abc family the vineyard shark 'The Vineyard': When does the shark eat all these dopes?“The Vineyard” premiered Tuesday night (July 23) on ABC Family, featuring a cast of mostly vacuous early-20-somethings summering at Martha’s Vineyard — it’s only an island if you look at it from the water.

Katie, the poor man’s Kristin Cavallari, is having her “Sex and the City” adventure, because she’s at “a crossroads with her job and her boyfriend.” She’s working at the Black Dog tavern, a Martha’s Vineyard landmark that is shamefully not named “Pippen.”

But along with working there, there’s a “Real World” Black Dog house where the employees stay. The d-baggy guys have designs on the new girl, while the Mean Girls want to shank her in her sleep. And then there’s a scruffy guy who looks approximately 10 years older than the rest of the cast who also likes Katie because EVERYBODY likes Katie.

One of the Mean Girls, Emily, looks like when you pop a Barbie doll’s head off and then put it back on but you squish it down too far and the face spreads out too wide. She wants a “JFK Jr. type,” and wonders where “he” hangs out. Uh, sorry to break it to you …

There’s a beach scene. Luckily, no little boys on yellow rafts are paddling around.

There’s one girl who has problems with her mom who clearly has the Daisy-from-Mystic-Pizza thing happening — will she fall in love with a rich boy, or get together with her island guy who got kicked out of the Coast Guard? It’s a nice touch that her name’s Cat, like Daisy’s sister.

The show ends with a beach bonfire, but that really should’ve been the opening scene, featuring Emily running off into the surf and being eaten by a giant shark.

Will you be summering with “The Vineyard”? We will only tune back in if there’s a hot sheriff and a crusty old seadog singing jaunty tunes about receiving orders for to sail back to Boston.

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."