Lena Dunham Halloween costumes

“Girls” creator Lena Dunham has written an amazing chronology of her Halloweens over the years, complete with photos and biting commentary. Why? Because “each Halloween has been more demoralizing than the last.”

She observes that Halloween is infinitely harder for women.

“[Men] can wear a beer helmet or a rubber Nixon mask and call it a f***ing day. While women are meant to be both transformed and adorable, a near-impossible combo for most of us, men can use Halloween as an excuse to let their guts hang out and be celebrated for it,” writes Dunham. “But the standards for women are Harvard-admissions level, even harder if you’re single and need to factor in something with a snap crotch.”

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Dunham says her Halloween humiliations started early. When she was five years old, she went as a “fancy lady.”

Lena Dunham fancy lady

“This meant a Miss Havisham/’Grey Gardens’ hot mess,” writes Dunham, who says she went home crying when a boy told her that “fancy lady isn’t even a real costume.”

In 1994, Dunham was obsessed with Nick at Nite, so she went as a secretary who was always running in and out of those old sitcoms. “I think I looked way too much like a teensy alcoholic divorcee to be a good candidate for candy.”

Lena Dunham as a secretary

The year she went as a showgirl is incredibly hilarious and spot-on for many a Halloween celebrator.

Lena Dunham as a showgirl

“I’m pretty sure I made out with an electronic musician in the dirt under a porch in Ohio. I awoke smeared with mud, all my fake nails stuck to my face and body. I had mono.”

In 2011, Dunham was Louis CK, which a sexy cat at a party thought included “padding and everything!,” as she proceeded to squeeze Dunham’s real stomach flesh.

Lena Dunham as Louis CK

The moral of the story? Halloween is for amateurs. Every day should be Halloween. “My characters need to bust out 365 days a year, not just on Oct 31,” she concludes.

But Dunham does share her 2015 costume: Planned Parenthood doctor.

Lena Dunham Halloween 2015 Planned Parenthood doctor

She also has a special message for readers: “Please remember to imbibe safely, avoid unwrapped candies, and never let a sexy cat pinch your stomach flesh.”

Read the full, amazing post at Lenny Letter.

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."