On “90210,” an earthquake hits Beverly Hills, underscoring the crumbling infrastructure inside each of the characters’ lives. Naomi claims she was canoodling with Robert Pattinson on the Riviera all summer, but really she was hiding out in a flea bag motel (named the Riviera — points for writing what you know!), struggling with her unstable financial situation and the aftermath of Canon raping her. When she returns to school and finds that her rapist has not transferred to London as promised, she momentarily considers pressing charges before realizing she doesn’t have a leg to stand on, legally. Instead of consulting a therapist, she decides turning into a drunken slut is just the ticket.
Naomi’s sexual compensation reaches so far as to entangle Teddy, who is reeling after an injury from the earthquake shatters his hopes of becoming a competitive tennis player any time soon. Instead of appreciating Silver’s optimism and consolation, he gets wasted and tells her she’s a talentless wench, then very nearly falls for Naomi’s advances. Silver predictably walks in at exactly the wrong moment. Her vulnerability will certainly come in handy for Canon, who has been assigned her senior project adviser.
Annie — who is fresh out of the ankle bracelet from her hit-and-run-induced summer of house arrest — has a different adviser entirely in that sad sack we’ve all come to know and hate, Ryan Matthews. He encourages Annie to apply for a fall internship at a local theater company, assuring her that her murderous records are sealed and she can turn over a new leaf. Of course she does exactly the opposite and wigs out at the interview, belching out every last detail of her pathetic life from the manslaughter to her parents’ divorce. It’s exactly what the unscrupulous hiring boss ordered, though, and Annie gets the internship because she seemed desperate enough to do whatever nefarious plans Trina Theatermeister has in mind. Ironically, the one new leaf Annie does turn over is some bunk new policy of all honestly, all the time. Within the course of the episode she manages to win back the affection of Liam, whom she totally abandoned during her summer of infamy, only to spurn his romantic overtures and effectively end their friendship. So, let’s recap: Alone, desperate, self-obsessed and utterly useless at life. That’s our Annie!
Dixon is faring only slightly better. After leaving Australia early to tend to his broken-hearted mama in the midst of her divorce proceedings, he sees Ivy for the first time in three months. Only she’s not alone. Attached at her hip is a rakish Australian named Oscar, a family friend who smugly tells Dixon that he once saw Ivy “in her knickers.” Dixon burns with jealousy, which we discover is a spot-on instinct thanks to a vomit-inducing afternoon sex dream featuring Ivy and Oscar. Ivy tries to shrug it off and quickly (read: guiltily) reciprocates when Dixon apologizes and says he loves her. Of course it’s all going to go down in flames, because Oscar arrogantly calls Ivy out for wanting her and tells her the feeling’s mutual (nay, palpable!)… mind you, that’s just before he heads down the hall and f***s her mother. Classy.
And then there’s AAdrianna… She returns from her summer tour with Navid Lite, who quickly informs her that he’s dropping her from his show and that she will never be a successful because she is not as gifted as he. Before you can say, “He had it coming,” NL is plowed down by oncoming traffic. He leaves behind a book full of songs that AAdrianna immediately pilfers. She sets a date to preview her new songs to Ivy’s MILF ASAP. But it stings the worst when she performs a solo show for Navid, who admits he was “only lukewarm” on her old material but says this new stuff is the best she’s ever written. Sadly for all of us, it’s still only as good as the writers of this show can muster.
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