So, we’re been teased that this is the “Survivor: Caramoan” episode where Brandon Hantz goes outhouse-rat crazy. We cannot wait.
They feel bad about Laura, but she was terrible in challenges. It’s not the worst move. Shamar’s gone, the Idol’s gone, as Reynold points out, and now they can be more cohesive and not have bad-at-challenges Laura weighing them down.
We’d love to see them pull it together as a tribe, because if the Faves keep winning, that will be pretty boring.
A storm is brewing (both literally and figuratively), as Hantz talks about his family. He’s so upset about leaving his wife and kids at home while he plays “Survivor.” It’s … kind of staggering to us that Hantz has a wife and two kids. He’s like, 14, or something.
He then, in one of his bipolar stints, says he volunteers to go home if they have to go to Tribal Council. He really is kind of crazy and unstable. It’s like — melodrama, anger, apology, melodrama, anger, apology, lather, rinse, repeat. He really is just a tiny little bomb waiting to explode.
The next morning, Brandon says his whole perspective has changed, he’s going to tough it out for his family, and he doesn’t want to volunteer to go home anymore. Ugh, he is so weird.
Two tribe members hold a net (each) up in the air while the other tribe shoots coconuts into the net. More coconuts means heavier net. The last net standing wins. The reward is meat, veggies, wine. Mmm.
The Faves sit out Andrea, Erik and Dawn, then put Phillip and Brandon on the net. Michael and Matt hold the net for the Fans. The Fans are pretty good at shooting — wait, did Phillip just yell out “Kunta Kinte”? Like, Lavar Burton’s name in “Roots”?! WTF.
We wonder if Jeff Probst really doesn’t know what that is, or if he just didn’t want to call Phillip out on it, calling it a “war cry.”
Anyway, Brandon is the target for the Fans and is the first to drop his net. Matt is the next to drop, so it’s the two old guys facing off, Phillip versus Michael. Michael just can’t hang on and Phillip is the big winner. Wow. We’re actually pretty surprised either Reynold or Eddie wasn’t holding a net.
Man, the Fans really need a win. Their morale has to be so low.
Sherri’s mad that they got rid of Laura and they still lost. Um, Laura would not have helped in that challenge, we don’t think. Meanwhile, everybody is Idol-hunting now that Reynold played his. And then Reynold finds it. Seriously?! Ughhhh. He kind of makes us want to heave.
Later, Michael tries to buck everybody up and make things better, but everybody else wants to just be miserable and have a pity party. Plus, it’s been raining for two days, so that kinda sucks.
Back at camp, Brandon is verging on a meltdown, which is insane, because they have a ton of food, everything is coming up roses for them right now. But Brandon is mad because Phillip is taking ownership of winning the challenge. Well, he held his net up and you did not. But also, who gives a fig? You won. You got the meat and the veggies and wine, who cares?
But Brandon says Phillip is a dictator and Phillip tries to walk away, so Brandon tells him to “shut the f*** up” and it just devolves from there because Phillip is also insane — he’s a “street fighter,” y’all. Malcolm is right that this is one of Brandon’s downward swings, but Phillip is the wrong person to engage with Brandon.
Brandon decides he better check himself before he wrecks himself, so he manages to reel in the crazy for half a day. But Phillip has decided Brandon is persona non grata and he’s done with it. These two walking powder kegs deserve each other. It’s a shame only one of them can get got at one time.
Later, when Brandon is on one of his crazy upswings, he rails about some 56-year-old “punk b****” telling him something or other, a Hantz feeds himself, it’s really a lot of ramblings. It really says something when Brandon makes Russell and Willie Hantz look downright normal and stable.
Brandon is also making Phillip look normal, which is no easy feat. Phillip is considering throwing the challenge so they can get rid of Brandon. That’s probably a good move, honestly. Brandon is way too unstable for anyone to align with.
However, stupid Phillip makes the mistake of voicing his “throw the challenge” idea to Andrea, who then more or less spills the beans about that to Brandon. And that is the spark that ignites the Brandon powder keg.
Brandon goes to Phillip and Phillip pulls a move like how consultants toss around jargon that no one understands, like “supposition” and “preactive.” He is obviously confusing Brandon, so Brandon decides to just attack Phillip’s weird nicknames thing and tell him nobody likes him.
Phillip doesn’t really react to that, which isn’t good enough for Brandon, so he storms over to the hut and dumps the rice on the ground, yelling that here’s a reason to vote him now.
The other tribe members try to salvage the rice, as Brandon crows that now Phillip won’t disrespect him anymore. Um, you know why people disrespect you? Because what is there to respect? All you do is either fly off the handle, or get down in the dumps about how bad everything is.
Has anyone ever seen such a textbook example of a short-man complex than Brandon Hantz? It’s insane.
Wow, it is really late in the episode for an Immunity Challenge to start. Is Brandon just going to storm off and start swimming for home? But no, instead, he tells the Fans that they’re going to have an opportunity to make this a game and not to let Phillip get to the end of the game, then Corinne tells the Fans they’re forfeiting the challenge. WHAT?!
Wow, that is ridiculous. Then Probst calls Brandon over to him and wants to know what’s been going on. Hantz then rails on Phillip’s “Stealth R Us” alliance and how he made them all like dolls with the nicknames and how Phillip isn’t a good player, so how dare he act like he’s running the show and Brandon “feeds himself” (there that is again, what?) and they blur out a name Brandon calls Phillip.
So, Probst tries to do some damage control, but Brandon keeps railing about how … he hasn’t cried? He is seriously whacked out, you guys. It’s not funny, it ceased being funny a long time ago. Brandon has problems and probably needs mood-stabilizing drugs.
Phillip starts talking, but Andrea starts crying? She’s upset about the fighting, but Phillip maintains he hasn’t said anything bad about Brandon, which is true, we think. We can’t really recall a time Phillip was going off on Brandon.
Brandon, of course, can’t believe it and keeps talking about how ancient, 100-year-old Phillip is this “special secret agent 3.0” guy and while he has a point about how ridiculous Phillip is, it’s a point that is completely missed because Brandon has completely lost his mind.
Probst is trying to keep this fight from getting physical and Brandon says he’s keeping it from being physical for Probst. Um, also because Phillip would kick your tiny butt from here to Tuesday. Seriously, Brandon is a classic all talk, no action guy. Phillip is kind of a beast, no matter what brand of crazy he is peddling. Phillip would kick Brandon’s hiney.
Phillip tries to tell Brandon that he made a mistake and to grow up, so Brandon’s response is, “Shut up” and then Phillip mentions whoever is taking care of Brandon’s kids an
d Brandon about charges over to Phillip, which — we wish. That would be amazing.
So, we’re having TC right on the spot. They’re hashing things out right here. Brandon votes for Phillip, then everybody else votes for Brandon. So Brandon’s out of here.
He’s a lot of talk, guys. But he’s a ridiculous little man who needs some serious help. To illustrate this point, he thinks he went out “Braveheart”-style and is proud that he was the “author of [his] elimination.”
Next week: Is it a “drop your buffs” situation?!