Trump, aka The Donald, aka The Billion Dollar (Bad) Hair-Do introduces us by telling us how big the stars are this season. Instead of the truth — “Eh? Not so much” — he lies that they’re all big stars. And he would know, y’all, because he brought us Piers! Joan! Bret! Who were nothing before him. He tries to make a joke about this, but some of us (me) actually didn’t know who Piers Morgan was, and had forgotten about Bret Michaels. So… not such a great joke.
But now here we are, with our new “celebrities.” First, the men’s team: “the original teen heartthrob” David Cassidy, “country superstar” John Rich (whose “hits” include the “brilliant” “Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)”), “rocker and TV host” (and The Soup coke head) Mark McGrath, “the first Sole Survivor” Richard Hatch (not the other Richard Hatch), “baseball star and controversial author” Jose Canseco, “rap star, DJ, and entrepreneur” Lil Jon (his Wikipedia page says “crunkster” but fails to mention “entrepreneur”; huh), “rock ‘n’ roll legend” Meat Loaf, and “Academy Award nominated actor” (and crazy person) Gary Busey.
The women: “Oscar-winning actress” Marlee Matlin, “Playboy Playmate of the Year” (only on this show does that qualify one as a “celebrity”) Hope Dworaczyk, “music legend” Dionne Warwick, “author and TV host” Star Jones, “actress” (that’s all she gets?) Lisa Rinna, “reality star” Nene Leakes, “supermodel” Niki Taylor, and “entertainment icon” (announcer guy forgot to say “sister of Michael”) Latoya Jackson. Announcer guy says they’ll bring the crazy, and we get a bunch of clips of it: from Lil Jon, Gary Busey, John Rich, Nene Leakes, and MEAT LOAF (bringing so much crazy it has to be in all caps). They’ll also bring cash for their charities. Really, though, aren’t most of these people charity cases themselves? Lisa Rinna is carrying a sharpened knife in her pocket, ready to stab these b******. Star thinks no one can argue against her. Busey thinks he’ll win. Marlee Matlin’s deaf. Trump says the circus is back (tell us about it), and he’s the ringmaster. And …here we go. Finally. I think?