fab five 'America's Got Talent' finale: If Kevin Skinner wins, I give upTonight on “America’s Got Talent,” the Top 10 perform. I want the Fab Five or Recycled Percussion to win, but I know they won’t.

Your Top 10 tonight are Kevin Skinner, the Texas Tenors, Recycled Percussion, Grandma Lee, Fab Five, Voices of Glory, Drew Stevyns, Hairo Torres, Lawrence Beaman and Barbara Padilla. My Top 5 picks without seeing them perform are (in order from 5th to 1st) Lawrence Beaman, Recycled Percussion, Hairo Torres, Barbara Padilla and the Fab Five. We’ll see if that holds up after tonight’s performances.

I do honestly want to see the Fab Five win, for several reasons. I think they are extremely talented. I also love that they are getting by on pure talent and exploiting the fact that they are good-looking women. They haven’t gone all skanky. Finally, I think they are DIFFERENT. I mean, we have 10 acts and 6 are singing. This ain’t “American Idol” and I’d like to see a non-singer win.

Did you hear? Susan Boyle is coming to “America’s Got Talent” on Wednesday. She is being joined by a cavalcade of stars, including Leona Lewis (love her!).

1. Voices of Glory
They are singing “Greatest Love of All” and I can’t help but think of Cordelia Chase in the talent show. Heeeee. Nadia takes lead (which is good) but she’s off at the start. It makes me worry she can’t hear her accompaniment very well. And the harmonies aren’t so great when the brothers come in. However, they all look really sharp and Nadia tears it up on the end. I hope Idol is still around when Nadia is old enough.

Piers says they finally clicked tonight, Sharon says fantastic, The Hoff says “you not only brought your mom out of a coma, you brought Piers out of a coma.” He’s such a dork, I love it.

2. Hairo Torres
He starts with old-timey costumes and “Puttin on the Ritz,” then goes into “Closer” by NeYo. Um… it’s interesting. It’s just him by himself, it’s very emotive and there’s hardly any of his typical hip-hop moves. I don’t love it. It looks more like a SYTYCD solo, which is fine for that show, but on this show it just lost what we love about Hairo. I think Hairo just danced himself OUT of placing.

The judges say nice things, but are VERY subdued. Sharon says he took a big risk but she liked it. The Hoff says he can tie that all together in Vegas. Piers says it didn’t work. No, it didn’t.  Sorry, Hairo. I’d love to see you next summer on SYTYCD, though.

3. Lawrence Beaman
“My First, My Last, My Everything’ by Barry White is the song tapped for tonight and from the first line I’m like, “WOW, he sounds like Barry!” Seriously, it’s the first time I’ve actually thought that. Is anyone else picturing Peter MacNichol dancing in the unisex bathroom? Just me? Anyway, this is VERY good. He goes and plays it up with the audience, he looks VERY dapper in an ivory suit. I love it.

The Hoff says Lawrence is leaving the show a star. Yes. Piers says they could’ve used more personality, but the vocals were fantastic. Sharon loved it as well.

4. Barbara Padilla
Barbara sings her audition song, “O Mio Babino, Caro,” which is a great song and quite hard to sing. She looks beautiful, first off. Also, I love how controlled her high notes are in the beginning and then she really lets loose on “Mi struggo e mi tormento! O Dio, vorrei morir! Babbo, pietà, pietà! Babbo, pietà, pietà.”

Piers starts talking about “An Officer and a Gentleman” and how people think she’s living their dream. It’s a weird critique/compliment. Sharon says she looks and sounds like a billion dollars. The Hoff compares her to Audrey Hepburn and says she commands their attention and respect and she’ll play bigger halls than Vegas.

5. Fab Five
Man, it’s like they’re trying to bury Lawrence, Barbara and the Fab Five in the middle. Anyway, the ladies dance to Britney’s “Circus” tonight and have a ringmaster and ballerina/old-timey swimmer outfits. It’s super-cute. I LOVE the bird’s eye camera shot. Overall, I thought it was pretty strong. Not my favorite of theirs, but still very good.

Sharon says it was beautifully “choreographered.” Heh heh. We know what you mean, Sharon. The Hoff says they bring such happiness and energy to the stage. Piers says they have extraordinary chemistry and have obviously put more hours into their act than just about anyone else.

6. Texas Tenors
In the pre-performance video, The Hoff says they are the “most Vegas” of all the acts. Um, what? Are you HIGH? They aren’t VEGAS. Mario & Jenny were Vegas. Also, they aren’t GOOD.

They sing “My Way” tonight and the Brawny Paper Towel tenor kicks it off, then Ken Doll comes in and he sounds great. He should really be a solo act. Chubby Bearded tenor joins in and I just don’t care for his voice. I finally figured out what the problem is: the two operatic guys should sing together and Ken Doll tenor should be a solo. The other two have similar voices and could probably do alright together, but as a group this just hurts my ears. If you think they are good, I really just question your taste and musical ear. They can’t blend AT ALL and their harmonies are not always on. The final note is terrible, but I bet you all the money I have the judges go absolutely apesh*t for this act. Sigh.

The Hoff says terrific, Piers says it was the cheesiest thing ever (YES) but then says they are his guilty pleasure. Gross, Piers. Sharon says she loves their cheese. I love cheese too, guys, but these three have no business being in the finals as a trio.

7. Drew Stevyns
Tonight Drew sings “I’ll Stand by You” by the Pretenders. Interesting choice. Oooh, his notes are OFF. “Why you look so sad” and “don’t be afraid to cry” are FLAT. Geez. I want to like this Jensen Ackles-lookalike, but this isn’t good. He’s like a guy at an open mic night in a bar trying to do Daughtry stuff. OH GOD, then we get the bridge and the key-change. Yikes. This is not good, Drew. Not good.

Piers says he gave his best performance so far (not true) and that he’s proud of the show watching that (really?). Sharon says she’d pick him as a rock singer. What? Rock? She also advises him to wear tighter trousers. Well, maybe that would make his notes less flat. The Hoff

8. Grandma Lee
I love this lady, I bet she’s a hoot to have as a grandma. But she’s just NOT that good at stand-up comedy. She comes out tonight on a bier with a pregnant belly and acts like it’s Piers. She makes a Ryan-Seacrest-is-gay joke that’s kinda funny. I do like her “mom can’t feed herself, let’s put her in the home” joke, that actually makes me laugh out loud. I don’t like her smoking jokes or her boobie jokes.  She goes back to Piers jokes, but then calls Simon Cowell her new baby-daddy. Eh. She’s a great old lady, and it’s awesome she had the balls to do this but… she’s not going to place in the Top 5.

Sharon loved the Ryan Seacrest joke. The Hoff says she’s funnier every time. I don’t know. I think her funniest bit was when she said, “You were there” to Sharon all off-the-cuff. Piers calls her a shameless little hussy, which is hilarious.

9. Kevin Skinner
I’m VERY surprised Skinner isn’t in the last spot. Tonight he sings, “Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing,” which is a song that makes me want to barf. It’s too schmaltzy and then Steven Tyler starts shrieking like he’s getting his prostate examined by Captain Hook. However, I still prefer that to Kevin Skinner tonight. Y’all
… this is BAD. Bum notes left and right. I don’t care about his I’m-a-poor-chicken-farmer-from-Kentucky story. I have heard better singing at local bar karaoke nights. That was TERRIBLE. Pitiful. SO BAD. DO NOT VOTE FOR HIM.

The Hoff talks about the porch again and imitates Kevin Skinner again and I want to punch him in the throat. Piers says “wasn’t perfect, missed the odd note, flat in some places” but then makes that sound like it’s good. Oh gag me, Piers. I wouldn’t pay a nickel to see this guy perform. Sharon says, “So what? You don’t have the best voice in this contest.” OH MY GOD, that’s the POINT.  He’s not GOOD ENOUGH and even the judges are saying it and they’re STILL trying to get him to win. That is disgusting. This is a TALENT contest, it’s right there in the title. I checked. It says “talent.” I cannot believe the judges were admitting how bad it was and still pimping him. Simon Cowell would NEVER do that.

10. Recycled Percussion
Tonight they do “Wipeout” with electric guitars and crazy lights and it’s very good. I’ve slowly come around on these guys. Isn’t it interesting they do this song the night Patrick Swayze dies because all it ever makes me think of is Baby dancing up the stairs. This is a great act, very Vegas. Is there WATER pouring down on them? Sexy.

Piers says brilliant, Sharon loved it and The Hoff goes all writhing-on-the-floor-for-a-cheeseburger crazy and screams about showering. Rein it in a little, David.

After seeing the performances, I amend my Top Five to be (in order from 5th to 1st) Hairo Torres, Lawrence Beaman, Barbara Padilla, Fab Five and Recycled Percussion. Seriously, I think Fab Five or Recycled Percussion should win.

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."