All star season! Yes, people, it’s real. Tyra claims that she went through the sixteen (SIXTEEN! We’re all so old.) previous cycles and brought back our favorites, which is NOT TRUE because there’s no Leftover Lady Jade, nor Brandy, who was fond of making jokes to make herself laugh. Nor Shandi, who had seeeeeexxxxxx. Nor Amanda, who conceived her child exactly ten years from this past Sunday and is probably blind by now. Nor Toccara, who knew she’d walk away with this **** and so didn’t even bother showing up.
Anyway, what we do have is 14 has-beens who are back in the running and vying for a $100,000 Cover Girl contract, a national campaign for Express, a spread in Vogue Italia, and a guest correspondent gig with Extra. Also, they get to work with Mario Lopez. I KNOW! And Miss LaToya herself. And Kathy Griffin! Okay, I’m legit excited about that. And Tyra promises to be extra insufferable, yay.
So, our all-stars are:
Angelea from Cycle 14, who is still ghetto and still cain’t go back to buffalo.
Hick Laura from Cycle 13, who is adorable and always drunk. Still!
Bianca from Cycle 9, who beat the **** out of that girl from Hairspray when she tried to claim a seat in an airport that was already reserved for Bianca’s luggage. She’s with Ford, and also looks amazing. I’m sure Tracy Turnblad deserved it.
Lisa from Cycle 5, who was 400 years old back then, and so now is 406. You could put the ghost of Rue McClanahan in her stead and nobody would know the difference. And yes, she’s the one who peed in a diaper.
Bre from Cycle 5, who wants you to STEP AWAY FROM HER GRANOLA BARS. Just so you know, she and Bianca are BFFs, or maybe BFFrenemies.
Brittany from Cycle 4, who is 70 (336 years younger than Lisa!) and was a big drunkerstein, and maybe has had plastic surgery.
Dominique from Cycle 10, who we all thought was maybe a man. She isn’t, and has the baby to prove it.
Sheena from Cycle 11, who is still awesome and also still looks like a ho. The fake **** will do that, always.
Isis from Cycle 11, who has had her gender reassignment surgery and so now will not be afraid that her penis will fly out in the hot tub.
Kayla from Cycle 15, who used to have bright red hair and is famously a big lez.
Allison from Cycle 12, who has the giant eyes and loves blood and is doing art things and is the greatest!
Camille from Cycle 2, who looks surprisingly good for being 407 years old. Rest assured that her signature walk is still in tact.
Shannon from Cycle 1 — Cycle 1! — who is probably still a virgin, even though she’s married. She looks amazing, too.
****ing Alexandria from Cycle 16, who proves that Tyra is a sadist. I can’t believe I have to look at her stupid face AGAIN.
So, after that everything is pretty much the famewhore-iest, which is the official theme of this season. Jay visits and tells the ladies that they’re going to have their very first photo shoot straightaway in their backyard, in which they’ll portray larger than life versions of their already outsized ANTM personas. Bianca gets into character by being a total stankface as soon as the hair people clip in red extensions. I didn’t catch her persona, so I just assume it’s “Stinkity Stank Stank Stunk.” Please don’t read that as an insult, though, I still think she’s the greatest and should win. If Allison doesn’t. I mean, look at her. Speaking of Allison, she’s a quirky kewpie doll, while Bre is ghetto fab, Dominique is manly, Camille is a diva, and Kayla is the gayest. Brittany is a party girl, and looks more like J. Dick than ever. I actually think they should have let La Dickinson compete as an all-star. She would eat the **** out of Bre’s granola bars, and also make everyone cry. As for the rest of the girls, Laura is a country cutie, Alexandria is a tough California girl, Isis is “confidence” (not, in fact, a persona!), Sheena is Harlem but not hoochie, Angelea is from the hood, and Lisa is a wild child.