bones body in the bag 'Bones': Brennan cleans up her mess    and a shower full of gooey body parts

It seems like it’s been ages since “Bones” dropped that epic bomb on us. But that doesn’t mean they’re not going to clean up their romantic mess.

The first episode of the winter season actually does a pretty bang-up job addressing how Brennan’s (Emily Deschanel) declaration of love for Booth (David Boreanaz) will affect all three parties in this pseudo-love triangle.

But it also gets back to business, offering a traditional-style case that, regardless of what the promos would have had you believe, in no way involved a “celebutante.” Now let’s do like we do.

For the Squints:

  • Previously, on “Grey’s Anatomy…” Just kidding. But in all seriousness, who else thought they had the wrong channel on when some dude, dressed in what looked like scrubs, showed up calling for “Paisley.” That is such a “Grey’s” name — but also perfect for a “Bones” cold open, which it clearly was once the decaying body showed up on the bathroom floor. (That, by the way, is what happens to you if you take a three-day shower.)
  • The body is nasty. The remnants of it that come shooting up the drain into Brennan, Booth and Cam’s (Tamara Taylor) faces is nastier. “Scrape it all off into evidence bags and careful not to swallow.” Oh, “Bones,” we’ve missed you. 
  • Sweets (John Francis Daley) does some profiling on Paisley by checking out her “social networking pages.” Hey, it’s not quite “Facebook,” but at least FOX has stopped forcing their writers to try and make MySpace happen. 
  • It turns out that this girl’s death was over a handbag — an impostor Chanel to be precise. What a delightfully pre-recession storyline. The body also isn’t Paisley’s.  The magic of forensics determine that it’s actually an Asian woman. And you know what that means. We’re going to Chinatown.
  • The field trip is a wonderful excuse for Brennan to whip out one of her many foreign dialects, and we learn from some sort of herbalist that the body was his fiance, a waitress at a local Chinese restaurant. 
  • While Booth and Brennan bop around Chinatown off-screen — on a rickshaw, we can only hope — Hodgins (T.J. Thyne) and Clarke the uptight squint-of-the-week bond over skull fragments. But we think we sort of liked Clarke better before he was getting so personal with everybody. 
  • The name “Paisley” sends the hostess at the restaurant into a delightful tizzy. She takes Booth and Brennan to a meat locker filled with counterfeit purses. Not what they were expecting. Then the FBI busts in. Double not what they were expecting! [Sidenote: Really, fake FBI? You need a SWAT team to detain an old lady and a few boxes worth of fake leather?]
  • By some means we didn’t actually notice, Paisley is alive. Her boyfriend comes to Booth with a teddy bear nanny cam. He says that he was spying on her to catch an infidelity, but what he caught was the victim in bed with a murderer! 
  • They watch the tape, but the suspect is blocked by an undulating body. But hold on a second. Angela (Michaela Conlin) uses her magic iPad app to piece his face together through reflections across the room and it’s… the lead FBI agent in the fake purse bust. We did not see this one coming from a mile away. Bravo.

For the Shippers:

  • It’s refreshing when writers know their characters so well. Of course sweets would listen to “Lime in the Coconut” while working out in the morning. We’re also loving his continued sass towards Booth about this whole Hannah (Katheryn Winnick) business. It’s like he speaks for us. Booth tells him about Brennan’s rain-soaked, tearful confession of love, and Sweets insinuates that Booth hasn’t told Hannah because the feeling is mutual.
  • Angela walks in on Hodgins trying to fix the broken pipes in the victims house. So manly! And she brings up something about not wanting to be fancy and raise their child in Hodgins’ old money estate. He skirts the subject, which seems odd considering how anti-fancy he’s always been. 
  • Booth decides to tell Hannah about the whole Brennan thing, and she is caught seriously off guard. Whatever will she say to her when they have a lady lunch? Yes, that’s happening now. 
  • Apparently not. Hannah cancels on Brennan, dropping what Angela calls a little white lie. This is a tough pill for the hyper-literal and exceptionally confused Brennan. She wonders if maybe this is about that life-altering meltdown that resulted in her profession of love for another woman’s live-in boyfriend. I dunno, maybe. 
  • She decides to corner Hannah, who is “late for a meeting with the president.” (Such a Hannah thing to say.) They air all their dirty laundry and everyone is remotely rationale. We feel good about this… until Hannah brings up the president thing again and we wish it was her over-steamed corpse on that bathroom floor. 
  • Hodgins bought Angela the murder house. Only on “Bones” would this be romantic. 
  • We close on Hannah and Brennan downing shots of bourbon, and Hannah briefly trying to get Brennan to date some dude at the bar until he proposes a threesome. The ladies giggle, even though we’re almost positive it’s something both of them would have done in their 20s.

So that’s as resolved as it’s going to be for a while, eh? We probably won’t get any romance next week, as at least one familiar face gets taken out

Posted by:Mikey O'Connell