skating with the stars premiere 'Skating With the Stars': Casualty free since November 22, 2010

Much like that Daniel Day-Lewis movie about oil prospecting and milkshakes, it looks like we’re going to have to wait a bit for the blood we’ve been promised.

Sure, ABC may not be plugging “Skating With the Stars” as a dystopian battle to the death were celebrities are forced to dance on knives over unforgiving ice… but that’s sort of why you’re tuning in, right?

Yes, it’s our morbid curiosity about what might go wrong that draws us to “SWTS.” Though, after the premiere, it looks as though we’ll also have some rather exciting performances to look forward to — while we wait for carnage.

So what do we have to say of this first taste of skating? Let’s break it down couple by semi-recognizable couple:

Brandon Mychal Smith and Keauna McLaughlin (36, out of 60)
What do they put in the water over at the Disney Channel? Their lesser known male actors kill it on reality competitions. Brandon earned favorable scores from the judges and showed, possibly, the most personality of the six cast members. We already want to see him in the finals.

Sean Young and Denis Petukhov (34)
It could have been a mess, but it ended up surprisingly graceful. It should be noted, however, that elegance is easily achieved with less challenging routines. And Sean’s seemed significantly simpler than the others.

Jonny Moseley and Brooke Castile (40)
The Olympic edge is clear right off the bat with Jonny. He’s got the drive and his partner is taking full advantage. Despite his unfortunate snafu in rehearsals, he brought it for Week 1. And he may be the most butch, non-hockey-playing fella we’ve ever seen on skates. (Sorry, Scott Hamilton!)

Rebecca Budig and Fred Palascak (45)
Hello there. A childhood spent skating pairs with her sister did the “All My Children” star very well. Praise for lines, posture and musicality made her the the top-scorer of the night — and drew a few accusations of an unfair advantage.

Vince Neil and Jennifer Wester (28)
We’re gonna go out on a limb right now and say that Vince is “Skating’s” David Hasselhoff. The heart is there, but the body won’t cooperate. Watching him try to lift his legs gives us sympathy arthritis.

Bethenny Frankel and Ethan Burgess (29)
With a minor background in skating and an undeniable drive for success in everything she takes on, Bethenny seemed like the one to beat when the cast was announced. Not so much. The judges weren’t impressed with her rigid, shoulder-y routine. She just barely topped Vince. We expect to be pleasantly surprised next week.

So that’s “Skating With the Stars.” Did you just watch because your “Dancing With the Stars” joy coma kept you from getting up to change the channel, or are you on board for the season?

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Photo credit: ABC

Posted by:Mikey O'Connell