the-bachelor-finale-clare-crawley-nikki-ferrell-ABC.jpgTime to find out which lucky lady will “win” this season of “The Bachelor.” But really, no matter who wins, don’t we all lose? This was a terrible season of the show, you guys. We actually can’t wait to move on to “The Bachelorette” as a palate cleanser.

RELATED: “Bachelor/ette” heroes and villains

Clare’s Family Time

Juan Pablo’s family is on hand to meet the finalists and Clare is up first. She’s totally smitten by seeing JP with his daughter, which is actually understandable. Say what you will about JP (and you can say a lot) but he is pretty adorable when he’s with Camila.

Clare’s overall experience is kind of weird, though. She has this conversation with JP’s mom where Clare’s all, “Juan Pablo and I are great at communicating and I love how JP tells it like itis” and his mom is like, “JP is rude sometimes” and Clare’s like, “You totally just reaffirmed all my feelings!” It’s bizarre.

However, she tells JP’s cousin Rodolfo that she’s falling in love and that she’s ready to be a part of this family and they seem to really like her. To be honest, we don’t really see JP in for the long haul with either finalist, but Clare seems like the best match for him.

Nikki’s Family Time

Nikki is pleasant and seems calmer, like she’s not trying as hard to impress them. She also makes a good impression on JP’s mom — mama likes how strong Nikki is, like she won’t be afraid to stand up to Juan Pablo if need be.

Rodolfo asks Nikki how she’ll deal when things are rough and Nikki reveals a lot about herself when she says a relationship that has no fighting has no passion. Hmm. I know some people think that’s true, but I have come to find that it’s not. Relationships can be passionate without fighting. And fighting does not equal passion. But that might be a lesson Nikki needs to learn in her life still.

Basically, the family time went a lot like how most family times go — everybody loves everybody and nobody knows who the “Bachelor/ette” should pick. Though, as an audience member points out, the family members were a little “beware of Juan Pablo” to the girls, which is kind of hilarious.

We then check in with some studio audience members, including the “Bachelor” alum seating section, but nobody says anything terribly noteworthy.

Clare’s Date

Clare is like … glowing with excitement, she’s so pumped to be there. If she’s not the girl he chooses, it feels like that’s going to be either really sad or really ugly. Also, when she’s not pulling witch-face, she’s a really striking woman.

And then — whoa. Complete 180.

Apparently, as the chopper was landing, Juan Pablo leaned over to Clare (no cameras around, no audio) and whispered something in her ear that made her cry. She says, “He told me something that no woman wants to hear … some sexual thing that I don’t even want to repeat.”

Wow. Keeping in mind all the off-screen drama that has been going on with Juan Pablo this season, this does not surprise us at all. And what is also not surprising (though sad) is that Clare stays on the date with him. Oh, Clare. She says he needs to prove that he knows her better than what he said to her, but honestly? She should have just left his butt right then and there.

clare crawley crying bachelor finale 'The Bachelor' finale: Nikki Ferrell or Clare Crawley, who does Juan Pablo choose?That night in an interview, Clare more or less reveals what he said. He basically said that he loved hooking up with her, though he obviously use coarser language than that. Good lord. After what happened to them on ocean-gate, that’s what he says to her?!

He also apparently said they don’t know each other very well. That’s a super classy double whammy. “Hey babe [finger guns], I don’t really know you very well, but I sure loved [fill in the blank with what you think he said].”

Come to think of it, that could be like “The Bachelor/ette” tagline, huh? It may be a true statement on JP’s part — in fact, it may be one of the truest things said on this show ever — but it’s certainly a rude thing to say.

She then brings up the conversation to Juan Pablo and he just says he was being honest with her. Hmm. He doesn’t apologize or anything — though Clare isn’t exactly confronting him head-on either. She’s being fairly circumspect with him and more straight-forward with us in her talking-head interviews.

Clare is also kind of veering more into the “you don’t know me” territory. Um, what about the sexual thing he said that was gross and inappropriate? It’s like she’s completely forgotten about that.

Then Juan Pablo keeps getting grosser, when he brings up the kissing rule and South Korea and “jokingly” says that she broke her word and so she can’t blame it on Juan Pablo. Um, what?

Clare then continues to shift the focus to Juan Pablo knowing her enough, while he talks in circles about how special she is and that she should know that because he chose to bring her this far and let her meet his family. Ughhhhh. He is the worst, you guys. The worst.

They end the night snuggling and kissing. Oh, Clare. What about this night makes you think he’s the one for you? What did he say that takes back the gross, sexual thing he said to you in the helicopter? We had some hope for you, Clare, but you have completely lost us. You two dysfuncationally deserve one another.

Back in the studio, Sharleen continues to have our undying love when she says she wishes Clare had stuck to her guns better. Sean also makes us giggle when he says Juan Pablo was “talking in circles,” which he was, but then Sean says he wanted JP to “just shoot her straight,” which — we know what he means and it’s live TV, but it’s a funny thing to say.

Nikki’s Date

Juan Pablo says he knows Nikki is in love with him, but he has to figure out how he feels about her. And also he should be sure to tell her how much he likes sexing her up.

As they relax on a yacht, Nikki interviews that she thinks they have something special and she doesn’t see him having that with anyone else and says she’s waited a long time to be in love like this. Hmm.

They move to a beach and Juan Pablo tellingly says that he’s looking forward to being done with the show, be in his own bed, watch baseball on TV. He makes no mention of having a life with Nikki.

That night, Nikki says she wants to know it’s her, that she’s the one Juan Pablo loves. Well, something tell us he’s not going to spill the beans on that one. They both talk about how nervous they are — it’s not exactly a sparkling conversation.

nikki ferrell crying the bachelor finale 'The Bachelor' finale: Nikki Ferrell or Clare Crawley, who does Juan Pablo choose?In her talking-head interview, Nikki says she’s never felt this way before and he’s the one for her, etc. Then she gives him a very beautiful, eloquent card and he responds with, “Thank you” and kisses her on the forehead. Ooof. Not exactly what she was looking for. And honestly? He doesn’t seem that concerned.

After he leaves, she cries. Oh, Nikki. Even with how crazypants you turned out to be, you are still too good for him. Don’t cry, sweetie.

The plinky-plunky strains play as Nikki cries, then the music stops and she dramatically sniffles us back to a dead-silent studio audience and Chris Harrison. My god, it’s like when they would have the clock tick silently on “24” when somebody big died.

The Preparation

It’s time for the getting glammed up, staring out at the ocean montage. Everyone is arriving at the proposal spot by boat, which is exciting. It would have been better if they made them ride the patented Jeff Probst jet ski, but whatevs. Also, just for the record, both women look excellent, but we prefer Clare’s teal dress to Nikki’s dark blue one.

Anyway, both women are absolutely sure they are the one. Wouldn’t it be funny if that were true? If Juan Pablo brought them both there and suggested they make it work as a threesome? It’d be even more awesome because Clare and Nikki hate each other.

Clare Gets Dumped

Clare’s first off the boat, so obviously she’s not “the one.” Though, again, wouldn’t it be amazing if she was the winner and then Nikki showed up to an empty tableau, no Juan Pablo? And that was her indication she lost? That’d be hilarious.

Anyway, so Clare’s not the choice. After ocean-gate and then the awful “I don’t know you, but I like sexing you up” comment, Clare is getting dumped. That’s … terrible and also just epitomizes this entire awful season.

May we remind everyone how we were Team Zakkkk and wish he was “The Bachelor” this season? It probably would have been better and there no way it would have been

After he dumps her, Clare won’t let him hug her — and the live studio audience cheers. Ha! She then kind of tells him off, saying she can’t believe what he put her through and that she would never wnat her children having a father like him. She could have used even stronger language, but we’ll take what we can get from Clare.

As she hugs Chris Harrison and walks away, Juan Pablo says, “Ooh, glad I didn’t pick her.” Oh. My. God. You guys, I can’t even with him.  What a d-bag.

clare crawley chris harrison the bachelor finale 'The Bachelor' finale: Nikki Ferrell or Clare Crawley, who does Juan Pablo choose?As Clare leaves, she’s mad that he would say things like he can see himself in Sacramento and that his family loved her and whatnot. Well, that’s par for the course on this show. He has to stuff like that. There has to be dramatic tension. We’re totally with Clare on the “don’t tell me you love f***ing me” thing. But we would have respected her a lot more if she’d dumped his butt as soon as he said that to her, not three days later when he didn’t propose to her.

She was all set to get engaged to him and then she got mad because he dumped her. That’s all well and good, but it would have packed a lot more punch if it hadn’t happened right after he didn’t put a ring on it, you know?

The Proposal Non-Proposal

The nice thing about having to include all this drama is that we don’t have to sit through the stupid Neil Lane segment! Bonus.

Anyway, Nikki voiceovers as she walks up that she’s ready to get engaged, which is really interesting considering the way they left things after her date. She’s envisioning that he has all these things to say to her that he’s never been able to say before. Hmm.

After she walks up, Nikki takes his hands and slathers praise on him, which is making her look so foolish in the wake of all that we’ve seen. Oh, Nikki.

In his speech, Juan Pablo says that he’s not 100 percent ready to get engaged, but that he is 100 percent sure he wants to see how things go with Nikki, so he offers her a rose and not a ring and they smooch it out.

We will say — that was a refreshing way to for this show to end for once. Very honest, very upfront. Why does it always have to end with a proposal? If Juan Pablo hadn’t been such a lout all season, we’d be totally on board with how this ended and very excited for them as a  couple.

What do you think, “Bachelor” fans?

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."