In an interview with host Chris Harrison, he teased that they had to come up with a different word to describe this year’s “Bachelor Pad” finale – “disturbing,” as opposed to “dramatic.” So needless to say, we’re chomping at the bit to find out what goes down.
The panel of evicted contestants are introduced — what in the heck is Jamie wearing? She’s like if H&M was putting out a line of Native American princess chic. And also, Erica Rose’s hair looks 1000x better than it did on the show. Blondes rarely look good with that platinum, trashy color. That nice honey color is so much better.
After a pointless video recap, we learn that Kalon/Lindzi are still going strong, so that’s cool. Of course Erica must stick her giant $0.02 in, telling Lindzi to be careful and that she sees Kalon around town with different girls all the time.
The Hot Seat
We start the silly Hot Seat segments with Stagliano, who admits that he came on “Bachelor Pad” to have a good time because last summer sucked for him. He calls his relationship with Rachel a “summer camp” relationship and that is a very good characterization of how a relationship from BP should be. Unfortunately, Rachel saw it as much more serious than that.
For some reason, we have to get Jaclyn’s input — remember, the girl who had a conniption fit last week when Rachel booted her butt out of the house? The one who thinks friendship is about taking your friend to the end of a stupid reality game show and not not getting mad when your friend doesn’t choose to take you to the end of a stupid reality game show.
Jaclyn’s turn on the Hot Seat. First there’s video footage of Jaclyn’s drunken sorority “I love you” declarations to Rachel — seriously, how old is she? Then her Hot Seat is basically blah blah betrayed blah blah best friend blah blah I’m a ridiculous mess who needs therapy.
What is so astounding (though it shouldn’t be) is that in the wake of the video montage, Jaclyn says the footage is hard to watch — but not because of how she behaved or what she said about Rachel, but because of what Rachel did to her. Yes, that’s what is wrong with that footage.
“Anyone that puts themselves in my shoes knows a best friend doing that to you, essentially taking away their best friend’s chance at winning $250,000, is unforgivable,” is what she actually says. Can’t make this stuff up, people. She just has no idea how to be a friend, how to be a grown up, or how to have any self-awareness, self-respect or sense of shame.
Blakeley’s turn on the Hot Seat. It devolves into a how-fake-is-Jamie discussion and Jaclyn insists she’s the realest person ever and oh my god, nobody cares. Finally the meat of the interview is that Blakeley is still together with Tony and while that’s a really random coupling in the “Bachelor” world, it’s adorable and we honestly hope these two crazy kids have found something real. They announce that they are moving in together, so obviously she’s been to Portland to meet his son and whatnot.
But wait! Oooh, they get engaged and it’s all very sweet — a recap here. Even Chris Harrison looked surprised, that might have been something only Tony knew about, honestly, with the moving-in-together announcement as the clever ruse. Blakeley definitely looked surprised.
The Winners Join in the Fun
The final two couples come out and Chris has his patented smug smirky-smirk on his face. Oooh, he really makes me want to smack him sometimes. And of course, before we can get to anything about the game, we have to listen to Rachel’s sob story about her romance with Michael.
She’s confused and hurt and convinced he was so into her. Uh, you can be “into” someone and it still doesn’t mean you’re going to walk down the aisle or something. It’s hard to feel much sympathy for her, because her meltdown in the wake of Stagliano leaving was kind of pathetic and made her look a little crazy.
The twist is that Stagliano is dating someone new and she lives in Chicago, which is an issue because it’s long distance and he cited not wanting long distance to Rachel. So, he was trying to find other reasons instead of just tell you that he’s not in love with you. Grow up, lady.
Sorry, Stagliano isn’t a prince or anything, but it’s friggin’ “Bachelor Pad.” Give me a break.
We move on to the other finalists and Chris at least is kind of remorseful about hurting feelings and acting the way he did and says that his family was pretty embarrassed of his behavior. So at least there’s that.
The Q&A Portion
It’s time for the eliminees to ask questions of the final two couples. Jaclyn has to start because in her head the big narrative is how awful everything is for her and what a terrible person Rachel is. Those two deserve each other as BFFs because they’re both insane.
It moves to Chris and he apologizes to Blakeley and Jamie and he seems sincere, though there is also the fact that he needs their votes to win the money. They really aren’t buying it.
Oh, and Nick’s there.
Honestly, this is such a stupid vote because Rachel and Nick totally don’t deserve to win, they did like nothing in the game, while Sarah and Chris were total gamers, but Chris is such a tool and Sarah isn’t much better. How do you even choose? Nobody deserves the money.
Stagliano, Jamie, Ed, Blakeley, Reid, Lindzi, Donna, Tony and Jaclyn vote for Nick and Rachel, so they are in the finals. We see Kalon, Dave and Erica Rose vote for CHris and Sarah. And then the most dysfunctional BFFs ever, Jaclyn and Rachel, hug like they’ve never had a problem with each other. *headsmack*
The Final Showdown
OK, Rachel and everyone else needs to stop calling her a “widow.” That’s gross, stop it. Anyway, time for them to vote — it’s Keep or Share. They both Keep, the panel wins. They both Share, they split it. One goes one way, the other the other way, the person who picked Keep wins it all.
In the end, Rachel picks Share and Nick gives a big speech about how nobody thought he would win anything and how they think he doesn’t deserve the money and how he did this all on his own, and then he picks … KEEP. Bwahahahah! That is awesome! That is AWESOME.
Rachel totally deserved that. Nick for President.
And of course, Rachel the unstable crazy person has a total meltdown at this turn of events, which is so laughable. If someone did that to me, I would find that absolutely hilarious, in that Evil Dr. Will kind of way. It’s a totally awesome move and you gotta respect it. Also, Nick didn’t owe you anything, lady. You were a terrible partner for him, everything he said was true.
Harrison opens up the floor to the panel and Jaclyn pipes up that Nick doesn’t “deserve” it and Rachel does, while then Kalon says none of the
m know what the word “deserve” means and that Nick played a great game.
Nick says he didn’t set out to “hurt” Rachel, but that’s also another misuse of a word. This is not personal. This isn’t the “friendship” game. Gimme a break. Also, Jaclyn needs to shut her piehole.
Harrison polls the audience and they’re pumped — because they are normal people who recognize what a hot mess Rachel is.
After Harrison wraps the show up, Rachel follows Nick backstage and keeps reaming him out and melting down. Seriously, way to make yourself look like a bunny boiler on national TV, Rachel.
She keeps talking about how they talked about it and agreed to share and she could’ve done that, but she didn’t. Um, that’s called getting played. You got played, Rachel, by two different guys and that sucks, but let’s take a minute to examine everything and pull your life together.
What do you think, “Bachelor Pad” fans?