ashley bachelorette bentley 'The Bachelorette': Bentley gives Ashley a period, not a dot dot dotThey’ve been hyping it for two weeks and now it has finally arrived – snake Bentley is back in “Bachelorette” Ashley’s life because she just can’t get him out of her heart. He is smarmy as ever and the other guys are understandably mad about his return. Oh, the fireworks!

And in non-“Bachelor”-franchise fashion, they deal with the Bentley stuff at the top of the show. What is this craziness? We figured there would be teases for all two hours and like three minutes of footage at the end of the show. Wild.

Upon finding out that Bentley is here, Ashley is overcome with surprise and emotion. She goes to his hotel room and immediately smooches him. Was it just me or did it look like he didn’t want to kiss her? Ashley plays “coy” for a bit, but she comes out with her obsession with him because he’s a bad boy who strung her along (and we all know a lot of girls are powerless to resist that pathology). Bentley says he got home and he missed her and that shocked him.

But he also says she’s here for a reason and a purpose and “knowing that I’m home, it doesn’t look good for me and you.” That’s diplomatic. She says, “So this is our period?” (as opposed to the “dot dot dot”).

Seriously, when did this turn into that stupid song by Dan Baird?

She asks why he bothered to come to Hong Kong to tell her that and … yeah, why did you,  Bentley? Because you wanted more screentime before “Bachelor Pad’? Gag me. I can’t believe I have to recap this tool later in the summer again. (Seriously, who thinks he’s NOT on “Bachelor Pad”? Nobody.)

So Ashley has finally figured out that Bentley is a player and a woman-user. Welcome to the club, Ashley. We’ve had jackets made.

Lucas’ Date

Lucas gets the first one-on-one. He and Ashley take in some Chinese dragon street performers and adorable Lucas reveals he’s never been to New York because he’s “not very well-traveled.” He’s into fishing and stuff. Awww.

They go sailing on a beautiful Chinese ship and Lucas seems super-sweet, but (and I know I’m a broken record) but I don’t see a spark with them. I don’t know what my deal is,but I just don’t see it. He’s like Gomer Pyle and I don’t see her with him.

During dinner, Lucas confesses the hardest thing he’s ever dealt with is his divorce. It’s not quite as sad as the dead parents card several other guys have played. After dinner, he gets a rose, they dance and Ashley praises Lucas’ “manlihood” and how she feels so safe and protected with him. Hmm. OK.

Group Date

The Group Date card comes and it is for Ryan, Mickey, Constantine, Ben, Ames and Blake, which means J.P. has another solo date before Ryan or Blake have their first one. Ooooh.

For the date, the guys are paired up for dragon boat racing. It’s Ryan/Blake, Mickey/Ames and Ben/Constantine. And they have to walk the streets of Hong Kong to find men to run their boats. That … does not sound like a ton of fun to me.

Mickey and Ames find a couple guys who race on a dragon boat team and call their friends, which is hilarious. Meanwhile, Ben and Constantine are striking out so they buy some kimonos and find rowers like pied pipers.

When the race comes, Team Red Dragon (Ben and Constantine) are “sheer pandemonium” and their chant means “Idiot.” Heeee. That’s the best thing I’ve ever heard. Ames and Mickey’s team racers are very unified and they pull out the win. And then afterwards, somebody gets engaged on the beach. Ashley has stars in her eyes. Seriously, I know she’s the bachelorette, but rein it in a little, crazypants. Your talk of a husband is slightly terrifying.

During the cocktail party, Ames takes Ashley to the roof, and on the way in the elevator he totally eats her face  and she’s really into it. I still think he looks like the missing link, but it’s cute how much he’s making a play for Ashley, especially since he’s bouncing back from his ass-whooping in the muay thai ring (poor guy).

Meanwhile, the guys are still obsessing over Ryan and how irritating they find him. Blake is the most vocal about his Ryan hate – in fact, I’m not sure all the other guys agree with him. It’s hard to tell. Ryan gets the rose from Ashley and Blake, Constantine and Ben are not thrilled.

J.P.’s Date

They have dinner and J.P. confesses that he feels meant to be with her and that in a month’s time, he might be getting down on one knee. Aww, he’s adorable and wonderful. I really like J.P.

Ashely decides she has to confess to J.P. about the Bentley crap because she likes him so much. She says she saw Bentley two days ago in Hong Kong and the show cuts away to commercial, like she just said, “I’m pregnant” or “I killed my dog” or something.

But Ashley explains about wanting to be honest and that her thing with Bentley is over. J.P. takes it like the champ that he is. Because he is great. Team J.P. Of course he gets a rose and we find out his name is Jordan Paul. Did we know that? I’m glad he’s a J.P., he is SO not a Jordan.

Cocktail Party

Ashley has on a super-sexy silver dress and she figures since J.P. responded so well to the Bentley news that the other guys would too. Turns out that is not the case. She tells the guys and they are not pleased. Ashley is trying her darnedest to spin it in a positive light, but they are having none of it.

J.P. is understanding, because he already knows, and the other guys are completely gobsmacked. J.P. defends her to the guys, which is really sweet of him because when you think about it, that’s his competition for her affections. Ryan doesn’t mind, because he’s a Care Bear or something. No, I like Ryan, but I get what the guys see in him.

Lucas the southern gentlemen is especially mad, which is kinda funny. He’s like Gomer Pyle and now he wants to throw down or something. Hee.

Blake also takes it hard, but he actually says something to Ashley. He’s kind of righteous, but then she starts crying and he can’t stand up to that, so he just hugs her. But he’s still pretty insecure and isn’t sure if he should stick around.

Mickey is another one who is ready to walk because the connection with Bentley doesn’t make sense to him. He says if what Bentley is what she’s looking for, then send him home because that’s not him.

Ashley calls him on it and says if he feels that strongly about it, he should just leave. So Mickey takes off. Wow. That’s a shame, he’s like a real-life Timothy Olyphant (or maybe that’s all in our head, but there it is).

Ashley goes back to the guys, crying, and says that she was just being honest and apologizes for what she did and how she said things, it’s really nice, actually. Darn you, show, for sucking us in. I just want to hug Ashley and give her a gummy bear and read her “Harry Potter” or something.

J.P. reveals he knew about it early and the guys don’t love that either, but they are sympathetic to how hard it is for Ashley.

Therapy Time

“I want to talk to Chris Harrison.” Still need to get a t-shirt made. Ashley is upset because the knows the guys feel neglected and defeated. She also worries she hasn’t done a good job of letting the guys know how she feels. Chris advises her to “speak from the heart, just be Ashley.” He’s so sage.

Rose Ceremony

Ryan, Lucas and J.P. already have roses, so there are roses for Ben, Constantine and … Ames. Blake goes home empty-handed. Not a huge shock, he was always a smidge smarmy for our taste. So the Top 6 are Ryan (who has not had a one-on-one), J.P., Lucas, Ben, C
onstantine and Ames. Crazy. Not who we would’ve predicted at all.

Next week: Ashley and her Top 6 head to Taiwan and then Fiji. And does somebody else come back?! Crazypants.

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."