antm premiere jumping 'America's Next Top Model' premiere: Cheerio, guvna. Pip pip!Here we are, “America’s Next Top Model” fans! Not only is our favorite ridiculous reality show back, but there are Brits! Cheerio, guvna! Based on the pictures they released pre-show, we think the UK girls have a huge advantage over the US girls.

During intros, here’s what stood out:

  • We love the androgynous girl, Azmarie. She comes across way better in person than she did in her still photo.
  • Sophie says the dictionary is from Oxford, which is where she’s from. We are confident she has a huge vocabulary and mastery of the English language.
  • Annaliese says the US is “not ready for the British invasion. We did it once, we can do it again.” Do you suppose she means the Beatles? Because we whipped your butts in the Revolutionary War, thanks.
  • We meet Laura, the bisexual, who has designs on Azmarie the lesbian.
  • Then there’s Ashley, who is Scottish, and seriously sounds like Brad Pitt’s character in “Snatch,” complete with subtitles and everything. Hilarious.
  • Then Ashley informs the US girls that all the Brits were previously on “Britain’s Next Top Model” and we’re with Laura – that’s kind of BS. It’s really unfair. We’ve watched season after season where it takes the girls awhile to get the hang of modeling and now it’s like they’ve brought in British all-stars. Not cool, Tyra.
  • Ashely also has two kids and says she just wants them to have a stable life. So you’ve chosen the right profession, then.
  • Seymone is the plus-sized girl and she’s super pretty. She looks like Jasmine from “Parenthood.” It’s funny how the plus-sized girls are always so pretty in the face – are there no “interesting” plus-sized girls? Do they have to be super pretty because they’re “fat”? (We are not calling them fat, we are making a point, don’t email me.)

The Fierce Parade

The girls are put into a parade and a pose-off, dressing as high fashion US and British Revolutionary soldiers. Naturally. When Sophie gets to the mic, the only she can think of to say is “tea and scones.” So clearly the dictionary being from your hometown has paid off.

The pose-off stars and Laura is super skanky with her posing, it’s kinda gross. Azmarie has a great walk, plus she’s going to throw down after Jasmia flicks her in the face with her jacket.

Weirdly, there’s a component of trash-talking they make the girls do and Ashley says “Bring it, b******” in her trash-talk, then her opponent Candace says, “Bring it, trick” and Ashley gets all offended – “I have kids at home.” Well, maybe those kids’ mom shouldn’t be calling girls b****** on TV. Also, Candace reminds us more than a little of Bianca from all-stars.

Kyle looks very Katy Perry, it’s almost spooky when she makes certain faces. Then they make the two plus-sized girls face off. Why do they do that? The chubbies can’t keep up with the skinnies? Is that it? *eye roll*

The House

It’s completely insane, like even for a Top Model house. And then the US girls start skinny dipping. It’s like a “Real World” house up in here.

The Photoshoot

It’s a paired shoot, where they are in US/UK pairs. They are representing iconic figures from their respective countries, while bouncing on trampolines with 60 cameras. Oh, this is hilarious. So absurd.

The first pair is Queen Elizabeth I (Catherine) vs. George Washington (Azmarie). Naturally. We hope this show isn’t trying to act like they were ruling their respective countries at the same time. Because we’re pretty sure that by the time GW was fighting at Valley Forge, Liz the first had been dead about 150 years.

Next up, we move to the complete other end of the spectrum with Janet Jackson (Candace) vs. Scary Spice (Annaliese). They dont’ really look like their characters, just kind of skanky.

Now we have Elton John (Alisha) vs. Madonna (Laura) – haha! Now that’s a good rivalry. Everyone seems to be just jumping up in the air with their legs scrunched, it’s fairly boring. Alisha gets criticized by Jay and she totally melts down crying. That’s kinda weird. Suck it up, lady. Also, I’m with Laura – you’ve done this before! Do they not have Jays at your photoshoots in England?

Next up is Margaret Thatcher (Sophie) vs. Michelle Obama (Seymone). They give Sophie a gavel to hold and give Seymone a torch, like the Statue of Liberty torch. Oh lordy. And Seymone keeps flaling off the trampoline.

Andy Warhol (Kyle) vs. Amy Winehouse (Louise) – wow. That’s bold, since she probably hadn’t been dead terribly long when they filmed this. And these two are really boring in their shoot.

Now there’s Pocahontas (Mariah) vs. John Lennon (Jasmia). Huh. This is the weirdest photoshoot, also – the Native American is Pocahontas? That’s a little too on the nose. Mariah seems to do well, but Jasmia seems awkward.

And finally,  Jackie O (Eboni) vs. Princess Diana (Ashley). Except they have Jackie Kennedy in a leopard-print dress under a pink jacket. Um, what? Margaret Thatcher had a gavel and a bad wig, but Jackie O is completely out-of-character. She looks like a high-class hooker, not the first lady of Camelot. And Ashley kinda sucks. She has no idea what to do.

Judges Panel

Kelly Cutrone is a new judge, and Kelly Osbourne is the guest judge this week. Up first are Eboni and Ashley, whose picture is kind of ridiculous. Eboni looks nothing like what she’s supposed to be, while Ashley is just super awkward.

Laura/Alisha are split. Laura looks awesome. Alisha looks very boring. Catherine/Azmarie look awesome. They look like they’re going to throw down, especially Catherine. Mariah/Jasmia are OK. Not the worst, but not the best. Cutrone says the pair doesn’t go together as Lennon/Pocahontas and she’s totally right, but that’s not their fault. That’s the stupid photoshoot’s fault.

Kyle/Louise are also split – Kyle looks cool, Louise looks terrible. Candace/Annaliese  as Janet/Scary Spic are super boring. If I didn’t know, I would have no idea who they were supposed to be. Seymone/Sophie as Obama/Thatcher are great – you know, in the context of this uber-stupid photoshoot they had to do.

So who is going home? If it were us, we’d send any of Alisha, Louise, Ashley, Eboni, Candace or Annaliese home. There really is just so much bad to choose from. We bet Seymone or Kyle gets best picture.

The judges hilariously criticize Mariah for not bringing more to the table as a Native American, which just makes them sound stupid. They put her in the Hollywood version of a Pocahontas dress and wanted her to bring her Reservation Angst to the shoot. *eye roll*

Elimination Station

The photos are handed out to: Seymone, Kyle, Sophie, Laura, Catherine, Candace, Mariah, Azmarie, Eboni, Louise, Alisha, Annaliese, so it’s down to Jasmia and Ashley. We hope Jasmia goes home, we like Ashley and her brand of crazy.

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."