The 2012 Miss USA pageant kicks off live from Las Vegas at 9 p.m. ET on NBC Sunday night (June 3), hosted by presenters Andy Cohen, Giuliana Rancic, Jeannie Mai, Kelly Osbourne and featuring performances by Akon and Cobra Starship.
Join us here for all the swimsuits, sexy gowns and serious answers, as we crown a woman who will go on to compete in the 2012 Miss Universe pageant in December (the location of which will be revealed on tonight’s Miss USA pageant).
Judging tonight’s competition are “Bachelorette” Ali Fedotowsky, comedian Arsenio Hall, professional chef Cat Cora, model Dayana Mendoza, fashion guru George Kotsiopoulos, singer Joe Jonas, actress Marilu Henner and reality star Rob Kardashian.
All the action starts at 9 p.m., all times Eastern.
9:00 – Here we go! Donald Trump’s grating voiceover is telling us that Miss Universe is the greatest pageant of them all. Um, if there’s no talent, it ain’t the greatest. Because those pageants bring us things like this.
9:03 – The second theme is “glitz and glamor” and the girls have on silver and gold. Together, in most cases. Fuggly.
9:04 – “Rock Star” glam is next and that probably should’ve been called what it really is – Sunset Boulevard Hooker Chic. Or for some of them, “Drag Queen.”
9:05 – The middle of the alphabet gets “Champagne” dresses, which is definitely the best so far and grossly unfair to the Rock Star girls.
9:06 – You know, none of these girls are terribly old, yet some of them are so made-up that they look like very well-put-together “Real Housewives” who are in their 40s. It’s kind of terrifying. Also, these fake “fashion show writers” lining the stage are trying way too hard.
9:07 – The “Belles of the Ball” are sporting prom dresses from 1998. Way to look current, show.
9:08 – The winner LITERALLY will be swept off to New York City, y’all. That is MAJ. *headsmack* Also, as we go to the first commercial, the voiceover now sounds like Darrell Hammond doing Donald Trump rather than The Haircut himself. *snicker*
9:14 – For announcing the Top 16, the poor girls are still wearing their intro outfits. That is so mean.
9:15 – The Top 16 are … Tennessee, Alabama (a 3.5 from Auburn? Hmmm), Ohio (of course she can drive a big truck), Michigan (watch out for those DUIs), Maryland, New Jersey, Texas (always Texas. Always. Pageants are like a college major down there), Colorado, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Maine, Georgia (three NBA players in her family? We’ll look that up post haste – we wonder if she’s Dominique Wilkins’ daughter …), South Carolina (27?! She’s an old lady), Rhode Island (she plays the cello? Why aren’t you in the Miss America pageant, girlfriend), Nevada and Arkansas is the Fan Favorite. We can kind of see why she wasn’t a judges’ pick.
9:20 – Wow, a lot of brunettes in the Top 16. Hardly anything else.
9:24 – We can’t find anything for sure yet, but we bet Miss Georgia Jazz Wilkins is the daughter of NBA-er Gerald Wilkins, niece to NBA-er Dominique Wilkins and sister to NBA-er Damien Wilkins. In case anybody is curious.
9:25 – Let’s meet the judges? Ooh, can we? zzzzzzz. Joe Jonas is totally like, “What the hell am I doing here?”
9:27 – Girls sharing Vegas memories? It’s really a shame nobody is like, “That one time I got super hammered and married some random dude in a drive-by chapel” or “Well, it was pretty memorable when I was a high-class escort here … [*quietly cries*].”
9:29 – Wow, without a talent competition there is A LOT of filler up in here. This thing could easily be an hour long.
9:34 – This Cobra Starship is awful. There is no way this is live singing, which is kind of pathetic.
9:35 – Tennessee models her bikini like she’s mad at the ground; Alabama looks like somebody famous … oooh, that’s gonna bug. Michigan looks like a Kim Kardashian-Nina Dobrev “If They Mated” picture.
9:38 – New Jersey has some serious abs happening, holy crap. Texas might be a dude. Colorado has small boobs, but props to her for not getting them done.
9:39 – The Cobra guy shouts out to Donald Trump, who grimaces in what he probably thinks looks like a smile. It’s a hard thing to learn, Haircut.
9:41 – Oklahoma with that red-tinged hair and bangs looks like Tyra Banks for a hold of her for an “ANTM” makeover. Nevada also might be a dude. Arkansas needs some help walking in heels.
9:48 – Miss Iowa won Miss Congeniality, which is awesome! Go Iowa, woot woot! And Miss Oregon won Miss Photogenic, which … hmm. Some girls photograph better than they look in person, we guess.
9:50 – The Top 10 are Alabama (Oh my gosh, we figured it out – she looks like Miriam Shor), Oklahoma, Ohio, Georgia, Texas, Colorado, New Jersey, Maryland, Rhode Island and Nevada.
9:53 – It’s rather comical how short Colorado, New Jersey and Rhode Island are compared to the rest of the Top 10. Heh.
9:54 – Awww, Dick Clark tribute. He was so great.
9:59 – Little interviews with each of the Top 10. It’s awesome Georgia Jazz likes video games and that Maryland is a kick-butt volleyball player.
10:04 – Alabama’s Goddess dress is gorgeous and kind of naked-y with the sheer parts. Oklahoma looks amazing with her hair up, but the dress is hideous. It’s like somebody took a normal dress and then got a little carried away at Hobby Lobby.
10:06 – Ohio does not look like a trophy, she looks ridiculous. And that color is terrible with her hair.
10:07 – What Georgia has on barely qualifies as a dress. That is a nip-slip waiting to happen. Texas also looks completely absurd. New Jersey’s white dress is actually really lovely – very Goddess-y.
10:09 – Maryland is beautiful walking around, but coming down those steps she was almost flashing hooch. Rhode Island might be our favorite – beautiful cut, beautiful color and not too skanky. Nevada’s Cleopatra look doesn’t do it for us.
10:15 – The Top 5 are Georgia, Nevada, Rhode Island (she looks like a little girl next to the first two, heh), Maryland (Rhode Island keeps looking shorter) and Ohio (really? In that dress?).
10:17 – Candid moment time. Nevada isn’t that quick on her feet, the final question may be interesting. Rhode Island gets to show off her brains a bit – again, why isn’t she in Miss America?
10:28 – Georgia gets a question about banning large sugary drinks in New York and she does OK. Doesn’t really say much.
10:30 – Nevada gets a question about Miss USAs not knowing the current Vice President and she makes excuses about being very tired. Um, that’s not an excuse. She at least knows Biden is the VP, we guess.
10:32 – Rhode Island gets a question about if it’s fair if a transgender woman to win Miss USA and she gives a great answer about acceptance and living a happier life. Rhode Island’s got our vote!
34 – Maryland gets a question about “Toddlers & Tiaras” and she doesn’t really answer the question that well. Finally, Ohio gets a question about women on TV and film and she is completely wishy-washy, then her example is about “Pretty Woman,” which is about a HOOKER who is saved by a man. OH. MY. GOD. Welcome to fourth runner-up, Ohio.
10:43 – Really? We get all the way to being ready to crown the winner and we have to sit through Akon? This pageant is ridiculous.
10:51 – NOW we have to sit through a video montage of Alyssa Campanella’s reign. At least she didn’t get a DUI, we guess.
10:54 – The accountant who delivers the final results is named Tall Goldhammer?! How is he not a porn star?
10:55 – The fourth runner-up is Georgia and third is Nevada. Wow, not Ohio? And then Ohio is second runner-up. Thank goodness.
10:56 – The last two are Maryland and Rhode Island and the next Miss USA is … (in the waiting period, we are struck by how much Rhode Island looks like Sarah Shahi) and then Rhode Island wins, Olivia Culpo! Wooo, way to go, girl.
Thanks for joining us tonight! We had fun.