Tonight “American Idol” crowned Kris Allen as the winner of season 8. Congratulations, Kris!
Ryan welcomes us to the circus that is the “American Idol” finale show. He informs us that just under 100 million votes came in, which brings the season total to 624 million votes, which is a record.
We now say hello to the judges. Randy is dressed like the Nutty Professor, Kara and Paula are beautiful and Simon has on the same clothes from last night. Their video montages are hilarious. Randy’s is full of “for me,” Kara is full of “sweetie” and “honey,” Paula’s is full of big-word salad, and Simon’s is full of all the times he either didn’t hear or wasn’t paying attention.
Ryan brings out the finalists. They both seem a little shell-shocked. We check in with Conway, Arkansas and Mikalah Gordon. Mikalah has become very monochromatic and appears to have stolen Lisa Rinna’s lips. In San Diego, we have the awesome Carly Smithson.
We kick off the myriad of performances with the Top 13 singing “So What” while dressed all in white. The choreography is hilarious, it’s like the Show Choir Rejects. And then Allison yells at us and there’s a scary crotch-shot when she kicks her leg up. Alexis looks so hot and I am saddened that she is not on the tour. This group seems to be having so much fun together, I want to go on tour with them! I can carry an amp or something!
David Cook time. He performs “Permanent,” which is a beautiful piano number, very subdued and not at all what I was expecting. Very nice.The rock part kicks in on the bridge and there’s a couple great big notes, then a subdued ending. Really enjoyed that, David. Seacrest and David inform us that “Permanent” will be on iTunes after the show and the proceeds will go to ABCSquared (I can’t do a little 2 on my computer), which is a cancer foundation. David’s brother recently passed away from brain cancer. Awww, I’m all sniffly over here.
Now we have one of my least-favorite filler segments, the Golden Idol awards. I really don’t need to revisit the crazypants people from this season. Sigh. The nominees for Outstanding Male are Will Kunick (who sang “Mad World” very badly), Michael Gurr (who creepily moaned… something), Elijah Scarlett (Barry White, minus the vocal talent), Dean-Anthony Bradford (who shot the couch and made a jacket, then screamed some stuff at us with his scary monkey face. Also, his “agent” emailed me to inform me to look out for him on Idol), and Norman Gentle (I’m sure no reminder is necessary). Norman Gentle wins, strips off his clothes and sings “And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going.” This was mildly funny the first time, but I’m really over it.
Once that trainwreck is over, we have Lil Rounds singing with Queen Latifah on “Cue the Rain.” It’s pretty good, actually. Lil should be in some kind of Destiny’s Child girl group because she sounds so much better when she has a buddy to sing with. They have some decent harmony and sound excellent when they sing in unison. Outfit-wise, Lil looks awesome in a black & white bustier top. As for Queen L… I’ll let Alert Commenter Mel say it for me: “WHY is Queen Latifah in that unitard.” Seriously.
Now we have Jason Mraz, Anoop Desai and Alexis Grace performing “I’m Yours.” Man, I wish Kris Allen had done this on Idol this season. Why couldn’t this be his duet tonight? Bah. Anyway, it’s nice with Anoop and Alexis, even if she’s dressed a like Pixie Hooker. Oh, then the other Idols join them for backup.
Kris Allen’s video montage. It’s a lot of Kris being adorable. He then performs “Kiss a Girl” with Keith Urban. They sound great together and are totally rocking their guitars, what an excellent duet.
**You know that commercial for Electrolux with Kelly Ripa? I can’t decide if she really is the perfect perky housewife or if she is downing pain killers with vodka and beating her kids with wire hangers.**
**Also, the Boy Band Frostee commercial for Wendy’s? Would’ve been sort-of funny like 7 years ago.**
Next the female members of the Top 13 are doing “Glamorous.” Allison looks like she forgot to put her dress on, it’s a black slip over black nylons and boots. Fergie comes strutting out singing “Big Girls Don’t Cry” and I am thinking, “Man, do you remember how cute she was on Kids, Incorporated?” Nowadays, she is in the dictionary next to the word “Butterface.” This leads into the Black Eyed Peas. Raise your hand if you knew they were still performing together? Yeah, me neither.
Time for more Golden Idols. For Best Attitude, we get Bikini Girl (I hate her… so much… it flames… FLAMES… on the side of my face… heaving breaths), Alexis Cohen (get this girl some medication), and Tiffany Shedd (does she sing “Because of you I learned to PEE on the same side so I don’t get hurt?”). Katrina wins and struts out onstage in her bikini with what look like softballs on her chest. God, she’s gross.
She gets to sing “Visions of Love” and she is still a singer who has a couple good spots and some vibrato and thinks she can sing. THEN Kara Dioguardi comes out to sing with/against Katrina and it’s great. Katrina just has to stand there and look like a complete ass in a bikini, which is really all the poor girl is good for so whatever. She tries to compete with Kara but is so completely over-matched it’s just embarrassing for her. Yeah! During the big glory note, Kara unbuttons her dress to reveal a bikini. Apparently Ryan and the judges bet her she wouldn’t do it, so now they are donating to her favorite charity.
I just… I don’t even know what is happening right now. I feel li
ke I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole by way of the skank bus and some little person is going to welcome me to the Black Lodge and speak backwards. When do we find out the winner? WHEN? Oh my god, we’re only half-way through y’all.
Allison is back, Allison is back! She’s doing “Time After Time” with Cyndi Lauper (hopefully not drunk). In fact, Cyndi is rocking a… lap guitar? No matter, it’s still cool, and they both sound great. What an awesome duet, especially the harmony on the chorus and their alternating on the end. So gorgeous! And thank God they didn’t do some creepy Phantom-Ingenue thing with her, like poor Katharine McPhee had to do with Meatloaf.
We check in with the Allen family and Lambert family. Kris wins the Adorable Family Contest, but he’s so adorable himself that I wouldn’t be surprised if his mother was Swedish and his father was a tiny little bunny.
Danny Gokey time. He’s doing “Hello” and it’s a real shame they didn’t have a blind woman making a bust of him out of clay right there on stage. That would’ve been awesome. For all of you who are just convinced I have a Danny Gokey Voodoo doll in my room, I think he sounds great. I got a little spoiled on this song because of David Cook’s version, but Danny still does a great job. Lionel Ritchie comes out and they sing “Just Go” together. Does anybody else get Lionel Ritchie and Smokey Robinson confused sometimes? Just me?
They transition into “All Night Long.” Hey, remember that commercial where noctural animals sang this in night vision? My brother once said, “I had the TV muted the first time I saw that commercial and it scared the bejeesus out of me.” Heh heh. Lionel and Danny seem to be having a great time together, it’s delightful to watch.
Up next is Adam Lambert‘s video montage. The highlight is when he absolutely scared the poop out of Randy Travis. Snerk. Tonight he sings “Beth” by KISS and he is dressed like Riff-Raff at the end of Rocky Horror, which is at least a branch-out from Dr. Frank-n-furter. KISS then comes out, which is AWESOME. I did not actually know they were going to be on the show. They do “Detroit Rock City” and “Rock n Roll All Night (and Party Every Day).”
Adam sounds great and I try not to be distracted by the one guitar player who is way too old and hairy to be wearing a chest-less onesie. I kind of forgot how much KISS looks like Ax, Smash and Crush in Demolition.
**I am beyond excited about Harry Potter this summer and “Glee” in the Fall. I actually got teary-eyed during their “Don’t Stop Believin'” the other night. (I know, I need serious help.)**
Carlos Santana time. He’s doing “Black Magic Woman” or “The Song From the Creepy Lizard Sobe Commercials.” I was starting to think apparently Carlos Santana doesn’t have to perform with any Idols, sort-of an “I’m Carlos Santana, bitch!” Chappelle-show-thing, but then Matt Giraud pops on screen and I realize I am mistaken.
All the Idols come out and groove to “Smooth” and Jorge gets a nice solo. Like they went, “Hey, here’s a Latin artist, let’s give the Hispanic guy a solo!” Oh god, did you just see Danny Gokey thrust his crotch on “make it REAL?” Scary stuff. No more crotch-thrusting, please.
Star Watch: Heather Locklear, Camryn Manheim (two nights in a row, Camryn!), possibly Mandisa, and Courteney Cox (I love you, Courteney Cox!) Update: thanks to Alert Commenter Sissers, that was not Courteney and was, in fact, Janice Dickenson. I am *deeply* shamed. Guh. I hate that woman.
The final Ford Music Video is “I Will Remember You” by Kris and Adam and it sounds fabulous! Put that on iTunes, please. The actual video is a montage of this season’s other Ford Music Videos.
David Cook then “surprises” the final two with brand-new 2010 Ford Fusion Hybrids. That’s awesome, though the surprise element is suspect.
STEVE MARTIN TIME! I love him so much. He “gets” to perform with Michael Sarver and Megan Joy. I kid, I kid, but still… out of all the Top 10, Steve Martin gets them? They do an okay job, but there are some REAL rough spots many, many rough spots. Oh dear lord. When asked who is going to win, Steve replies, “Well, I know it’s a long shot, but I hope I do.” Heh heh.
The male Idols perform “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” while dressed like the Reservoir Dogs. I think Anoop is Mr. Blonde, he’s got a little crazy lurking in there. Kris is Mr. Orange and Adam is his Mr. White. Rod Stewart arrives in the same jacket that creepy Dean-Anthony Whatever had on earlier. He sings “Maggie May,” though, which is just a great song. Uh… is Rod Stewart drunk? He stumbles down the stairs and is kind of slurring the words.
Star Watch: over the shoulder of some bleached-blonde guy I should probably know, Michael Cera appears to be in the house
Oh god, another Golden Idol. Outstanding Female is between Chelsea Marquardt (the Prince from “Shrek?”), Irene Anguelova (I didn’t know Moaning Myrtle was ever on this show), Dana Moreno, and Tatiana del Toro. Gee, I wonder who will win? I think if I had to choose between listening to Norman Gentle and Tatiana del Toro, I would choose… having my fingernails ripped off one-by-one.
Tatiana wins and makes a break for the stage while Ryan tries to go to commercial and some security guards try to catch her. It’s stupid and planned and C’MON ALREADY.
Star Watch: Ruben Studdard, with his mouth hanging open at the shenanigans this show has come to since his tenure on Idol. You and me both, Ruben.
Now Adam and Kris sing “We Are the Champions” together. Kris gets the good-for-his-voice lower stuff, then Adam takes the higher stuff, it works really well. Then the giant Idol choir comes out and the smoke machine kicks into overdrive and some old dude rocker is playing guitar (sorry, if it’s Queen all I got is Freddy Mercury and he’s dead and though I wouldn’t put it past Idol to resurrect someone, I don’t think it’s him.) and the lights are going crazy and I think I’m having a seizure.
Suddenly there are hands being waved in the air and bright light like I’m crossing over and Kris and Adam are holding hands and a Coca-Cola just popped right out of my computer and peace was declared in the Middle East and I’m crying and I think I peed my pants a little. It’s TOO MUCH. TOO MUCH!
**So I used to make fun of my mom for watching “So You Think You Can Dance,” then I watched last season and it is A-MAZING. Katee and Joshua 4EVA.**
So it’s finally time, guys. We’re here! The moment’s arrived! Before the results, Simon says, “I don’t normally mean this, I thought you were both brilliant. Unusually incredibly nice people and I think that both of you should be very proud of what you achieved last night and the future’s all yours.” Awwww.
And your 2009 “American Idol” winner is… KRIS ALLEN! OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!!!
You know what? That’s totally fine. I think he will make a much more 19-Entertainment-friendly record and Adam will be fabulous all on his own. That’s great, good for Kris! He’s at a total loss for words.
Adam was totally happy for him, which is so great to see. They laugh together after Kris gets his new “American Idol” Winner’s Trophy and then he sings his coronation song. It’s better than last night, did they lower the key? Kris leads the Idols out to the stage in the audience like a little Pied Piper of Cuteness. There are sparks everywhere and lots of big hugs, the best being with his wife after the song ends.
For all the outraged Adam fans, this year in particular I really don’t think it matters who wins. PS: Don’t forget that both Kris and Adam’s versions of “No Boundaries” are available on iTunes, as is David Cook’s “Permanent” and all the money from “Permanent” goes towards ABCSquared.
It has been an honor and privilege to bring you guys the “American Idol” recaps this year. I can hardly wait for next January! I’m pumped to see what kind of stuff Kris, Adam and Allison release. Thanks for reading! Andrea out.