michelle graham bachelor pad 'Bachelor Pad': Erica is a creepy harasser, Michelle and Graham awesomely game the systemHey, “Bachelor Pad” fans. Sorry about how late this is, I was driving home from getting married when it aired and it’s been a busy week! But never fear, here we are for the penultimate episode.


Everybody goes inside as Chris Harrison tells them to pair up because starting tomorrow they compete, win and get voted off as a couple. He also advises to get to know their partner. Blake is immediately smirking at Holly, but she promised Michael – which she should also be happy about because for a “know your partner” competition, Holly would fare better with Michael than Blake.

And haha, Blake as the cheese stands alone has to pair up with Erica and she throatily says, “I feel like we should get to know each other.” Heh. Erica is like if Melissa ate Kathleen Turner.

The couples who aren’t actual couples in life are busy scrambling to get to know each other. I really feel like Holly/Michael can’t be touched in this one. They were together two years. Vienna preens that she and Kasey are the only “real couple” there, which may be true now, but I still bet they can’t beat Michael/Holly.

The Nearlywed Game

The comp is just questions. If they match, they get a point. Most points wins. Easy peasy. Also, Kasey and Vienna keep saying “long time,” which is bizarre. They’ve been together like six months! I had a high school relationship longer than that.

The guys go inside first and the girls record their answer, predicting how the partners will answer, then they switch. First question – how many dates needed before making whoopie? Kirk and Ella match on 5. Kasey/Vienna say 7 and 22 – um, what? Erica/Blake match on 3. Graham/Michelle match on 7. Michael/Holly don’t match on 3 and 14.

Second – if your partner were an animal, what animal? Holly/Michael match polar bear. Erica/Blake match flying squirrel. Nobody else matches. Third question is what do exes miss most? Ella/Kirk match attitude, Graham/Michelle match humor (as Erica hilariously says Michelle does not have a good sense of humor), nobody else matches

At this point, Vienna is ready to stab Kasey. Also, why on earth would Vienna’s exes miss her teeth? And frankly, boobs, for that matter. Wouldn’t an ex miss something non-body-part? Have some self-respect.

Now we get a montage of Vasey missing everything. It’s hilarious. What makes it even better than if they were just losing to Holly/Michael, which would be understandable, is that they are losing to people who are strangers to each other. This is the most delicious thing I have ever watched.

When they get to the question about who the girls would sleep with “one other person in the house,” Holly is on the spot but she’s honest and says Blake. Blake sits there – SMIRKING again. Ooh, I just want to slap that smile right off his face. Be a person, Blake. Just sit there quietly and try not to look like a jerk.

Michael answers himself, which is dumb. I took the question to mean other than the partner, because of the word “other” in the question. Can Michael just not admit it? Michael talking-heads that he wants to punch Blake in his “perfect ridiculous dentist teeth.” Heh. Aw, Michael.

The question about least-favorite person in the house, every guy answers Blake and every girl gets it right. Blake says it’s like “rubbing salt in the wound.” What wound would that be, Blake? How have you been wronged here? Also, Erica got pelted with paint as the girl everyone found least attractive, so cry me a freakin’ river.

Now there is a montage of Graham/Michelle answering almost all their questions correctly, even stuff that they could not possibly know about each other. Clearly, they came up with some kind of system.

The virginity question reveals Blake at 16, Kasey at 21, Graham at … 7? Which reveals their “system,” which is brilliant. Every numerical answer is 7. Every non-gender-specific person answer is Michael. Every female answer is Holly. It’s so brilliant and I’m ashamed to admit I probably would not have thought of that. Tip of the hat to them. They got handed a competition they couldn’t possibly “study” enough for, so they gamed the system. Brilliant. I hope they win the whole show, just for this. Though it is amazing Blake/Erica are tied with them without having a system.

Michelle blows it on a non-gender-specific question where she says Holly (um, did her brain just fly out of her head? What was that? Your system is EASY, Michelle!). So they are tied going into the final question.

Secret crush is the final question. Erica/Blake miss it and Graham/Michelle get it right and win the game. That’s impressive, by both couples and for very different reasons.

Graham/Michelle’s Date

They get a private screening off “What’s Your Number?”, which actually looks kind of funny, but booo to “Bachelor Pad” for taking a page out of “Big Brother’s” book with the cross-promotional reward. At least they haven’t gone as far as “Survivor,” with their “Gulliver’s Travels” and  “Craftsman Tools” challenges.

The helicopter arrives and everybody acts so surprised/excited, like that isn’t the go-to mode of transport on these shows. I would’ve been way more impressed if it was like an old-man-powered rickshaw or … a pogo ball. I demand pogo balls!

The Graham/Michelle date is nice and boring, in a good way. Drama-free. They watch the movie from a hot tub while drinking champagne, which is cool. Yay them.

Vasey Meltdown

But meanwhile, back at the Manse, Kasey and Vienna are having a meltdown. Or rather, Vienna is melting down and Kasey is trying to stop her before she can really get going. Vienna maintains that Kasey ripped a ring off her finger because she wouldn’t have sex with him. Um, what? And then he has a fit about her coming downstairs and cuddling with her. It’s dysfunction and passive-aggression at its finest. And then it appears that they have sex anyway. Sigh.

Blake and Erica’s Date

Erica is mad at Blake for flirting with Holly and not getting to know her (Erica) and also that he’s not even making an effort to get on people’s good sides and stay in the house. Also, her nightie or her shirt? Is really showing her massive bra underneath. And I’m not one to throw stones, I’m a busty girl too. But if you have a massive kinda fuggo buff-colored bra on, don’t let half of it hang out your arm hole. Yuck.

The next morning, Erica is definitely plotting to try to hook-up with Blake, while Holly practically pees on his leg by walking through the kitchen in a bikini as he sits there with Erica waiting to leave. Ughhhh. Michael, guess what? Holly isn’t good enough for you and she and Blake can have each other (which, apparently, they already do because apparently they are engaged. Gross.)

Erica and Blake arrive at the Mission Inn and poor deluded Erica thinks Blake is “warming up” to her. It definitely helps her case when she starts talking about communicating with the spirits and her astrologer like a total loon.

As they toast with champagne, Erica keeps rubbing Blake’s leg and talking about how right her astrologer was about the show. I don’t like Blake, but I’m starting to fear for his safety. Keep an eye on your drink, Blake.

Later they get two roses, which they can use to save one couple but not themselves.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion Michael is making an effort on Holly while Blake is gone. She wishes he’d said all these things months ago, but it took until there was another guy in the picture. I get what Holly is saying, it’s like too little, too
late. Plus, Michael is way too good for her after how she’s been acting on the show.
Back in Date Rape land, Erica is coming on so strongly to Blake that I am uncomfortable watching at home. “Do whatever we want,” “relieve tension.” Ugh. Stop. Just stop. You seem so sad and desperate, girl. She wants him to “trust” her that they should stay away from the house so that people think he’s not still with Holly. It’s a little scary. Then she finally just says, “I want to spend the night together tonight. We just need to bond together as partners.” She then brings up her lingerie and something about his “pillow lips.” RUN, BLAKE! RUN AWAY!

It is NOT OK that she is being like this. If a guy were doing this, everybody would be having a fit. Later, she talking-heads straight up that she wants Blake to have sex with her. Like just lays it out there. She is terrifying. She then says that he should basically have sex with her because he’s her partner and she is asking him to.

Um, she should be LOCKED UP. This is gross. Blake rightly points out that if the roles were reversed, this would be inappropriate. And yes, just because you are a woman does not give you carte blanche to be a creepy harasser. Erica totally misses the point of him saying how would she feel if he told the guys he brought a whole box of condoms along by saying, “I wish he had” in that I-have-four-brain-cells-Valley-Girl manner in which she speaks.

And in typical mean girl fashion, once he rejects her she slams his reputation and acts like she’s awesome and then she whips out her astrology crazy talk.

The Next Day

Erica tells all the girls that Blake didn’t want to spend the night, so she “had to respect that.” Um, please point out to all of us at which point you respected that? Because I don’t equate “stopping short of rape” with “respect.”

But crazypants and the dentist still have to decide who gets the safety roses. She tells him she’s ready to get past their difference of opinion as to whether they were going to sleep together. That’s big of you, Erica.

They take the roses to Kirk/Ella first, who are down. Ooh, target Kasey and Vienna! But then Kasey and Vienna walk in and Erica says they should tell Kasey and Vienna! Ella looks as gobsmacked as I feel. No, no, no! They cannot know! You give the roses to Ella/Kirk, Graham/Michelle have theirs already and you all six vote out Vasey! Why does everybody suck and not do what I say? It’s so annoying.

Kasey immediately says give us the roses, you’re safe. Give them to anyone else, you’re getting stabbed in the back. Ughhhhh. Do not trust them!

So Blake and Erica decide to give the roses to Kasey and Vienna. Are you effing kidding me. Ella just cries. I like her and Kirk, I hope they rally up the others to get Blake and Erica out just to stick it to them. They should have never trusted Vasey over Kella.

Vienna celebrates in what might be the grossest talking-head I’ve ever seen and then they suck face in the pool. Is it wrong to hope those two get hit by a bus? (I’m just kidding, don’t email, I don’t want to see them get hit by a bus. Much.)

Kasey talking-heads that maybe they don’t want to keep Blake/Erica here even after the roses and I hope that happens. Blake and Erica made a huge mistake and they should be punished for it.

Rose Ceremony

Tonight the woman of each couple will be casting the vote for which couple they want to see go home. Vienna is worried about Ella’s story winning her the money. She kind of equates it with her deadbeat mom being behind on her rent, which is SO not the same as your mom being murdered. Not that I totally see how that correlates to Ella getting the money, since she really only wants it for her son, but Vienna just comes across as really rude and disgusting. Must be Monday.

So Erica/Blake and Vienna/Kasey vote for Kirk/Ella. Meanwhile, Blake and Holly snuggle by the fire and Michael sees them kissing. Poor Michael. He starts working on Graham/Michelle to vote Blake/Erica out. They seem on board, though I don’t like Graham invoking “the man code.” Can we please let that phrase die?

So Ella/Kirk and Graham/Michelle say they are voting out Blake/Erica, which leaves Michael/Holly left. Holly obviously doesn’t want to vote for them, but Michael can’t believe she won’t have his back. Ella also assures Holly that Blake will understand. Which yeah – if he’s the guy for you, he won’t care.

The Vote

It obviously comes down to Ella/Kirk and Blake/Erica and then – Blake and Erica go home! Nice. Holly slips him a note on the way out that says this isn’t the end for them. Barf. Michael, you can do so much better, dude.

Next week: Finale!

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."