pia haley whitney american idol 'American Idol' recap: Guess That's Why They Call It The CreepsSo since we last talked some s*** has happened in Japan. You know how we bombed them that time, and it was the worst thing probably that ever happened on this planet? And it is on us still? Well, what happened next is that nature recently decided to do about sixty awful things at once to top us. So it’s real bad. I would say that of the information available to us, I am aware about maybe 5%. I don’t feel great about that, I’m just telling you. Compared to Steven Tyler, I cannot feel terrible about that.

Mostly I’m afraid less about my NPR cache and more that the entire archipelago will become untenable and they’ll have to move to China, where either they will be victim to weird Chinese s*** and then no more Japan — which sucks because Japan has always been its own little bada** planet with the power of 100 bigger countries to create its own culture, history, crazy, etc. — or it’ll be more of a Middle America situation, where China and Japan become one single bad-idea superpower, like a generation from now. Which, in that case, it’s pretty much the end of our bulls*** entirely. Also kind of sad, in its way.

So luckily Ryan Seacrest and the Judges of American Idol are going to fix that. After a horrible moment where Tyler goes, “There’s something wrong in the world today… hey there.” I don’t have one thing against charity, as you know, but I also don’t have much to say about what it takes for a monolith like this or BP to get their asses in gear, because it sounds like I’m b******* when I’m not. The only thing I hate more than apocalypse/conspiracy talk is looking a gift horse in the mouth, even when that horse is owned by Rupert F’ing Murdoch.

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