Last week, Elina was just too old, too stiff, and too European to be America’s Next Top Model. For those taking notes at home, we are now forced to choose between a boxer, an ice-skater, a hunchback, and um, Samantha. Almost makes you long for Saleisha, don’t it.

Sam squeals in excitement at her first call in panel and subsequent photo display in the house. Nobody has the heart to tell her that she had, you know, a 20% chance of being first at this point in the competition. TyraPost! How Euro! “A model who knows how to sell makes the most sense.” Get it? Sense? Cents? It’s….oh, never mind. It’s Tyra. Sam keeps making those obnoxious faces and voices and launching herself against walls, and I wish one of the remaining girls had the balls to shut her up. Analeigh does her weekly rounds propping up all the other girls’ confidence, focusing as always on poor sad Marjorie. The girls meet Paulina, who is at an age where maybe she shouldn’t pull her hair back quite so severely, and practice selling oddities: herring, toilet paper, cell phones. Paulina finds McKey to be posey, Analeigh to be a natural actress but perhaps not a natural model, Marjorie’s emotions to be quite close to the surface, and Sam to be a clown. TyraPost: Your delivery better be on the Mark. Wait, are we advertising Avon’s Mark collection? Wouldn’t Cover Girl have an issue with that? Marjorie is trying to push her self-doubt away, but is doubtful that will work.

The girls arrive at Amsterdam Worldwide, an advertising agency, where they are auditioning for a running shoe commercial. And Mark Vanderloo is going to be modeling with them. Remember when he was married to Esther Canadas? So many lips. They were beautiful. The winner gets a $10,000 shopping spree at G-Star. That is a LOT of jeans. Sam is up first, up on the treadmill (which she pronounces “treadMEAL”, one of my great pet peeves in life). Paulina thinks it went well, but I thought she was clowny and over-the-top. Lovely Analeigh is up next and she really is a natural actress. She isn’t going to win this, but she is going to get quite an acting career out of it. McKey is, honestly, more of a man than Mark Vanderloo, but kind of adorably dorky. Marjorie can’t run convincingly, and her snaggleteeth when she smiles make her look extra-European. Marjorie wins, which is ridiculous, and she shares her prize with Analeigh. TyraPost: something about going Dutch and giving 100%.

Ok, things get weird here. Marjorie calls the guys who drove the boats last week, and invites them over, and they bring food and fine. Marjorie, however, is the only one who avails herself of the wine. Then the party gets “messy”, and Marjorie makes out with one of the guys on a dare. She then takes a bath, fully clothed, while Analeigh tries to protect her from drowning in the tub. Finally Sam and McKey join the chorus of protests and kick the boys out of the house.

Whitney catwalks in slo-mo. But, you know, through alleys and stuff. Not on actual modeling jobs, silly!

The next morning, Marjorie defends her decision to get stupid, and the girls bus out to the Dutch countryside for their shoot. The girls pose in front of windmills in extreme hair and makeup. Analeigh is creative and brilliant; Marjorie is kind of a brat; Sam is confident that she will win the whole competition despite having no discernible modeling ability until her last 5 frames; and McKey has some sort of ability to connect with the camera even though she doesn’t have a whole lot in the way of personality in person. That night, Marjorie drinks alone while the other girls hang out and watch.

Panel! Judges and prizes and Nigel, oh my. McKey is, as usual, dressed like a crazy person, and everyone loves it. McKey’s signature is strength plus femininity (minus, perhaps, femininity.) Marjorie looks lost in her photo, and her film was bad; Tyra thinks that by losing her nerves she’s lost her personality. Sam’s broken down body really works for the judges, but Tyra points out that most of her film was not good. Analeigh is flying through the air, balancing her body on a rake handle, and it’s a truly amazing photo. She gets called first, and please please please wins next week. McKey is called next, which leaves Marjorie and Sam in the bottom two, and you know for some reason they aren’t sending Sam home. Yep, Marjorie gets sent home for finally loosening up and doing what Tyra has been trying to get her to do since week one.

Next week: The Dethroning of Whitney!

Well, I can’t say I’m devastated to see Marjorie go, but I still feel like she has more of a genuine modeling ability than Sam does. Can’t wait for next week, when once again, the girl I like gets sent home, and Sam becomes America’s Next Top Model…

Posted by:Jordan Hudson