brooklyn nine nine christmas andy samberg andre braugher fox 'Brooklyn Nine Nine': Christmas comes early with handcuffs and a shooting

Only on “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” can you get two Santas fighting cops in front of a bunch of kids to the strains of Run DMC’s “Christmas in Hollis” in the first minute of the show.

Tonight was the Christmas episode! Merry merry, happy happy… death threats. Holt (Andre Braugher) has been the target of some death threats, and he chooses Jake (Andy Samberg) as his security detail because he figured Jake would leave him alone, breaking the rules, and letting him go on normally in peace. Not so much.

Jake says he’s sticking to him, and offers to take Holt to his mom’s house to work in peace. Holt agrees to that because he “wants to see where… this… all started.” But Jake does a big old switch, and Holt finds himself handcuffed to Jake in a safe house. They pass the time eating sandwiches and playing Wii tennis until Boyle (Joe Lo Truglio) shows up. Holt wanted to be set free so he could go investigate the death threats, but Boyle cuffs himself to Holt’s other hand (“I love you both too much!”)

Meanwhile, Boyle is planning on going on a singles cruise over Christmas (since he’s
realized through direct statements by Rosa that she isn’t “in to him,”)
Santiago tries to get everyone together to take a group Christmas card
for Holt (since he won’t accept any of the six presents she bought him,)
and Terry gets his last psych eval to determine if he’s well enough to
go back out on the streets, specifically focusing on his fears. As you
can imagine, none of these things go well… at least at first.

Jake, Holt, and Boyle go through the death threats, and narrow them down to one person Holt arrested in 1982 (while wearing a great “Miami Vice” style suit and mustache) – Haynes, the “Freestyle Killer.” They assemble the entire precinct to go after him in the Brooklyn rail yards, but he gets tackled, literally by Terry (Terry Crews‘ NFL career continues to serve him well) and Boyle saves Santiago from getting shot by taking the bullet for her. In the butt.

So, Terry is free to go back out in the field through the help of Gina (relapse in 3…2…1…), Rosa is on her way to developing a soft spot for Boyle (maybe,) and we got to see Holt pop-n-lock. It’s a Christmas miracle.

Eventually, we’re going to have to find out about Jake’s seriously damaged childhood, and we were wishing we would have actually met his mom tonight. That would be a great guest role for someone. Maybe for another major holiday. Valentines Day? Arbor Day?

Best Lines:

  • “That’s right. Boom. Just kicked Santa in the testicles.” – Boyle

  • “Why do you care what they think? Psychologists are just people who weren’t smart enough to be psychics.” – Gina
  • “I’m only asking you this for your safety. Is it a number one or a number two?” – Jake
  • “I popped your pillow.” – Terry
  • “Why are there no photographs of you… no holiday decorations… nothing but motel art… This isn’t your mom’s apartment!” – Holt
  • “Tushie!” – Jake (foreshadowing? Perhaps.)
    “That’s ‘touche.'” – Holt

No new show next week, 99ers.  Keep tabs on those handcuff keys.

Posted by:Kiley Thompson