Last week, even Fatima’s complete absence from the photo shoot couldn’t get her eliminated from the competition, and poor Stacy-Ann succumbed to the embrace of Posing 101 one time too many. The remaining six girls – including, in an ‘America’s Next Top Model’ first, big ol’ Whitney – are on their way to viva (or, in Whitney’s case, mangia) Italia! Does anybody know how to say "you wanna be on top" in Italian?

The ladies drive through Rome as Dominique marvels at the preservation of all the ancient structures and buildings. Maybe she feels some sort of kinship. Oh, and grazie a Dio the girls have had their roots bleached and their weaves stapled back in, because Anya was having a serious Carrie Bradshaw moment last week (and not in a good way.) Reject the black root, ladies! Anya, unsurprisingly, has never been abroad before, and falls flat on her face as she attempts to disembark the van. Oh, Anya. You’re so my favorite now. Whitney confessionals that she is so grateful just to have made it this far as a plus-sized model. Nooooo! That’s the confessional seal of DOOOOOOM!

OMFG, the Tyra Mail has a picture of Tyra superimposed over the Mona Lisa. She has got to have a sense of humor about herself, right? Right? Bueller? The girls are instructed to "find the flag of Rome and their new home", which they do, and find themselves in a truly gorgeous flat with an indoor pool. Fatima is not feeling well, which is unsurprising after what she went through last week, plus the stress of travel, plus the stress of not having eaten since the late 90s. Dominique, unsurprisingly, is angered by the fact that Fatima is sick. Sweet, incomprehensible Anya tries to bring Fatima some pasta. I’m surprised Fatima doesn’t claw her eyes out.

The next morning, Lauren clomps around the bedroom throwing luggage around and generally waking everyone up. Mona Tyra Mail reveals that they need to be careful how they roll. Anya starts shrieking about being on a river; Whitney speaks for all of us when she says "oh, Anya." The girls arrive at the fashion house of Gai Mattiolo to get a fashion tour of Rome – on Segway scooters! Their tour guide points out some "typical Italian women" who are in no way models who were planted there ahead of time to give the models some pointers on Italian style. Gee, I wonder if the girls will have to demonstrate Italian style later? Nah. They arrive at the Spanish Steps to meet with Gai Mattiolo and impress him with – wait for it – their Italian style!  The girls walk for Gai, and while he is impressed by Fatima’s elegance, he feels that Dominique doesn’t look "fresh." Well, she’s older than you are, Gai! Katarzyna, as always, rocks it, and although Gai has positive comments for everyone, Anya wins another challenge! And a beautiful couture gown.

Mona Tyra says "Facile, Brezza, Bella" and oh! It’s time, once again, to shoot a Cover Girl commercial in a language nobody speaks! Lauren bemoans her general suckiness, and I agree. She’s actually doing that strange depressive self-defeating thing that Marvita did earlier this season. Mister Jay tells the models that they will be shooting a commercial for the Cover Girl Queen Collection, which I had thought was a makeup line for women of color, which – let’s face it – is going to be a challenge for the makeup artist stuck with Anya, n’est-ce pas? (And yes, I know that’s French.)  The script, unsurprisingly, is in Italian, and the director tries to add blocking to the mix, which – walking and speaking English is pushing it for these girls, signore. Anya is a mess, but Katarzyna’s Italian is flawless. Dominique drags the whole thing up all she can, and the director thinks she may be speaking Chinese. Lauren is a hot mess, and looks like Sarah Polley on quaaludes. Fatima’s makeup is horrifying. Horrifying! Her face is sixteen shades darker than her neck, but she did a great job with her accent and delivery. Whitney delivers her Miss America routine from last week.

Panel! Tyty has a new wig! Paulina, Miss Jay, the commercial director, and Captain Notable are our judges, and we’re off. Fatima is, in Tyra’s words, "selling sexual chocolate," which is either a compliment or she’s calling her a whore. Who knows! Whitney reminds me of Nicole Kidman in "To Die For." Everyone agrees it was awful. Except Tyra, who thought it was great. Again, who knows! Anya sucked, Dominique is a man (Miss Jay vamps "I still think she’s a brother") and delivers every word with that drag-eyebrow of hers, and Lauren is not recognizable as a human being. Please, please, put everyone – including Lauren – out of our misery and send her home! Kataryna grows a pair this week and not only finally corrects Tyra’s pronunciation of her name but attempts an "oh no they di-int." Tyra’s reaction to this phonetics lesson is, and I quote, "whatever, darling, go." Lauren and Whitney are our bottom two, but Whitney’s obvious desire to be there puts her on top, and Frankenlauren goes home.

Next week: a 300-themed photo shoot and Tyra as photog!

Well, I know some of you are firmly in the Lauren camp, but I never really got her, so I’m happy to see her go. Ladies? Gus? Tell me I’m wrong…


Posted by:Jordan Hudson