high-functioning alcoholic or something. He definitely did say “You like to drink” in a bit of a judgmental way.
Meanwhile, Sarah is nervous because she’s thinking about giving Dylan her rose, but Elise may then try to drown her in the ocean, so that’s a concern. Elise is still delusionally thinking that she and Dylan just have to get past this, but newsflash, honey — Dylan is past it. Without you.
When it’s time to hand out the roses, it goes Lacy-Marcus, AshLee-Graham, Clare-Zack, Michelle-Marquel (the sweet eyeglasses > judging drinking thing, I guess), then Elise gets straight-up rejected by Dylan. He tries to hug her, which is kind of a bridge too far. Just go back to your place, dude.
But then Elise takes this moment to say, “I know that you know that life brings a lot of things. Life brings ups and downs and I know that myself and every woman here deserve someone that is going to be there through thick and thin, through sickness and health, through everything.”
And lest you think the “Bachelor” editors do not love us viewers, they continually show that they do. This time it’s by playing that crazy circus music during Elise’s speech. Eventually, Elise gives her rose to Bukowski. Sarah interviews that he must feel like chopped liver and he does look a little chagrined, but honestly, he’s probably more like, “Jackpot. Now she’s sad and desperate, just the way I like ’em.”
The final rose goes from Sarah to … Robert! Whoa. Sarah is obviously not crazy, which is good. She just wants to get to know Robert better and also doesn’t want all that Dylan drama. Probably a smart move.
So, this wasn’t quite on par with the premiere episode, but it was close. I’m definitely still in head over heels for this show.
Next week: AshLee’s crazy rears its ugly head. Again. And Bukowksi is an a-hole. Try to contain your shock.