Previously on “90210”… some stuff happened like eleventy billion years ago. It was, in fact, only 7 weeks ago but in TV Land that feels like forever. Anyway, Silver is love-crazy, Adrianna got Navid, I Moan lives in a hotel and has a new bad love interest and Ethan is torn between two lovers whiny teenage girls.

I Moan & Liam
I Moan apologizes for her champagne snafu and wants to start over. Liam grabs her outstretched hand and slams her up against the lockers for a passionate embrace. Dear god. I think my panties just burst into flames! Oh. Then it’s just a dream. Damn, they totally had me!

In math class, I Moan jumps at the chance to tutor Liam for extra credit, much to his dismay. She corners Liam by his car and tries to start over like in her dream. Her tutoring skills leave a little to be desired but turns out Liam is already pretty well versed in geometry.

So instead… he takes her drag racing. On the way, Liam exposits that he has a single-mom-who-doesn’t-care-about-him storyline. (You think that makes you special? Everybody in the 90210 zip code has that problem except Annie and Dixon.) He also likes to learn stuff you can’t learn in school and exploring the whole wide world. My boyfriend comments, “It’s Good Will Hunting in Beverly Hills.” Snerk.

The dragsters race “to the pier and back.” Are they racing for pinks? Where is Cha-Cha DiGregorio to wave her yellow scarf? I Moan shrieks a lot inside the car. Maybe I should start calling her I Shriek. She’s obviously high on the adrenaline rush. After the race, some skeezy racer comes on to I Moan, so Liam punches him and smashes his car window with a post. How Johnny Castle of him. Rowr. When they say goodnight, Liam grabs I Moan for the passionate smoochies she dreamt about.

Annie & Ethan & the Wilsons
Ethan is giving Annie quite the cold shoulder for the stealing-Rhonda’s-monologue incident. At home, she confesses to her parents that she quit the play to “focus on [her] relationship” with Ethan. I can barely type over the vomit in my mouth. Debbie is rightly distressed over her daughter’s needy, dependent attitude but Harry dismisses her. Short story is Debbie wants to go back to work and Harry supports her and gives her a new lens for her camera. I heart the Wilsons.

At school, Ethan tells Rhonda that he’s working things out with Annie. Rhonda doesn’t even want to be his friend anymore because of their “connection.” Meanwhile, Adrianna asks Annie to come back to the play and lets it slip that Ethan kissed Rhonda at the V-Day dance (totally innocently on Adrianna’s part, just for the record).

Does Annie confront Ethan first? Nope, she storms off to smack around the other woman. Like you do. Rhonda very level-headedly tells Annie to talk to Ethan, but whiny, snotty Annie just pulls a face and flounces off to leave Ethan a voicemail. She then tries to rejoin the play, but the director won’t let her. So Annie goes off to “hang” with Max, a Parker Lewis-looking guy from the play.

Max and Annie lay out in the park and look at the stars, until Ethan storms in and pees all over Annie to declare that he owns her. Not really, but he’s pretty self-righteous considering. Then he just ends it with Annie because they’re growing apart and he felt something with Rhonda. He says he doesn’t want a girlfriend right now so he can “figure out who [he is],” but I’ll lay even money he’s smooching Julie Taylor within two episodes.

Dixon & Silver

We join them post-coital in the media room at school and Silver reveals

that they’ve done it all over school. Dixon suggests they try a bed.

She heads off to Mr. Matthews class, gaga over their poetry-writing

assignment. She requests to do a video for her presentation.

Turns out Silver’s video is a giant wet lickery kiss to Dixon. She

corners him at the Peach Pit and they do it in the storage room. Oh,

horny teens! You scamps! Back at school that night, Silver edits her

video and tells Mr. Matthews she has realized she wants to be a

filmmaker. She then sneaks into the Wilsons house to surprise Dixon in

bed at like 5 am.

Silver tells Dixon that Matthews’ 10-minute time limit is cramping her

style so she’s renting a theatre to screen her masterpiece and scampers

off into the morn. Good lord, is Silver on crack? Is this the new drug


At the screening, Mr. Matthews very graciously gives Silver a lovely

introduction and then the cringiness begins. It starts off really

awesome but then turns into a Dixon-Silver porno. She hid a camera in

the storage closet in the Peach Pit! Oh my god, Silver! Dixon runs away and

they turn the movie off.

Dixon is (understandably) furious and betrayed. Silver begs him and

pleads and gets all “I will not be IGNORED, Dan” but Dixon just storms

off. So Silver lights fire to her film in the Wilsons front yard. Well,

at least she didn’t boil your bunny, right?

I spoke too soon.

When Mr. Matthews gets home,

SIlver is inside his apartment and is completely white-jacket-off-the-rails-cray-cray. She

blames him for her humiliation, citing revenge for the blog post. As he

advances towards her, obviously concerned, she picks up a bottle. Both

Mr. Matthews and Dixon have used the line “are you out of your mind,”

which to her means Mr. Matthews is guilty. She throws the bottle and

demands that Mr. Matthews FIX ALL OF THIS!

Oh. My. God.

Best Exchange
Adrianna: Are you okay … about the Ethan stuff? I’m really sorry.
Annie: Why? You didn’t kiss Rhonda. [Now that would be a storyline!]
Max: Yo Annie… Juno. A bunch of us are going to go hang, you want in?

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."