Next the female members of the Top 13 are doing “Glamorous.” Allison looks like she forgot to put her dress on, it’s a black slip over black nylons and boots. Fergie comes strutting out singing “Big Girls Don’t Cry” and I am thinking, “Man, do you remember how cute she was on Kids, Incorporated?” Nowadays, she is in the dictionary next to the word “Butterface.” This leads into the Black Eyed Peas. Raise your hand if you knew they were still performing together? Yeah, me neither.

Time for more Golden Idols. For Best Attitude, we get Bikini Girl (I hate her… so much… it flames… FLAMES… on the side of my face… heaving breaths), Alexis Cohen (get this girl some medication), and Tiffany Shedd (does she sing “Because of you I learned to PEE on the same side so I don’t get hurt?”). Katrina wins and struts out onstage in her bikini with what look like softballs on her chest. God, she’s gross.

She gets to sing “Visions of Love” and she is still a singer who has a couple good spots and some vibrato and thinks she can sing. THEN Kara Dioguardi comes out to sing with/against Katrina and it’s great. Katrina just has to stand there and look like a complete ass in a bikini, which is really all the poor girl is good for so whatever. She tries to compete with Kara but is so completely over-matched it’s just embarrassing for her. Yeah! During the big glory note, Kara unbuttons her dress to reveal a bikini. Apparently Ryan and the judges bet her she wouldn’t do it, so now they are donating to her favorite charity.

I just… I don’t even know what is happening right now. I feel li
ke I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole by way of the skank bus and some little person is going to welcome me to the Black Lodge and speak backwards. When do we find out the winner? WHEN? Oh my god, we’re only half-way through y’all.

Now Adam and Kris sing “We Are the Champions” together. Kris gets the good-for-his-voice lower stuff, then Adam takes the higher stuff, it works really well. Then the giant Idol choir comes out and the smoke machine kicks into overdrive and some old dude rocker is playing guitar (sorry, if it’s Queen all I got is Freddy Mercury and he’s dead and though I wouldn’t put it past Idol to resurrect someone, I don’t think it’s him.) and the lights are going crazy and I think I’m having a seizure.

Suddenly there are hands being waved in the air and bright light like I’m crossing over and Kris and Adam are holding hands and a Coca-Cola just popped right out of my computer and peace was declared in the Middle East and I’m crying and I think I peed my pants a little. It’s TOO MUCH. TOO MUCH!

**So I used to make fun of my mom for watching  “So You Think You Can Dance,” then I watched last season and it is A-MAZING. Katee and Joshua 4EVA.**

So it’s finally time, guys. We’re here! The moment’s arrived! Before the results, Simon says, “I don’t normally mean this, I thought you were both brilliant. Unusually incredibly nice people and I think that both of you should be very proud of what you achieved last night and the future’s all yours.” Awwww.

And your 2009 “American Idol” winner is… KRIS ALLEN! OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!!!

You know what? That’s totally fine. I think he will make a much more 19-Entertainment-friendly record and Adam will be fabulous all on his own. That’s great, good for Kris! He’s at a total loss for words.

Adam was totally happy for him, which is so great to see. They laugh together after Kris gets his new “American Idol” Winner’s Trophy and then he sings his coronation song. It’s better than last night, did they lower the key? Kris leads the Idols out to the stage in the audience like a little Pied Piper of Cuteness. There are sparks everywhere and lots of big hugs, the best being with his wife after the song ends.

For all the outraged Adam fans, this year in particular I really don’t think it matters who wins. PS: Don’t forget that both Kris and Adam’s versions of “No Boundaries” are available on iTunes, as is David Cook’s “Permanent” and all the money from “Permanent” goes towards ABCSquared.

It has been an honor and privilege to bring you guys the “American Idol” recaps this year. I can hardly wait for next January! I’m pumped to see what kind of stuff Kris, Adam and Allison release. Thanks for reading! Andrea out.

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."