Last week on America’s Next Top Model, Clark learned that there is a big difference between fierce and evil, and Marjorie wept. Paulina blamed Europe. The rest of us blamed brain chemistry. Eight girls remain!

Models with food! Samantha is making pancakes and McKey is making salad, so I really don’t know what meal this is. Um, brunch? Sam bemoans her strict parents, while Elina blames her control issues on her mother (who, remember, she hates.) Lauren Brie begins to pack up her stuff, believing that she’s going to be heading home soon. She says that her face has gotten her this far but probably no farther, which is probably the most insightful and intelligent thing a model has ever said on this show, to be honest. She lies out in the sun with Elina and impugns Analeigh’s modeling ability. Boo! Take it back! At least they’re willing to say it to her face.

The girls load onto the bus, and Sheena’s narrating a lot, which worries me about her future. They file into a dressing room and open a TyraMail that consists of – just a picture of Tyra. Then Tyra Herself enters, in her stupid postal uniform, toting a messenger bag around to cover her middle. TyTy reads from a mail about being fierce? And then they’re supposed to change into a black dress and heels? They change into identical dresses and go to observe a, ah, very voluptuous Tyra at a photo shoot. She explains the importance of a signature pose. Oh, please show Caroline Trentini jumping a thousand times! Oh, no, Gisele’s broken Barbie back. Oh, and guess who is smiling with her eyes? No, you’ll never guess. Each girl gets twenty frames and a critique from Tyra. Analeigh struggles with her "rebel skater" pose, and McKey uses her MMA experience to maneuver her neck. Sam has great hands, but she’s just…I don’t know. Ellen Barkin? Lauren Brie goes with "awkward" but she can do that broken doll thing so well: the other girls begin to notice that she has no personality, which is going to be a liability. Sheena tries to not go hoochie and goes with "cultural dance". Does that make any sense? I guess it does to her. Joslyn likes to "pose wide." Fortunately, that doesn’t work for anyone. Tyra points out that Joslyn’s profile is better than her face. Elina needs to exaggerate her shapes. Marjorie goes with "Hunchback of Notre Dame" and really, she crumples better than anyone. Tyra then reveals that the lesson was a challenge, and the winner is…Marjorie! She picks Analeigh to share her reward, which is a piece of diamond jewelry from Rafinity.

TyraMail! "You better bring it or you’re never going to work in this town again." Um, so if you do poorly you’re going home? Isn’t that every week? The girls are trucked to the Orpheum Theatre, where Mr. Jay greets them and tells them that they will be posing with male models, enacting embarrassing moments from the Fiercee Awards. Fiercee? For real? The girls are styled like 1940s starlets. Marjorie struggles with using the restroom in her evening gown, and Samantha can’t read her cue cards (and is terrible in general.) Elina has to cry! Whoo! And she does and lordy lordy I hope it’s pretty, because she is such a great model, and if she gets sent home for finally losing control… Lauren Brie has to trip on the stairs, but she really looks blank. McKey’s hair is Marcelled and she should really wear it like this every day. (She’s the nominee who unexpectedly loses.) Sheena is horrified when someone steps on her gown. I think she looks great, but Jay doesn’t. Joslyn finds another girl in her same gown. Heh. Analeigh looks amaaaazing, but has a difficult role: the nasty interviewer.

Whitney is no longer average. She’s a Cover Girl. She doesn’t have time to worry about how she looks. Um, ok.

The girls stress about panel, and Sheena is getting way too much talk time. Don’t send her home! She’s so fun! At panel, Tyra is wearing a totally bizarre shirtdress with a hood? That she’s wearing up? And puffed sleeves? I….wow. She’s wearing fingerless gloves. I don’t even know how to…ok. McKey is up first and looks lovely, if not a little one-dimensional. Sheena looks amazing, but her eyes are a little too far to one side. Analeigh is way Valley Girl but really adorable. Samantha bores me to tears. Joslyn is too presentational, but it’s a pretty shot of her face. Marjorie can contort like nobody’s business, but her face stays pretty. SARAH PAULSON! She reminds me of Sarah Paulson! Oh thank God. That’s been bothering me forever. Lauren Brie looks really pretty but overly controlled. Even Elina’s real tears don’t "sell" as real emotion. Poor Elina. Marjorie wins again! Samantha is called fourth, which is absurd, because she’s terrible. Lauren Brie and Sheena are the bottom two, which is ridiculous on both counts, both this week and overall. And Lauren Brie – the only girl with true modeling potential in the bunch – is sent home. But she wants us to know that she is both a great person and has a ton of friends! Oy.

Next week: Cover Girl commercial time!

Like the losses of Anya and Katarzyna last year, this is one of those times that makes you wonder exactly what Tyra is looking for in a top model, because modeling ability is clearly not paramount. Am I wrong? Did I see something in Lauren Brie that wasn’t there?

Posted by:Jordan Hudson