Welcome back to America’s Got Talent with elimination/performance night. I’m not entirely sure how this is going to work, but I’m excited nonetheless. I hope my favorite acts from last night stick around, but I didn’t cast any votes so I guess I can’t be too mad if they are sent home. As long as Ronny B, Britney Spears and the DC Cowboys are all eliminated, I’ll be reasonably okay with any combo of five out of the remaining eight acts.

We recap last night because 2 hours is juuuust a little too much time to fill with only 10 acts. The judges are introduced and Piers has that I-smell-something-rotten look on his face. At least Sharon and The Hoff interact with the crowd. Now we find out which 5 acts will make it through. 4 of them are from the voting public and 1 spot is decided by the judges. Innnteresting. We then watch a montage of last night. Oh, get ON with it! I don’t need more footage of creepy Ricky Martin dancing or blubbering singers.

Jerry has Extreme Dance FX and Ronny B step forward. Well, obviously EDFX is safe. The next pair is Shimshi and Jessica Price. Oh man. I bet Shimshi is done, which is too bad. And Girl With the Sad Eyes, don’t be discouraged because you’re safe. Next pair is The Cadence and DC Cowboys. It better be The Cadence that is safe. And then they are, yay! Now we get Neal E. Boyd, Opera Singer and Britney. Can we send them both home? But Neal E. Boyd, Opera Singer is safe. Finally we have The James Gang and Elite. Damn, I like both of these acts, that stinks. The judges get to vote. I think either of them could replace either Neal or Jessica. Booo. Piers votes for The James Gang, saying they haven’t seen the best of them yet. Sharon votes for The James Gang too. Aww, we couldn’t even make it a 2-1 vote? Harsh, judges. At least that makes me believe it’s not staged, because they would’ve left it up to The Hoff if it was. Man, I’d really like to see Sad Eyes replaced with Elite. Bummer.

Tonight our acts are Beyond Belief Dance Company (hook dressers), Paul Salos (Sinatra), Kazual (boy band), The ZOOperstars, The Wright Kids (children’s trio), Jonthan Arends (trombonist), Daniel the Soldier, Slippery Kittens (ewww, slutty moms), George the Giant, and Queen Emily. My early picks for the 5 to make it through are Beyond Belief, Kazual, ZOOperstars, Daniel the Soldier and Queen Emily. So far I’m 3 for 5. Let’s see if I can do better tonight.

Beyond Belief is up first. This is one of the better dance groups, in my opinion. They have a very dramatic stage, lots of bright lights and colors. I don’t recognize the song, so feel free to tell me what it is in the comments. The dancing is good, but honestly? The background is distracting. It makes it hard to see them. They are good enough to go through, but I think they could be sharper and more precise with their moves. Piers thinks it was a rough start, but got better. Yes. Sharon liked it, but says step it up. The Hoff loved it, says they nailed it. I wouldn’t go that far, but they should be safe regardless.

Frank Sinatra is our second act tonight. I’m not sure how I feel about this guy. He’s adorable and he does his own singing but I find this kind of boring. THe background music would have you believe he is fighting a lion in a gladiator arena. Dramatic much? Paul sings "My Way" and it’s not completely on-key. He’s fine but not great and again: boring. The "big ending" falls flat. The judges give him a standing ovation, which I think they are just doing to be nice. Piers says he did it like Frank and has great personality. Sharon calls him a classy guy and says he has it all, perfect pitching and perfect phrasing. Uhh… were we listening to the same performance? Far from perfect. The Hoff echoes their sentiments and I am just baffled about the slobbering over this guy.

Kazual is our resident boy band group. They are brothers and a cousin and have that Boyz II Men thing going on. They sing "Can You Feel It" and immediately get buzzed by Sharon. Honestly, this is pretty rough. They look cute and can dance well, but if they get put through they need to do better. The leads are REALLY weak and there are no background harmonies. I don’t know why they moved away from their slow, acapella stuff. This is bad karaoke. Simon would’ve stopped them already. Piers says when they sing together they are great, but by themselves they aren’t as good. Definitely. Right on, Piers. Sharon concurs that EJ is the only one strong enough to be a lead singer, which is true. The Hoff says he coudl tell they were nervous and that they pulled it together. No, they really didn’t. The Hoff must be on whatever drugs they use on Paula over at Idol.

Up next are The ZOOperstars. YES! I love these chubby blow-ups. This would be a great Las Vegas show for kids. I wonder what the dudes inside the blow-ups look like. They come out on Scooters and dance to "Macho Man." Piers buzzes before they’ve barely taken the stage. They send the duck careening off the stage on a scooter and it’s pretty funny. Then a Crew member gets eaten by a blow-up and I am reminded of Mark getting eaten by the plant in the GWAR video in Empire Records. Overall, I wouldn’t go see them, but kids would love it. Piers doesn’t find them remotely amusing. Sharon thinks it’s great entertainment and that kids would love them. She does wonder if they can sustain 90 minutes, which is true. The Hoff weirdly says the name of the show is America’s Got TALENT (emphasis on "talent") and then says, "Not Britain!" No, you are right Hoff. The name of the show is NOT America’s Got Britain.

Ozzy Osbourne is there. Yippee.

Next tonight are The Wright Kids. I don’t remember seeing this act YET. They sing and play the guitar, the upright bass and the mandolin. They play at the ice cream shop for tips and grilled cheeses. That might be the cutest thing I’ve ever heard. Tonight they are getitng away from their blue grass sound to do a pop song. It turns out the "pop" song is "Daydream Believer," a song which repeats the line "cheer up, Sleepy Jean" approximately 157 times before it ends. Uhh… that was pop when my parents were, like, 10 years old. This is just a little too A Mighty Wind for my taste. It’s cute and stuff, but I’m bored. Piers likes the "little chap" named Levi who plays the upright bass. Seriously, he is the cutest. Piers says not the best singers in the world, but make up for it with great charm and he’s pleased with them. Sharon loves them. The Hoff likes the nostalgia of doing a pop hit from the 1840s.

Jonathan Arends, the dancing trombonist, is up next. This guy is so weird, but also kind of talented. I’m torn on him. He plays a Disco Medley and has some weird marching band back-up dancers. Plus, the trombone doesn’t sound that great tonight. This guy can certainly dance, but this is pretty weak. If he had an ensemble that did this, maybe it could work. By himself, it falls a little flat. Piers says he’s weird, crazy, and incredibly entertaining. I don’t know about "incredibly," but he’s entertaining. Sharon cites the out-of-tune part of the trombone, but she thinks he’s fabulous anyway. Hmm. The Hoff says worst playing, but most entertaining act. He calls Jonathan a "live cartoon." Aww.

Soldier Daniel is on now. I can tell he’ll be safe without even watching him. He’d have to kill a puppy with a hammer not to get voted through. He sings "Every Breath You Take" tonight, my go-to Stalker Song. He goes down a note on "watching YOU" and it makes it even creepier than usual. This song gives me the heebie-jeebies. He sounds pretty good,though. Some off notes and the bridge gets a little rough, he sounds like he can’t get a breath. He’ll be safe though. I see no sign of a puppy or a hammer. Piers says pretty good, but that Vegas demands more. Piers says he has not yet heard a singing voice he thinks should be in Vegas. That’s absolutely true, the singing acts are the the weakest of the bunch. Sharon likes his passion, but noticed the shortness of breath. The Hoff says he took the stage.

The Slippery Kittens are up now. I have to (hork) say that I really (gag) dislike this act because it (throws up in mouth a little) skeeves me out. They aren’t even good dancers, they are just slutty-looking wannabe-Pussycat Dolls who shake their middle-aged boobs around. Blech. The Hoff says before they go on that "burlesque is all about the tease and tonight… I’m ready to be teased." Oh gross. I need a shower. They dance to "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy" tonight, which is one of my very favorite songs. I can’t believe I’m wathcing them spit on it. The dancing is really sub-par. We did harder stuff than this in junior high women’s choir. But then they start to strip, so that makes it all better. Piers buzzes them (YAY PIERS). This is incredibly boring. Get the hook! Piers says when they took their clothes off, he wanted them to put them back on. It may be the tattoos (I agree). Sharon says she can see them in Vegas. Only if they step up their dancing. Really, they aren’t very good.

Now we have George the Giant. Oh goodie. Seriously, how did some of these acts make it through? He tells us his stunt tonight is dangerous and that during rehearsals he lost consciousness. Oooh, spooky. With helicopter soundeffects, he takes the stage all chained up. He starts dramatically telling us about Harry Houdini while his helpers hang up upside by his feet. THen as the "Mexican Hat Dance" plays, a bunch of kids rush the stage and start beating him like a pinata. Then his wife chases the kids off and starts beat him hserself until a bunch of candy spills out. He then escaps from the chains and gets himself down. Big whoop. This guy sucks. Piers and Sharon agree with me. The Hoff says he’s not a million-dollar act. Well, it’s not like this is anything NEW! Why’d you put him through, you ninnies? And why are you surprised by his act NOW?

Last tonight is another large singer. What do you wanna bet the other opera singer dude is last next week? Queen Emily sings "Ain’t No Mountain High Enough" and she looks FABULOUS. Seriously, she has on the greatest dress and looks so pretty. This is the first singing act that I think could carry a Vegas show. Good for you, Emily. She needs to work a litlte on stage presence, but the vocals are great. Piers says she’s a superstar and that they found someone who can beat Neal E. Boyd. (Actually, he says "Michael Phelps," but since that makes ZERO sense, I’m moving on.) Sharon loved it. The Hoff says she’s thrown the competition into complete disarray because she is the front-runner. Awww, good for her.

We get a recap of Beyond Belief not bringing it as hard as they should, Ol’ Blue Eyes’ Less-Talented Uncle being boring, Kazual crapping the bed while doing some Temptations dance moves, The ZOOperstars being weirdly awesome, The Wright Kids reminding me a little of The Shining, Jonathan Arons flubbing the trombone, Daniel the Soldier creeping me out with his song choice, the Sucky Kittens making me want to scrub my eyeballs with steel wool, George the Giant being a Giant Weirdo, and Queen Emily rocking the house.

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."