Last week Tyra and her Winged Monkeys selected the 14 lovely ladies (or 13 plus Dominique, whose "lady" status has yet to be ascertained) who would accompany them to New York City for America’s Next Top Model. And I want to be on top, as do you, so let’s climb on board the Crazy Train o’Tyra, shall we?

The ladies descend upon Manhattan like a cloud of extremely gangly locusts. They plop down for drinks and to congratulate each other as Amy of last week reveals that she will now be called "Amis", as Tyra had warned the two Amys that one of them would need a new name. The girls move into their loft. There are – I am not making this up – 8 bunk beds. And one enormous communal bed for the remaining 6 girls to share. This season will now be referred to as "ANTM: Cycle Girl-on-Girl Action", apparently. Just like last year, the loft is alternately plastered with enormous photos of Ms. Banks and equally enormous no-smoking signs. And so 99% of the girls immediately troop outside for a smoke. Atalya points out that this risks incurring the Wrath of Tyra, and Kim in her infinite wisdom says something to the effect of "But I like smoking! So it’s ok!" Fatima continues on her Tour of Alienation, and Les Jays walk in looking either fierce or horrifying (guess which is which!) Anya refers to them as "Mr. and Mrs. Jay", like they’re a married couple. Which they may be, except for that nassssssty rumor swirling around about Miss J. And you know the one I’m talking about.

The Jays take the girls on a tour around New York City that culminates in Times Square. A runway is set up and holy crap, the girls are doing a fricking Badgley Mischka show. Right now. Maybe taking this show back to New York has really upped its cache? They never landed designers like this in LA. This is spectacular. Marvita is nervous and walks staring at her feet. Katarzyna is sex on a stick. Honestly, this girl is already light-years ahead of the rest of the other models. Lauren looks terrible and her walk looks deliberately clompy like Karlie Kloss’. Whitney looks vaguely retro in a sort of Jacklyn Smith sort of way, but really out-walks just about anyone. There’s some drama between Marvita and Fatima, but as I have a feeling this is going to happen at least once a week, I napped through it.

This year’s TyraMails are going to occur as a digital scroll, which…I mean, some of these girls are REALLY struggling here. At least write the words on paper that stands still. The girls go to Elite for an assessment. And with this we meet Paulina Porizkova, who is genuinely one of the most beautiful women alive. (And married to one of the ugliest men alive, which ups her sexy factor by at least a thousand.) Paulina warns them that she is going to be brutal and boy howdy is she ever. I think that last year’s "borderline plus-size" is this year’s "you remind me of a transvestite Robin Wright Penn." I don’t even know what that MEANS but I am so on board with Paulina. Twiggy was too wishy-washy. Paulina tells Marvita that she falls into the same Polish girl category as she herself. Wait, what now? Marvita’s POLISH?

The girls go outside and hail an enormous taxi/limo hybrid. Marvita, Fatima, drama, etc. They disembark for their first photo shoot and HOLY CRAP DERELICTE!!!! The girls will be highlighting the plight of the homeless by posing. With homeless people. Who are wearing high fashion. Wow. Honestly, the models are in homeless drag. This really toes the line of bad taste for me. Especially considering the fact that 1/7 of the models have been homeless in their lives. Dominique really gives great photo. She’s the only girl who clearly practices her angles and her posing in her off-time. Anya pulls out this incredible photo shoot. She’s stealth. She really is. Back at the house, Kim expounds upon her dislike of high fashion, and Fatima wonders if this is the right place for her.

At the judging, Noted Fashion Photographer Nigel Barker is here! Woot! And Tyra reveals the replacement of Twiggy with Paulina. Best shots are revealed, and Lauren’s jolie-laide looks earn her enthusiastic thumbs up. Anya’s face gets lot behind her hair, and Tyra warns her that she is already so good that she’s going to be up for a lot of criticism. Amis is a hot mess. Aimee is so, so hot in pictures and so, so bland in person. There’s a disconnect. Fatima is actually crying in her photo, which works here, but apparently her film was bad. Dominique is so "draglicious", in Miss Jay’s words. Allison is outshone by the homeless girl to her right. No joke. Whitney has "automatic invisible wind machine" according to Paulina, and although this makes no sense, she is spot on. There’s really nothing to say about Katarzyna. Claire rocks this shoot. Atalya falls into the Allison trap of losing to the other girls in the picture. Stacy-Ann only has 5 poses, and none of them good. Little Kimmy admits that she has no interest in fashion and Tyra, Nigel, and Miss Jay genuinely act like she has just hocked a loogie onto them. I mean, you, me and everyone else on the planet knew that Kim was dumb, but come on now. Aimee starts shaking her head frantically in some sort of warning. Tyra asks her if she just wants to go home and Kim says "…yeah." But even though Kim is gone, a girl is still going to be eliminated. So that whole 14-girl thing was just kind of a tease. The judges confer and, once again, y’all are still in the running towards (toward! toward!) becoming America’s Next Top Model except for Atalya, who was just too blandly pretty.


Well, for those of you paying attention, 2 of my inital 3 favorites are already gone. I still feel like Katarzyna and Anya are the two who would genuinely get the most modeling work today, but as we both know that is not at all what this competition is about (Saleisha, girl, I’m talking to you.)

Since we all know that if I were a modeling scout I would have been utterly fired today, my opinion no longer matters! What do you think, you brilliant little mannequins you?

Posted by:Jordan Hudson