kissing contest bachelor pad blake holly 'Bachelor Pad': Melissa loses it, the Kissing Contest returnsSorry there was no recap last week, I was sick for a couple days and the recapping for several shows did not get done. I did watch “Bachelor Pad” from last week and I just have to say – Kasey, please do not act like you went against Jake for “America.” Like you aren’t a totally disgusting person too.

And as an aside – sorry for the length of this recap. There is just too much stuff from Melissa, I couldn’t stop. It’s like the one time I pinch-hit recapped “Rock of Love Bus” – I wrote like a dissertation-length recap because there was so much to make fun of. Anyway.

Jake Kicks Rocks

We pick up with Jake’s departure, where he encourages everybody to step up and get rid of the power couples if they want to win. He also says to Vienna, “My heart, forgiven.” Kasey snots, “It just shows who the bigger man is.” Um, yeah – in this situation, it’s Jake. You act like a snotty teenager. And stop saying “kick rocks.” It makes me want to throw rocks at you.

The Kissing Contest

Yes! Love it. Kasey and Graham immediately say they are not participating, Vienna calls it “disgusting.” Michelle says she’s out too. Seriously, people. I understand Kasey/Vienna. If you’re attached, especially with your significant other in the house, then I get it. But Vienna doesn’t have to get on her high horse about it being disgusting. And we certainly don’t need to hear from Michelle Money about her six-year-old daughter.

Um, lady? The HMS Setting-A-Good-Example sailed during Brad’s “Bachelor” season.

Conversely, Ella says that while she’s not uber-excited, nothing will stop her from winning the money for her son. One could argue that making out for money is just as bad an example to set, but at least she’s honest and not a hypocrite.

But then – it looks like Graham is participating. And so is Kasey. Um, what happened to your self-righteousness, guys? Also, Blake says he can’t wait to give Holly a tonsillectomy, which might be the grossest thing ever said on a “Bachelor” franchise show and that is saying something. Also, a tonsillectomy removes your tonsils. Rein it in a little, Hanniblake Lector.

Holly is the first girl and of course the guys are weirded out by Michael being there. And he kisses her and grins like an idiot, it’s adorable. And all the guys kiss her “like grandmas.” Until Blake, who totally sucks face with her in front of Michael – because he’s an a**hole. A giant one.

This leads into a montage of Blake tongue-kissing every girl in the house so that he’ll win. He is so skeevy. When Vienna comes out, she freaks and everybody just pecks her on the side of the mouth. When Blake walks up, Kasey talking-heads that he better not try anything because Kasey “shoots to kill.”  With your finger-guns?

It turns out Michelle really did choose not to participate. Huh.

Girls’ turn. Ella and Erica are in it to win it, totally sucking face with each guy. But it turns out Erica is a bit sloppy for anybody’s taste. Hilariously, Kasey has terrible breath! Ahahaha. Vienna hides her eyes, because she’s a 3-year-old. You chose to participate, lady.

Holly and Michael’s kiss is nice and he grins again. They are so cute, Blake needs to go away. But then it’s Blake’s turn and Holly makes out with him hardcore. Ugh, she is making me mad. Stop toying with your ex-fiance, hooch! Also, Crazy Melissa is trying to set you on fire with her eyes, Holly.

Chris Harrison announces that the results were not even close – Ella and Blake won with an overwhelming number of the votes. Blake smarms that his landslide win means a couple girls thought he was a better kisser than their boyfriends. Um, no it doesn’t, math major. There are 6 girls left, so both Vienna and Holly could’ve voted for their men and you would’ve still won with an “overwhelming” number (4 to 1 to 1). He did win 5 to 1, but that’s not the point. Blake sucks, is the point.

Ella’s Date

Their prize is a one-on-one date. Ella picks Kirk and they head out in a flashy red mustang, then they get to have dinner in a beautiful mansion, which looks like where Ashley and J.P. had their stay-at-home date after Bentley left. Anyway, Ella and Kirk seem to have fun together, just talking. There’s no overt sparkage, but it’s nice. They talk about what they want to do with the money. Ella tells Kirk about how her stepfather shot her mother in front of her and her little sister and how she wants to use the money to start an organization for battered women. Kirk talking-heads that he needs the money as much as anybody there, but now he wants to fight for Ella. Aww. Love you, Kirk. Even with your dad’s Basement of Taxidermy. Kirk of course gets a rose from Ella. They then get to ride in a hot air balloon and there is some smooching as the music swells. Good for them.

Meanwhile, back at the Manse…

Melunatic is so excited at the prospect of her date with Blake. Oh, little does crazypants know that he will never take her because even though it’s bad for his game, Blake is completely ruled by Lil’ Blake. Blake talking-heads about his hard choice and bad situation, while I just laugh and laugh. It’s your own fault, dude. Did you not see Melissa on her “Bachelor” season? *cuckoo sounds*

And in the bedroom, Erica takes Blake off to give him a massage, saying that he’s the smartest guy in the house. Hmm. Erica tells him she was just waiting to get him away from “that crazy girl.” This really seems like a frying pan-fire situation for Blake, which I’m not sympathetic to because remember – Blake sucks.

Melissa’s Meltdown

The card finally arrives and before Blake can choose, Erica continues in a talking-head her thinly-veiled promises of having sex with Blake in order to get a rose. I would say that she’ll be so embarrassed when she sees this, but I don’t actually think that’s even a little bit true.

So Blake opens the card and then gives a stupid speech about “thinking outside the box” and being “nonlinear” and “shaking things up” and it’s like – dude, you are not on a corporate retreat. Everybody can smell what you are shoveling.

And with that he chooses Holly, who hasn’t even really been paying attention. She looks surprised, Michael looks a little sad/resigned, Erica looks pissed and then Melissa goes, “That’s f***** up” right out loud. HA!

Melissa THEN demands in front of everyone that he explain himself because he made her “800 promises” today and apparently there was a pinky swear involved, which – *sigh.*

Blake stammers and then Melissa runs off with Michelle, as Holly thanks him for inviting her on the date. Melissa cries and cries, and incorrectly uses “throwing me under the bus,” which is such a reality show thing to do.

Michelle says anyone with a heart would be reacting the same way Melissa is and Blake took advantage of her and messed with her emotionally. Um, no. Sorry. You’re on a trashy reality show. You didn’t sleep with him. You kissed him, which is not a binding contract. Stop crying like your husband just slept with your best friend.

Now – if Melissa were just mad about the game play aspect, because they’re partners? Fine. But this is crazypants I-thought-kissing-meant-we-were-betrothed stuff. To prove my point, Melissa calls Holly a “slutty-a** b****.” Michelle rightly points out that Holly really has very little to do with this. I have my own beef with Holly toying with Michael’s emotions, but I don’t think Holly owes Melissa diddly.

Blake goes to talk to Melissa and she calls him a “sociopath” and that he’s ruined
his reputation. Um, hello kettle? This is Melissa. You’re black. Also, the reputation comment just cements how stuck-in-junior-high Melunatic is. Where will his reputation be ruined? Bachelor High School? I think Blake sucks too, but I don’t actually care that much in real life.

Melunatic then talking-heads that he lied to her, he went back on his pinky swear, something about doing her nails and that she’s been carrying him in the game. Yes, because clearly Melissa, you are a power player in this game.

She then starts rallying everybody to vote him out and tries to get Michael to team up with her. Don’t do it, Michael! RUN! RUN AWAY FROM CRAZY MELISSA! She trashes Holly to Michael and he obviously kind of balks at that, even if he isn’t happy with her going on the date with Blake.

Melissa angrily stirs her yogurt while she slams Blake to some of the girls. She is seriously deranged as she stalks around trying to get people to call Blake out. Um, nobody cares that he smooched you and then realized you’re bats*** insane. They probably all sleep with one eye open with you in the house.

Melunatic’s next tactic is to try to get Holly to say no to going on the date, but it turns into her attacking Holly’s flirting with the boys. Melissa then talking-heads to production about how he should be disqualified for being a (I think she says) s***. Um, if production did that? There would be no “Bachelor” franchise shows.

THEN Melissa goes to talk to Blake and he’s brushing his teeth with an electric toothbrush and in a genius bit of editing, she just stands there looking mad while he finishes brushing his teeth – and it lasts for like a minute, then fades to commercial. It’s a giant metaphor for their entire relationship. Give these editors an Emmy.

Talk about someone who no guy will never touch ever again (if they ever did in the first place). I have run out of words strong enough to describe Melissa’s crazy. “Bachelor Pad” struck gold with this girl, I hope they don’t vote her out. I hope they keep her around until she finally snaps and while casually walking by Holly like, punches her in the throat or something.

Blake’s Date

The next morning, Blake and Holly take off in a plane for a skiing date. I am totally coveting her knee-high black boots, but thumbs down on the skiing date. I skied once. I mastered the bunny slope, then took on the next-easiest run, which compared to the bunny slope is like the Olympics. I tried one more time on that run, took a wrong turn because I had no control over my body and bumped my way down the moguls. Lodge bunny for this girl!

Anyway, so Holly stinks at skiing and wipes out many, many times. But she keeps laughing about it, which is lovely. She has a great personality, I can see why Michael is still hung up. Blake is smitten, naturally, but c’mon, Holly – NO. He’s gross, please stop this flirtation and go back to your wonderful fiance.

Back in the Land of Longing Looks – Michael stares out into the sunset and talks about how devastated he’ll be if she falls for Blake and laments he didn’t tell her he still loves her before she left on the date. It’s kinda funny how he’s sitting shirtless by the fire, but I still love him. Team Michael!

After skiing, Holly and Blake drink wine by a fire and he finally broaches the Michael subject. She says the more time she spends with Michael, the more it has changed for her. She also says Michael told her he misses her a lot. But she gets the rose and then Blake offers for them to spend the night there and she says she doesn’t want to go back to the house that night.

At a quarter ’til two in the morning, Michael is pretty upset that they aren’t back yet. I totally agree. Even if she is moving on with Blake, she doesn’t have to rub your face in it. That’s pretty cruel.

Back on the date, Blake tells Holly he needs to reevaluate her kissing from the contest, which is such a gross line. But she makes out with him anyway, as the guitar strains of naughty cheating like we’re back on a 1994 episode of “90210” kick up.

The Morning After

Sad Michael is sad. Stupid Melissa goes, “Are you upset at all?” and then she talks about how Blake charms women and THEN she goes, “If he got her even a little bit drunk…,” like he might rape her or something.

Oh my god, crazy lady! Shut up! What is your childhood trauma?!

Blake and Holly come home and Holly talking-heads she feels guilty about kissing Blake,  but it was a great date. Meanwhile, Michael talking-heads that he’s realized how he wants to love her for the rest of his life. Aww, man. Geez.

They talk alone and he says he doesn’t want to be without her again and he missed her so much and he cries and tells her she’s irreplaceable and he’s falling back in love with her and he’s sorry he left her, but he was afraid and he’s not afraid anymore. Hmm. It’s really nice. But I can understand why she’s hesitant.

She tells him she kissed Blake and Michael’s pretty upset, but he keeps saying, “How could you do that to me?,” which – she’s not your property, plus, as she points out, you said you didn’t want to get back together yet and you dumped her in the first place, so stop making her feel like a scarlet woman. 

Holly talks to Vienna about it and it’s what you’d expect – she’s hesitant and scared to trust him again because he broke her heart, which might not be fixable.

Oh the drama! I can’t take this, y’all. I want those two crazy kids to work it out!

Rose Ceremony Night

Ella, Kirk and Michael are targeting Vasey. Ella claims she has Melissa and Erica on her side, as Erica talks to Vasey about her vote. She’s definitely a wild card. Kasey then works on Kirk and Ella, trying to get them to vote for Will. Kasey’s play? “Just know the money is necessary for my grandma to live.” Oh. My. God. Is she being held hostage? Everybody needs money, dude. Let’s not be so dramatic.

But Kasey starts talking to people around the house, as Will just kind of sits idly by. Yeah, that’s not going to get it done, William.

Meanwhile, Michael takes Holly on a picnic and says that he wants to knock Blake’s teeth in, but she points out that he had three months to talk to her, but now that there’s another guy, he’s changing his tune. He tells her he’s falling back in love with her, which is hard to say when she’s not saying it back. Don’t guilt her, dude. You broke up with her. She is under no obligation to say it back until she’s ready. They smooch, as Holly talking-heads about how conflicted she is.

In game play, William, Graham and Kirk talk about how Melissa might need to go because she’s so crazy. Wouldn’t it be funny if Melissa and Kasey got voted out? Vienna would lose her mind.

Melissa starts to get wind of her possible eviction and starts demanding people tell her things, in her not-at-all-abrasive-creepy-and-intense manner. Seriously, girl. You need help. Please seek help outside this game.

Her meltdown continues, crying and running around and begging for people to vote for Erica. Michael comments that she’s “so unaware of the game.” “She’s so unaware of life,” I think is what he meant.

As she stalks up to Kasey and some other guys, Graham mutters, “Oh god, tell this girl to get away from me.” Heh. Kasey lies to her that he’s voting for Erica out of fear that she will “cut his nuts off.” Smart move.

Rose Ceremony

The roses go to Ella, Blake, Holly, Kirk (already had), Graham, Michelle, Michael, Vienna, Kasey and Erica. So Will and Melissa are out. Will is no loss, he was barely even there. But I’m really going to miss Melunatic.

Michelle cries a lot over Will’s departure, which is weird – when did those two get so close? Hmm. I mean, it’s fine. I’m just saying – that should’ve been on camera maybe.

As Melissa leaves, Blake manages not to do a dance of joy
. In the limo, Melissa cries and cries, like she just got voted out of her family or something. Which – maybe she’s flashing back to that ’cause that would not shock me.

Next week: The Nearlywed Game! And more Blake-Holly grossness. Punch him, Michael. DO IT!

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."