bachelor tierra volleyball 'The Bachelor': Tierra falls down the stairs, Kacie falls into the snitching trapWe’re down to 16 women on “The Bachelor” and tonight we have three heading home. Plus Tierra falls (or is pushed, or throws herself) down the stairs. Oh, the humanity!

Shirtless Sean opening. Drink.

Lesley M.’s Date

So, one of the girls from last week’s group date gets a solo, which is fine, we guess. But it always sucks that girls go dateless while other girls rack up multiple dates. Anyway, Lesley and Sean head to the Guinness World of Records, which kind of makes the show look a little cheap. This is like an attraction from some small-time amusement park (like Adventureland near where I grew up, in Iowa).

Then just as I’m done typing that, it turns out Sean’s dad holds the record for shortest drive of the contiguous 48 states. His picture is up and everything. OK, well, that’s kinda cool. And now it turns out Sean and Lesley are going to try to break the record for longest on-screen smooch, which is 3:15. That’s a lot of time to kiss, y’all, especially someone you barely know. Hmm. I’m not sure I’d be that excited about this if I were Lesley.

But they make it the full 3:16 (and then some), so kudos to them — for holding their lips together for over three minutes. They weren’t exactly kiss-kissing, but it was probably easier the way they did it.

Later that night, it turns out Lesley was one of those people who loved her adolescence — but she wasn’t Homecoming Queen or anything. She says she was a nerd, in a lot of clubs, studied a lot, but it sounds like she’s tight with her family. Lesley M. is really rising in our estimation right now. We admit to pre-judging her as kind of a bimbo. Naturally, she gets the rose.

The Group Date

The girls who get the group date are Kacie, Robyn, Leslie H., Kristy, Catherine, Desiree, Taryn, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniella, Jackie and Tierra, leaving Selma, Sarah and AshLee for the last solo (though it won’t be Sarah, she had one last week).

The date is a volleyball game on the beach, six on six. The winning team gets to keep spending time with Sean, the losing team has to go home. Fun.

It’s Taryn, Leslie, Kristy, Tierra, Danielle and Catherine vs. Kacie, Robyn, Desiree, Amanda, Lindsay and Jackie. The sound editors play beach music over the game, but they really missed a great opportunity for “Playin’ With the Boys.” Maybe they couldn’t get the rights. It’s also a shame that none of the girls made any Goose or Slider references, but maybe those got cut.

[Full disclosure: Yes, I did just pause the show for 90 seconds to watch the “Top Gun” volleyball scene. Remember how hot Val Kilmer used to be?]

Anyway, Taryn weirdly calls this the biggest game of her life. Huh. And she loses, so we expect to see great heaving sobs over such a huge loss. And just as we write that in jest, Kristy starts, like, bawling. Seriously, girl. Take a breath.

Now Kacie, Robyn, Desiree, Amanda, Lindsay and Jackie are off to the rest of the date with Sean. Lindsay gets some alone time and on the one hand, she’s not acting wedding-dress-drunk-crazy anymore, but on the other hand, she sounds dumb because she says “like” a lot and she talks about wanting some special connection with Sean already and exchanging knowing glances and whatever. But apparently Sean laps it up because he kisses her. With tongue (there’s a big ol’ shot of his tongue).

Then Desiree gets her alone time and gosh, she is so pretty in that girl-next-door way. It really seems like her name should be Jennie or Jane or something. Desiree doesn’t fit her. But they still have great chemistry together.

Meanwhile, Amanda gets all effervescent around Sean as the rest of the girls are like, “Um, what?” because Amanda is so sullen and pouty around the rest of the girls. Desiree describes her as creepy, which — not sure we’d go that far, but we don’t live with her.

But then, Kacie goes and puts her foot in it when she decides to rat to Sean that Desiree and Amanda are having drama. Sean rightly asks why it’s Kacie saying something to him about it because they both seem fine to him. Yeah, it seems a little weird, Kacie. It just seems like you’re stirring the pot, which Sean has seen coming a mile away. He’s clearly very put off by this and Kacie should’ve read his body language (and listened to his words) and shut up about it right away.

Snitches get stitches, Kacie. Or in “Bachelor” cases, they don’t get roses. It just makes you look like such a gossip and so insecure to rat out the other ladies’ drama. That was a huge mistake. And then crazy, kind-of-dumb Lindsay gets the rose and Kacie is pretty devastated by her massive screw-up.

AshLee’s Date

Tierra plays a “funny” little “joke” with the date card by pretending that it’s a two-on-one for Selma and AshLee, which Sarah calls her out on. Good for you, Sarah.

And then AshLee has some famous last words saying nothing can go wrong on her date — and then Tierra has fallen down the stairs. Sean arrives and rushes to her side, as she sits there with her head in her hands. Sean thinks she might have a concussion because she’s not really answering questions and, OK, if she’s really hurt that sucks, but it also seems totally fishy. Like she took a fall and is now milking it for all it is worth. “I don’t want to go there, I just want to be left alone, wah wah wah.” The lady doth protest too much, methinks

Then Tierra goes off by herself to milk more attention from Sean and all the girls are like, “Um, no.” It’s ridiculous. Do not encourage her, Sean.

AshLee finally gets to go on her date, which is them getting to take two girls with chronic illnesses to Six Flags Magic Mountain. The two girls are online friends and have never met. Aww, that is super cool for them. And luckily AshLee seems for-real into it and not “oh yeah, this is … awesome” and is actually really put out.

After rides and games, they get a concert from the Eli Young Band and then AshLee and Sean get some alone time. AshLee talks to him about wanting to adopt older children because so many children over the age of a toddler don’t get adopted. Sean says he’s totally on board. And she talks about being adopted herself at the age of six and how lucky she was.

It’s a great big mushy family lovefest, but in a good way. When she talks about her parents telling her they’re going to say “I love you” every day, we may have teared up a little. What? Shut up.

Then she gets a rose and they dance.

The Cocktail Party

Sean talking-heads that he’s excited about the cocktail party, which — more power to you, dude. Because we would dread that part every week. It seems to be when the most crazy rears its ugly head.

Anyway, Sean brings Sarah’s dog Leo there. So many questions. Where did the dog come from? Does she live nearby? What is that about? It was pretty hilarious when she sees the limo pull up and she’s like, “Are you sending me home?”

Tierra gets some alone time and …. ugh, are we alone in just wanting to kind of punch her all the time? Just her ridiculous, kind-of-crazy grin and eyes. She’s got some boil-your-bunny stuff lurking just below the surface, which starts to reveal itself a little when Desiree steals Sean away and Tierra practically pees on his leg to assert herself.

Then Lesley M. decides to get in on the action, stealing him from Tierra, which sets off a montage of swooping and stealing. While Desiree just sits there waiting for him to come back. *snicker* Is there some kind of rule that says a Bache
lor can never refuse someone who comes up to steal him? Because he could politely tell girls to wait their turn.

And now it’s Kacie’s turn and … is she wearing a sports bra dress? What is that thing? It’s like a thigh-length sports bra, with the crazy colors and pattern. Anyway, Kacie barely gets to talk to him before two girls wander up. And then it’s rose ceremony time. Oh noes, Kacie!

The Rose Ceremony

Lesley, Lindsay and AshLee have roses, then the rest go to — but wait, Sean wants to talk to Kacie first. He thinks they’re better off as friends and sends her packing. Wow, that sucks. She needed to make it farther so she could be the next Bachelorette! She probably should not have rocked the boat with that drama thing she snitched about.

So now the roses go to: Tierra, Leslie, Catherine, Daniella, Robyn, Selma, Sarah, Jackie, Amanda and Desiree. Which means Taryn and Kristy are going home. No big loss there. They seem like cool girls, but they haven’t been standouts for Sean’s affection so far.

Next week: Leslie and Selma get some one-on-one time, and there’s a roller derby. A freakin’ roller derby, that is so awesome. And Tierra has a total meltdown because she’s actually a 14-year-old girl who has lost her Lisa Frank trapper keeper.

The outtakes of Sean and AshLee and the two girls doing old-timey photos is really cute.

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."