Last time on 90210, they teased us with Dylan as the father of Kelly’s son Sammy, Annie chose Clark Ty, Ethan ran back to moan with I moan, Silver and Dixon were startin’ a little sompn’-sompn’, and Adrianna is a drugged-out actress.

Ty and Annie get hot n’ heavy onstage at the Spring Awakening rehearsal while Brenda and Silver snark at each other as Director and Stage Manager. More Silver and Brenda scenes please! Annie is acting as understudy for drugged-out Adrianna, which ought to end well. Silver confronts the light/sound guy and he conveniently quits so that Dixon can step in as her Knight in Electronic Armor. Awww.

I Moan demands that her bed-ridden mom get out of bed to buy groceries because she is sick of take-out and her mother not leaving the house. I Moan decides her father should see what a mess her mom is and fix it, so she decides to call him. Yeah, that should work. Back at school, Kelly, Principal Wilson and Mr. Mathews discuss the plotline of Spring Awakening and catch Annie making out with Ty offstage. Oops.

The Wilsons discuss Annie’s macking and Grandma assures them it probably isn’t that serious because a guy in the school play will most assuredly turn out to be gay. Snerk. And not that far off. In my theatre department in college you couldn’t throw a rock without hitting a gay guy.

Meanwhile, I Moan brings her dad to see her bed-ridden mom and Tracy is out of bed, dressed and all beautiful. Oooh, devious. I Moan leaves to confirm their dinner reservations and the Clarks confront each other about Gail the Beach House Mistress and Tracy slaps him. Nice! More slapping on this show! And then two women cat-fighting and falling into a pool! The Clarks then they have rough, crazy sex (I assume. We only get to see the kissing because it’s 8 pm/7 central.) Well, that’s healthy, Clark parents.

Mama Wilson talks with Annie about Ty, who says it’s more than a crush. Mama turns it into a sex talk, which mortifies Annie. She is further mortified by the fact that her father will probably not easily forget what he saw. Snerk. Thank god I never got caught making out with my boyfriends by my parents.

Adrianna shows up late to rehearsal and is clearly strung out, so Brenda tries to talk to her. I get the impression that Adrianna was some former child-star who cannot be skinny or young enough to get cast anymore. Brenda reassures her about being awesome in the play and gets her onstage to rehearse.

Silver, Annie and I Moan dish at lunch about the Ty-Annie liplock. Annie protests that she isn’t having sex and I Moan says she and Ethan did it almost instantly. Wow, that’s healthy too. Of course, considering the role models she has… these Clarks should write a book. On cue, Ethan walks up and says he and I Moan are coming to the show, then gives her a piggy-back while Silver tries not to barf. You and me both, sister.

Mr. Mathews pow-wows with Brenda and Kelly about Adrianna. Mr. Mathews thinks she might be using, but Brenda doesn’t think so. Really, Brenda? Really? Kelly wants to pull her from the play, but Brenda doesn’t, and Ryan says Brenda has to be friendly without becoming her friend.

Outside, Annie and Ty rehearse lines and Annie confesses how nervous she’s getting. They discuss the after-party at the Roosevelt Hotel and Ty says he booked them a room. Too bad there is no Keith Mars there to bust his ass. Annie looks ready to barf.

The Wilsons talk about how the Roosevelt Hotel is a pretty fancy-schmancy place for a musical after-party. Mama defends their daughter but Papa says Annie is no match for the young, male libido. Way to give your kid some credit there, daddio. The mysterious given-up-for-adoption son comes up (when do we find out that’s Mr. Mathews?) and Annie suddenly appears in a teeny, tiny, itsy-bitsy blue dress.

Brenda coaches Adrianna on her vocals in the school hallway when Adrianna’s mom stalks up. She is a bleached blonde in a Canadian tuxedo and is just a stripe of purple hair from being Rayanne Graff’s mom. She insists Adrianna will kill this play and start working again, as there are agents in the audience tonight.

Papa Wilson confronts Annie about her plans with Ty and the Roosevelt after-party. She wonders why he’s lecturing her if he supposedly trusts her and he has no response.

It’s now Opening Night?  But Brenda is in a different outfit from when she was coaching Adrianna just a couple minutes ago? The editing on this show is ridiculous. Backstage, Silver and Brenda find Adrianna passed out on a couch and when she wakes she’s obviously coked-out. Brenda yanks her from the play and puts Annie in in her place. Oh my god, you’re going out there a kid, Annie, but you’re coming back a STAR!

The play starts and the Wilsons are flabbergasted that Annie is the lead, as are Kelly and Ryan. Kelly goes to find out what happened to Adrianna, who is conveniently staggering around backstage. Her crazy stage mom starts yelling at Kelly and Adrianna insists that she’s fine. Kelly mentions the drugs and crazy mom ignores the concerned guidance counselor.

Ethan is in the audience, beaming at Annie. I Moan texts him to say she’s not coming. She is back at her house watching her mom throw out her dad’s stuff and finding out that her parents are getting a divorce because Papa Clark couldn’t choose between Tracy and Gail. Tracy tells I Moan that she (Tracy) needs to respect herself, and she is divorcing Papa Clark because he won’t choose his wife over his mistress. But it was okay when he had an out-of-town mistress? Is that it? I’m fuzzy on the whole good-bad thing…

Adrianna sneaks back into the auditorium for Annie and Ty’s big love scene, while the Wilsons look uncomfortable. Snerk. The play gets a standing ovation and Brenda gets to come onstage and take a bow. Yay Brenda! After the show, Annie says goodbye to Ty while Adrianna overhears their plans about the hotel. Hmmm. Anybody think Adrianna is going to seduce Ty?

OH DEAR LORD. Annie then confronts her BROTHER about borrowing his CONDOM that he has kept in his WALLET for FOUR YEARS. Oh my god, there are SO MANY things wrong with this scenario, I don’t even know where to start. Good lord. I don’t care if it’s your faux-brother, it’s close enough! I’m incredibly open with my brother but I do not BORROW his CONDOMS. GOD! EW! Also, it’s been in his wallet for FOUR YEARS, Annie. Use your brain! What are the chances it’s going to full protect you? Also, what on earth is a 16 year-old doing with a condom for FOUR YEARS? Counting back… carry the 1… take off my shoes… you were TWELVE when you put that bad-boy in your wallet, Dixon? Really?

Ugh. I’m totally skeeved out, but moving along. Annie then predictably runs into Ethan and drops said condom on the floor. Ethan tells her not to have sex with Ty, saying he’s a total player. Annie busts out the parking lot blowjob as a rebuttal, which is pretty good as far as rebuttals go. Ethan asks if she wouldn’t rather save herself for someone she cares about and she says, "I tried that. It didn’t work out." Oooh. Her voice even breaks a little, it’s nice.

Brenda and Kelly lament the high schoolers and all the pressure and Adrianna’s crazy mom. End scene. Kind of worthless, but I don’t care. More Brenda and Kelly! More Brenda and Kelly! Can Brenda, Kelly and SIlver just have a spin-off? Please?

At the hotel room, Adrianna shows up in an I’m Dangerous Tonight red dress. She tells Ty that Annie made-out with Ethan and then left the play with him. Oooh, I like Adrianna! New favorite character! Poolside, Dixon and Silver act all cute together and she kisses him. Way to go, Silver! She drags him off somewhere (BUT WHAT ABOUT HIS 4-YEAR OLD CONDOM?)

Annie heads for Ty’s hotel room and Adrianna answers the door in a towel. Annie says she must have the wrong room but Adrianna knows she’s looking for Ty. It’s very The Cutting Edge of them. Adrianna says Ty is in the shower and then asks if Ty asked Annie to meet him there too. After Annie leaves in tears, we see Adrianna turn off the empty shower. OOOOH! Rock. On. Adrianna. Now THIS is what I’m talkin’ about!  Overdoses and date rape cannot be far behind!

Ethan runs into upset Annie and wonders what happened, immediately thinking Ty did something to her. Aw, Ethan with the chivalry FTW! I Moan appears and Annie confesses that she was going to sleep with Ty, a guy she barely knows, and that she hates the world they all live in.

Meanwhile, Dixon and Silver make-out and he realizes that he doesn’t have his condom. Silver finds it creepy that he gave it to Annie (YES! LOVE HER!) and assures him that they weren’t going to have sex right there on the poolside furniture. Silver rules. I wish we could watch Silver and Adrianna just take over the known universe.

At home, the Wilsons are relieved to see Annie arrive so early and tell her how great she was in the play and how proud they are of her. They really are the Walshes 2.0, aww. Annie goes upstairs and cries in her room.

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."