Optimism. It’s the only thing that separates us from the animals. Actually, that sounds wrong. Regardless, without optimism there’s really no point in getting out of bed in the morning. And for those (un)lucky sons of guns who’ve survived a horrific global catastrophe, such as those on The Colony, airing Tuesdays on Discovery Channel, they better be optimistic about the future – because it’s filled with scavenging, disease, angry hordes and the never-ending quest for fire. Yep, for those people, their motor oil containers-turned-drinking glasses are definitely half full. Of course, once they’ve filtered it through more sand and bits of charred wood, they’ll be full. So if you feel the need to be prepared, call your friends and neighbors, because there’s safety in numbers.
Setting the scene:
Decorating for a party that takes place in a garbage-strewn disaster area is a lot like waking up in the middle of rush week in college – sitting on torn-up furniture, drinking from disgusting bottles and hoping you don’t catch anything from the person next to you. But in this case you’ll need hazard tape, tarps, barrels for water, scraps of firewood and prayer. Have a tarp and scraps of lumber built into a makeshift shelter in one corner of the room with a fake fire in front. Make sure you have some human-powered generators to keep the TVs on and some nets for guests to snare dinner. You might want to print out some handy lists for guests on what animals they can eat rare – in case the solar stove doesn’t work as planned – and what plants are edible. Invitations should be official-looking documents warning of the impending catastrophe and imminent quarantine. Party favors can include duct tape, portapotties (we recommend the Luggable Loo) and disposable biohazard suits.
Biohazard suits, torn clothing, face masks for everyone.
On the menu:
Roadkill. Actually, there won’t be any cars on the road to hit anything, so you should order food we could expect to catch – rabbit, deer, snake, Twinkies, etc. – and try cooking it with a solar cooker.
On the hi-fi:
It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine) by R.E.M., Life Goes On by the Kinks, The Four Horsemen by Metallica, The End of the World by The Cure, Apocalypse Please by Muse, Gimme Shelter by the Rolling Stones, anything from Survivor.
There’s been a biological disaster, and the world is a mess. But with a shovel and a whole lotta money, you can survive in style with a Nuclear, Biological and Chemical Underground Disaster Shelter from Global Security Solutions.