We’re on lovely Vieques Island in Puerto Rico. I’ve recapped several seasons of this mess by now, and I think I’ve figured out how the locations get chosen. The Bachelor selects several tourist destinations and sends the local tourism department a letter threatening to come unless a substantial cash payment is made. Whichever location pays the least amount of money, that’s where The Bachelor goes! That’s the only possible way this makes sense.
We still have eleven women left? Good god. This season will never end! The women are taken by boat to their new home, and the parade of boob jobs runs up the beach to the new house. The groundwork is also laid for more Courtney-Emily bull****, which I’m sure we’re all excited for.
Chris Harrison comes out to do his weekly over-explain-the-rules-that-we-all-know paycheck-justification thing, and then we get to the dates. Nicki gets the one-on-one date, much to Courtney’s annoyance, and the date card is read, and it’s in Spanish, and it appears that Emily’s the only one who can translate, and it says, “Let’s find new love in Old San Juan.” One of the reasons Courtney’s pissed is because now she has to spend time with Emily. “You better check yourself, bitch,” Courtney tells us, still displaying about as much energy as a drugged tortoise.
Nicki is weirdly excited to spend all day with Ben, which is one of the most depressing things I’ve ever heard anyone say. She, apparently, would be really bummed to come all the way to “this beautiful Puerto Rico” (she says it almost like she’s never heard of Puerto Rico) only to go home after the first night if she doesn’t get a rose.