sean amanda bachelor harlequin photo shoot 'The Bachelor': Amanda and Tierra and their split personalitiesAfter the “Bachelor” previouslies, we kick things off with Sean in the shower. Naturally.

Chris Harrison informs the ladies that there will be one group date and two one-on-ones. The first date is for Sarah. The girls are happier for her than they normally act. You have to wonder if they see her physical difference and feel like they can’t be snotty towards her? How long do you suppose that lasts?

Sarah’s Date

A helicopter?! What a novel mode of transportation for this show! Also, Sean voiceovers about how hard it was to be with 26 women the night before. Dude, might wanna rephrase.

The date is a freefall off a skyscraper in downtown Los Angeles, which would be exciting if this weren’t like the 40th time we’ve seen this date on this show. It’s still probably freaky for Sean and Sarah, but not so much for us at home. Also, the actual event is rather anticlimactic. It doesn’t even seem like they were going that fast! Lame.

That night at dinner and drinks, Sarah shares a story about ziplining in Vegas except she wasn’t allowed to go because of her “disability.” She tells it because her dad told her she had to find a guy who could handle moments like that, which — hmm. It’s a nice story and all, but it’s not exactly germane to the situation because it’s not like the “Bachelor” producers were going to get her up on the skyscraper, notice her amputation and then tell her she couldn’t do it. “You’ll have to meet Sean at the bottom! See you!” and then Sean just jumps off without her. Kind of a tenuous connection.

When the talk turns to serious relationships, Sarah says she’s only had one. Wow, at 26? Anyway, Sean then takes her up to the roof and gives her the rose. No kidding. She seems great, and also you can’t cut the girl with the amputation this early. C’mon, you know it’s true. And then they make out. Also, Sarah talking-heads that she’s “falling in love” with Sean. Siiiigh. Yes, after one freefall off a building, y’all.

The Group Date

tierra crazy eyes bachelor 'The Bachelor': Amanda and Tierra and their split personalitiesKristy, Amanda, Brooke, Lesley M., Daniella, Catherine, Robyn, Katie, Selma, Diana, Taryn, Kacie and Tierra are going on the group date. Tierra keeps making this insane smiley face at the camera during her one-on-ones (there it is, at right). She even snaps her fingers in a “sassy” way. She’s 24, really? She’s like 13.

They pull up to an honest-to-God crazy mansion. Nice. The date is a Harlequin romance novel cover photo shoot. The winner will appear on three actual book covers, which is kind of cool. Sure, they’re cheesy and dumb books but still — you’re on a book cover! I would have my three books framed in a cool shadowbox format.

Sean, of course, will be shirtless for many of the shots. It’s a good thing we don’t have a shirtless Sean drinking game ’cause we’d all be drunk! (Oh, who am I kidding — we’re all drunk anyway, right?)

And now the drama with Tierra starts — she’s apparently quite the schemer and the girls can’t stand her, but she’s nothing but giggles and puppies when she’s around Sean. Barf. She also insists that she’s “smart” as she winks at the camera and clicks her tongue like you would at a horse. Jury’s still out, Doogie.

Anyway, the different shoot themes are cowboys, vampires, sexy and historical. I’d want to be vampire or historical, if I were there. Katie, in her vampire outfit, jokes that she looks like she’s going to an 80s rock concert but she needs some dental work. Au contraire, Katie. You clearly are not familiar with 1990 movie “Rockula.” That’s what you look like you’re from.

As far as the girls go, Lesley M. is really rocking her cowgirl outfit. Girlfriend has a crazy good body (she’s the one flashing her washboard abs and wearing chaps). Her body is not lost on Sean. And she gets to kiss him, per the photographers orders, and the other women are not pleased.

Tierra slowly loses her mind all day long and then she steals her kiss when it’s her turn (also, flashing lots of side boob). But she is followed up by Kristy, who absolutely nails her photo shoot. She and Sean both need a cold shower when it’s over. And she wins the three-cover deal.

The sour grapes girls act like who wants the cover shoot, I want the man. Which is true, but also — don’t be sore losers.

At the cocktail party, Leslie gets alone time, punks out on the kiss, then re-kidnaps him in order to lay one on him. And then they just start making out. Well, make your hay while the sun shines. Or something.

Now Tierra and her boob fringe gets some alone time with Sean. She says she came there for Sean, but um, hadn’t she already signed up when they informed her who the bachelor was? Umm hmm. Tierra sucks. We are not a fan.

Meanwhile, Katie, who seems really cool in that funky crunchy granola kinda way, is very uncomfortable. She’s worried that she’s not outgoing or aggressive enough for this process, so she talks to Sean about it and decides to leave. Hey, at least you’re honest.

Kacie is so sure she’s getting the rose — and then she does. Tierra looks like she’s ready to drown Kacie in the pool. Tierra is insane.

Desiree’s Date

Desiree gets the second one-on-one, so that means Jackie, Leslie H., AshLee and Lindsay (crazy wedding dress girl) are left without dates this week.

On the date, they go to an art show and they’re going to play a prank on Desiree, making her think everybody thinks she broke a priceless work of art. It goes off without a hitch — who thinks Desiree has any idea what “Chernobyl” is? Also, does it seem like Desiree never completely buys that’s it for real?

They go to dinner back at Sean’s bachelor pad, which is actually a great end to the date. Way more intimate than a lot of settings. They talk about their parents and how their parents are each other’s best friends and that’s what they want. They also joke around about becoming each other’s best friend and it’s very comfortable and relaxed and cool. Desiree is definitely a frontrunner, this seems way less forced than his date with Sarah.

Then it’s hot tub time, but they keep talking about love and marriage. And Sean definitely has stars in his eyes, awww. Then they suck face in the pool.

The Cocktail Party

Lindsay gets some alone time and cracks about her wedding dress. Um, maybe you should just NOT bring that up. Like, forever. Also, try to stay sober, huh? (Or at least sober-ish, it’s not like you could survive one of these stone-cold sober.) She also really floors Sean when she’s not being crazy and drunk, so it sounds like it’s going to be pretty hard for him to cut girls.

And then all of a sudden Amanda is being crazypants. This is the bubbly girl with the killer smile that we really liked after the premiere and now she’s all sullen and pouty and weird, like not-talking-to-anyone weird. Hmm. Maybe she should drink more. Loosen up, girlfriend. Also, why is she wearing a yellow dress from 1984?

Now we get an interesting discussion with Robyn about this show and race — Robyn’s worried maybe she was thrown in there as a token contestant and she’s wondering if Sean is actually attracted to black women. Sean then tells her that he doesn’t go for a certain type and says his last girlfriend was black. He really does seem sincere in saying that he
doesn’t go for a type. And if this cast is any indication, he certainly doesn’t go for blondes. He didn’t keep that many after the first night.

Then grumpy gus Amanda suddenly turns her frown upside down when Sean asks to take her off. And she has a killer smile, but yeah, she was being really weird.

Rose Ceremony

The roses go to Kacie, Desiree, Sarah (already had) and AshLee, Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Lesley M., Selma, Catherine, Kristy, Leslie H., Tierra, Taryn, Daniella and Amanda, which means Brooke and Diana did not receive roses.

No big loss there, we barely knew ye, Brooke and Diana.

Next week: An amusement park and a crazy make-out session for Lesley. Also, everybody hates Tierra. Because Tierra is an immature snot. But then she falls down the stairs?

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."