top chef just desserts 320 'Top Chef Just Desserts' recap: Cookie MonsterWelcome back to “Top Chef: Just Desserts.” Think anyone will cry this week? Fingers crossed!

So Seth has a wee bit of a crying hangover, but he remains confident that if he focuses on each challenge (and takes his mood stabilizers) he will win everything and be able to buy his mommy as many Red Hots as her heart desires. She will be so proud. Upstairs, the Baked baker is smoking …a cigarette with the Zac and mourning the loss of Tim. Who? Oh right the guy who made the world’s saddest pudding. No, really, it was the Saddest Pudding in the World, go check Guinness. Since this is California and these guys aren’t smoking weed, they are of course relegated to the not-at-all-nice rooftop to smoke their nasty tobacco products. Seriously, California would let Tommy Chong light up anywhere in East LA, but the Marlboro Man was run out to the border on a rail. The state has plant issues.

The Baked guy (not Tommy Chong) can’t believe a baker has made it this far into the dessert competition. Since when did cake makers have an inferiority complex about making desserts? Since when are bakers a disadvantaged group? Do they get special scholarships to pastry competitions? Special class protection in the Constitution? Whatever, this little speech probably means he is going to win tonight’s challenge. Regardless, I would rather eat cake then a deconstructed apple fritter or a tragic pudding. I want cake! And the rest of the world agrees with me. Well …not Japan, but they have terrible taste in dessert. After the stolen smoking moments we head inside for the Quickfire, which is, of course, cake-related.

Sylvia Weinstock, who is the Yoda of Cake Design and once made a cake that was chained to the ceiling with flowers or something, will be judging today’s competition. Everyone claps appreciatively and someone gets the opportunity to explain that Sylvia Weinstock is the Yoda of Cake Design, which we already knew. Sylvia explains that wedding cakes must be made, yes, they must be. Gail translates: For the Quickfire, they are making a wedding cake. In an hour and a half. Yigit yigits his pants at the very thought because normally he takes weeks to craft a cake. Weeks! He starts pulling out his hair. Apparently freshness does not matter much in the world of wedding cakes. I mean, I’ll eat anything with buttercream, but two-week old wedding cake? That’s a tough sell.

Gail explains that the sheet cake was baked three weeks ago and the cheftestants simply need to decorate and infuse flavor into the dry bricks of cake. So everyone does just that. They start running around the kitchen screaming for raspberry purees and mint simple syrups. Head Bandage Heather just got engaged (good for her, right? finding such an open-minded guy who is into bandage play) so she’s been thinking about wedding cakes a lot and is pretty sure thinking gives her a distinct advantage. Seth refuses to even consider sullying himself or his art by crying for his mommy making a wedding cake so he’s making …something TBD. No one is impressed with this tactic.

Heather (the one without the head bandage) made her own wedding cake because she didn’t want any inferior pastry chef ruining her day with subpar fondant. Suddenly time is up and very few people have completed cakes to show Gail. Malika is, of course, one of the people who has not completed her cake. Heather H. steps into bitchy judge mode (styling herself after Gail on “Top Chef,” natch) and dismisses everyone’s cakes as too homey, too green, too grocery story-ish. Then the judges come in to do it themselves.

JUDGMENT TIME: Head Bandage Heather has a simple white cake with vanilla simple syrup and Nutella buttercream (holy hockey, I did not know such wonders existed) wrapped in white fondant with little snowflakes. Eric’s cake has pistachio buttercream and apricot brandy. Zac wanted to deep-fry his wedding cake, which sounds like heaven on a plate, but settled for toasted meringue with jam and dark chocolate shards. Malika is standing next to her cake when the earthquake hits. It was a very isolated and localized earthquake that just took out a quarter of her already tragic wedding cake. Plate tectonics in Southern California are a real bitch. The cake chunks tumble onto the table while Malika just stands by and cries. George Clooney is already organizing a telethon …

Photo credit: Bravo

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