If you didn’t already know, Hollywood is plum out of ideas. It was bound to happen eventually, we just hoped it wouldn’t happen in our lifetime. Case in point? “Battleship” opens next summer. Yes, that’s right. “Battleship,” the movie based on the quasi-popular boardgame played unenthusiastically in the backseat of long car rides.
So it’s only natural that “Baywatch,” the syndicated bouncefest popular the world over, would receive the feature treatment. And apparently, Hollywood has attached an actual writer to the script — “Rescue Me” creator Peter Tolan. However, Tolan is either wisely or not wisely avoiding the source material.
“It’s not based on the show in any way, though there are a couple of winks at the show. I don’t know anything about the show. I didn’t watch it in preparation for writing this.”
Wow. It’s not like you need to watch a lot of “Baywatch” to understand the Zen of “Baywatch,” but none of it? Are we to believe that there will be no slo-mo shots? No attempt to recreate the inimitable pathos of Jeremy Jackson as Hobie Buchannon? No 100% successful CPR? No thank you, Mr. Tolan. Just as the J.R.R. Tolkien faithful would cry foul at significant editorial changes in “The Lord of the Rings,” we shall do the same in support of C.J. Parker and the noble Lt. Stephanie Holden.