(obviously no Wild Cards).

Nick welcomes us and welcomes the judges, who take the stage to some very Emperor from Star Wars music. Are they going to fight in a gladiator arena? My money would be on Sharon Osbourne. They also tell us that the acts can be buzzed off, even though our votes can still keep the act there. Was it that way last year? I can't remember. The Top 5 move on to the next round.

1. Breaksk8

"Smooth Criminal" is their piece and there's lights and extra dancers and fog, but it's just way too slow. It's like they're dancing in molasses. By the time they get to the neat solos and the group unison at the end (which were great), they'd already lost me. Nick Cannon calls their performance a "tribute to the King of Pop." OH. MY. GOD. I am so sick of hearing about effing Michael Jackson I could just spit. He was a great artist, he turned into a total weirdo and possible child molester and he died. GET OVER IT. Not every use of one of his songs is some "tribute."

Piers and I are on the exact same wavelength with how the dance was too slow. Yes. Sharon gets her Paula Abdul on by having rainbows and puppies for them. The Hoff says they don't need the girl back-up dancers. That's true too. Should they advance out of tonight? Maybe.

2. Thia Megia
She sings "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus. On the one hand, yuck. On the other hand, she did pick something very age-appropriate. Unfortunately, she's a little mush-mouthed and she's got a few bum notes.

Sharon loves her innocence and age-appropriateness. Yes. The Hoff says, "Thia Megia, you really got to me-ah." Hahah. He says she nailed it. Piers doesn't get to talk because the keyboard-playing cat is on crack tonight. When he finally gets his one word in, he says, "Brilliant."

3. Platt Brothers
The acrobatic brothers are the third act tonight and it's totally weird. They start off in their matching warm-up outfits, then change to white suits and lip sync to some kung fu stuff? Then there's some ballet? Then they flip their brother up into the rafters. It was disappointing and really random.

The Hoff says he likes the physicality but the lip syncing needs to go. Yes. Piers agrees on disliking the randomness. They need to figure out who they are. Sharon agrees. The Platt Brothers are totally classy in receiving the criticism, so that's cool.

4. The Diva League

Up now are a bunch of drag queen dancers. Sigh. Why are they back? They're calling themselves the "Glampires of Hollywood" tonight. Hmmm. They come crawling out of their coffins and there's fog and stuff. I wonder if this is a tribute to the King of Pop because it's kind of "Thriller"-like. They lip sync and dance around and it's terrible Piers buzzes them. I'm with you, Piers.

Piers says "a bunch of lip syncing old drag queens who can't dance is not what America needs right now. Not exactly Barack Obama." Well, I'm not sure what the President has to do with ANYTHING, but I like the first half of that statement." Sharon loved it (of course).

5. Manuela Horn
Sigh. I can't believe she got through. She's combining her mommy and dominatrix into a Mominatrix tonight. Oh dear. Dressed like Lucille Ball she sings "Dontcha." The outfit, set and props are cute but the singing is HORRIBLE and the Village People back-up dancers are ridiculous. BZZZZZZZ.

She ends up getting all three buzzers. Yeah. The judges hate that she stripped away everything they loved about her. They voted her through because her character/act was so unique and this one was just horrible and slow and boring.

6. Grandma Lee
I'm not going to lie, I liked Grandma Lee. She's original and seems like a cool lady. However, tonight is a little rough. Her delivery and timing is off, but maybe she's just nervous. She seems nervous. I like the blind date/cataracts joke and I like her bit with Piers and The Hoff's underwear. The Hoff part of that actually made me chuckle out loud.

The Hoff says she's going to Vegas. I wouldn't go that far, but it's a nice thing to say. Piers says he cannot have her two-timing him with David Hasselhoff. Heh heh. The best exchange EVER happens when it gets to Sharon. Sharon goes, "Between us girls, who was better?" and Grandma Lee responds, "You were there." Oh my god, I'm voting her through just for that. That was excellent.

7. Mosaic
I'm a total geek about these guys. I love men's acapella music. Straight No Chaser, the True Men, Off the Beat, The Pikers, and the Brown Derbies… I love you! Anyway, the do "Superstition" and it's great. The vocal percussion, the faux trumpets, the soloists… it's all great.

The Hoff liked how the song built, Piers says nearly perfect and Sharon agrees with the Hoff that the ending was better than the beginning. I think the whole thing was good. I hope they get through.

8. Acrodunk

I found these guys highly entertaining, but they are MUCH more suited for the halftime of an NBA or NFL game, not a show in Las Vegas. Once again, they are high-flying and athletic but just not what I would put in Vegas. However, are the one of the best 5 tonight? Definitely. The guy walking up the brick wall and the big finale move were both awesome.

The judges and crowd both go buck wild. Sharon says that this showed how this can be a Vegas act, which I don't agree with. The Hoff says they were awesome. Piers says it's one of the most extraordinary acts he's ever seen on the show. Wow, that's some high praise coming from Piers.

9. Arcadian Broad

Tonight he starts off playing some pretty bad-ass piano, then gets up, whips off his tux all "I GOTTA DANCE!" and "Footloose" starts playing. SO GREAT. What a fantastic routine. The spins and leaps are just amazing, I can't believe this kid is 13 years old. Awesome.

The Hoff says that Arcadian made the night his and he might even win. Piers says that he doesn't want to see Arcadian play the piano ever again. Boooo! It fit with the theme of the act tonight. Piers just wants to
see dancing. Sharon takes the criticism and does it the right way, by saying that the piano playing went on too long but that it was nice to see his different dimensions. I agree more with Sharon, but it's like none of them "got" it. He was all buttoned up in a tux and then he just had to BUST OUT and DANCE! Have none of them seen "Footloose?" Sheesh.

10. Drew Thomas Magic
The trick involves putting three women in a crate, fooling us into thinking they are going to be in a crate on stage right, then actually having the three male warehouse workers turn out to be the women and the warehouse workers are in the crate and Drew Thomas appears behind the judges. It was really well done, I was totally fooled.

The judges love it. The only criticism is to change his look because he does look kind-of schlubby in a dress shirt and jeans and the Hoff says he doesn't want the crate shipped to him since Drew turned the women into dudes. Hahahah.

11. Kevin Skinner
Kevin kind-of blows it tonight. First off, he's gotten a makeover and that takes away from his appeal. Secondly, "To Make You Feel My Love" does not have the emotional resonance that "If Tomorrow Never Comes" has. Finally, he doesn't play or sing as well as his first audition. So now he's a slick-looking mediocre singer/guitar player and his appeal is gone.

The judges have nothing but tgood things to say. I mean, what are they going to do? Criticize the simple chicken-catcher who can sing? I just honestly didn't think it was that great.

12. Lake Houston Dance

Not only am I annoyed that these little munchkins got brought back, but I can't believe they got the Pimp Spot. Like I said before, there are too many of them. At this level, it's no longer everybody-gets-to-play-little-league. Take the best 14 dancers, cut the group in half and put together a show that is actually really great. They still aren't Las Vegas appropriate, though. At least they ditched the stupid wigs. Tonight their routine is all Slumber Party and is set to an up-tempo "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." I'll admit, it's better than the disco routine, but there are clearly a group of girls who are BETTER than the others. I want to see just them dance. I don't need the girls who can't keep up. Also, the stupid pillow fight ending was weak.

The Hoff is glad they ditched the wigs. Yes. Piers says there were too many things on the stage, too many props. Sharon says she loved the song choice, but there are too many of them. YES!

So if you want to vote, the numbers are 1-866-60-248-(the number). If I had my choice, the 5 who would advance from tonight would be Thia Megia, Mosaic, Arcadian Broad, Drew Thomas and either Kevin Skinner or Acrodunk. I can't decide. Acrodunk is probably more Vegas-friendly than Kevin Skinner. I don't understand why we even had the Wild Card. Neither of the WC acts tonight deserve to continue.

Tomorrow night's live results show features season 2 winner Terry Fator and Mariah Carey. Woot woot!

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Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."