“Bachelor Pad” is back, y’all. It’s like the trashy “Big Brother,” which is saying something, you know? We’re pumped. Also, it’s great how the previews are edited to make it look as though someone gets murdered with a knife. If only.
Also, the super fan twist is great, especially if these people are actual fans and not just pretty people cast on the show. And the contestants need to check their snottiness at the door, because you wouldn’t HAVE a “Bachelor Pad” to go be trashy on if it weren’t for super fans, so let’s not pretend like your stuff don’t stink, ya know?
- Reid is apparently still mad at Ed for swooping in and taking Jillian Harris? Um, wasn’t that like a thousand years ago in reality show time?
- Blakeley says she’s remembered as the “girl that not everyone liked.” Um, no, sweetie. That was Courtney. Also, Blakeley’s “All I do is wax p****.” made me spit out my drink, no joke. Awesome.
- Jaclyn has the audacity to snot that “Blakeley waxes p****, I have a college education.” Well, at least Blakeley doesn’t look like a man in drag, lady.
- Paige is one of the super fans and she seems very sweet, in that you’re-going-to-get-eaten-alive kind of way.
- Another super fan is Chris, a SWAT officer who apparently likes the “Bachelor” shows. No judgment here. This is a safe space, Chris.
- Donna is a super fan who misuses the word “literally,” which is a problem that has cropped up with women in the last few years and drives us absolutely bonkers. When did that start? In the BP drinking game, you could “drink” every time Donna does that, but you’d probably die from alcohol poisoning.
- There are twins named Brittany and Erica, who are … kind of butterfaces. But it still takes the show about five seconds to perpetuate the idea that twins want to sex guys up together, like it’s not at all inappropriate to be sexually involved with your sister.
The Meet ‘n Greet
- While Chris expresses interest in Lindzi, she meets him and then talking-heads that she’s dying … to know who else is coming. *snerk*
- Ed has on a fugly mauve jacket with white pants. Way to look like a gigolo from 1992.
- Two guys and some girl walk in I don’t even recognize – Sarah and Ryan and some other dude. Wow, really reaching for Season 3, show. Also, Ryan is a 32-year-old virgin who doesn’t drink. RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, dude.
- Reid gets there and Ed recaps what happened between them and Jillian, while Reid looks ready to stab Ed, so maybe that’s the knife footage from the previews. Fingers crossed.
- As Blakeley arrives, Jaclyn cracks that she’s like 82 years old. Again, says the drag queen who is super proud of her Bachelor’s degree.
- Tony, the guy who left Emily’s season because he missed his son, is leaving his son again to now be on “Bachelor Pad.” Yep.
- Erica Rose is back. Do you get the feeling she just camps out at the Bachelor Manse waiting to be invited inside for stuff? Like, you keep expecting to see her crash a “Bachelor” season first night meet ‘n greet.
- She’s also nervous about Kalon because she knows him from the “Houston social scene.” When he rolls up, he tosses Harrison his keys with a “Keep it close, bro,” which is hilarious. You’re not going to find a lot of Kalon hate here, folks. I think he’s funny.
- The contestants are weirded out by the prospect of fans. Drag Queen cracks that they’re going to sniff her underwear. Just … the irony that these people from the “Bachelor”/”Bachelorette” shows think they are so much better than the fans of the show is staggering. STAGGERING.
- Paige immediately gets some hackles up, because not only is she cute but you can tell she’s super sweet and the catty girls from the show are ready to pounce on her like hyenas.
- The twins babble that they’ve got an advantage playing as one person. Math is apparently hard for them. And speaking of the twins, if the girls hated Paige, the daggers they shoot at the twins are frightening. It’s shocking you can’t see actual laser beams out of Erica’s eyes.
The First Night
Ed gets drunk pretty quickly and starts stripping down, then jumps in the pool before Chris Harrison even comes in to welcome them. Michael Stagliano doesn’t know what to do with all the craziness — but it’s not exactly “Bachelor Pad” meets Dr. Seuss, as he says. More like “Bachelor Pad” meets a Eugene O’Neill play.
The first assignment is for the guys and girls to pair up for the first competition that is the next day. Erica Rose refuses to partner with any super fans because that’d be like asking “the help” to get in bed with you. She is so gross.
Meanwhile, Blakeley snags Chris as a partner and he can read a room — he knows he has to check and see if the other women are mad about that. It’s also kind of awesome in a “Harold and Maude” kind of way.
And Ed has drowned in the hot tub, apparently. Drag Queen partners with him. Well, that’s a match made in heaven.
The First Competition
The pairs have to wedge themselves into hearts and stay suspended above a pad in “Falling for Love.” You stay up as long as possible, last ones up there win. Each winner gets a rose and is safe, plus they get a date together. The first couple to fall is penalized with one vote against them automatically heading into the first elimination.
When the hearts are tilted forward, Nick and Erica Rose fall out first after five minutes. Heh. She says it’s unfair. Maybe she should’ve asked “the help.” The couples start falling quickly, leaving Brittany/David and Paige/Reid as the final two couples. Erica the twin says she’s channeling her “twinergy” OK, that needs to stop. David and Brittany (plus Erica the twin) end up winning. Ha! Nice.
They go to the boardwalk, ride a roller coaster, go on a carousel. David’s knowledge of past dates is terrifying, though. He needs to stop showing off that bit of geek bravado. And then they go skinny dipping. As one does with your sister and some dude you just met.
Meanwhile, Jamie is making a play for Chris and he wastes no time in shutting off the lights and making with the gettin-over-Emily stuff. Jaclyn tells Blakeley and Blakeley does not take kindly to her teammate hooking up with someone else, which is kind of weird. You’re not paired up for life, lady.
Blakeley has the nerve to say to Jamie that she’s not as sweet as Blakeley thought she was and then Chris jumps in by saying they weren’t doing anything wrong. And they weren’t. And Blakeley needs to not cry about it. “I care enough about him to not disrespect him.” How did he disrespect you? The challenge is over, you’re not partners anymore. Blakeley is so weird.
The Morning After
David is working the girls to vote off Nick and he wants the guys to vote off Erica because they have a vote against them already. David tells Erica he’s voting for her and SWAT Chris thinks that was not a great move on his part (to reveal the super fans are rallying together).
And Erica starts campaigning hard core. Yeah, she was the wrong person to tell. She’s crazypants. It was very stupid on David’s part. Of course, Erica is “livid” that a little “s***” fan is doing this to her. You know, to Queen Erica whose delusions of grandeur are jaw-dropping.
She says calling yourself a fan is “pathetic.” You know what’s also pathetic? Here’s a mirror. We really hope she goes home.
The newbies are scrambling a little because of David’s big mouth. It’s between Nick an
d SWAT Chris on the men’s side, and it’s between Erica Rose and Paige on the women’s side. Why Paige and not Donna we don’t know, but that’s who Erica Rose says is the target.
SWAT Chris starts campaigning hard for himself, asking the women if there’s anything he can do to stay and the girls are completely wishy-washy to him, it’s really sucky.
Reid likes Paige, though, and Kalon is the only chance he has, so Reid goes to work. It’s not that hard because Kalon doesn’t like Erica Rose. Hopefully it works out. Kalon lies to everybody about who he’s voting for, but then we see him vote for Erica. Fingers crossed.
It comes down to SWAT Chris actually, who doesn’t want to go along with David’s plan because it has totally screwed him over, but he doesn’t want to keep Erica because she sucks. Yeah, David is dumb. A newbie alliance should’ve been kept way on the down-low. An now everyone hates David and is gunning for him.
The Rose Ceremony
The bottom 2 obviously come down to Chris/Nick and Paige/Erica. In no surprise, Nick gets a rose and SWAT Chris is out. In a bit of a surprise, Erica gets a rose too. Ughhhhh. She is the worst, and not in a fun-to-recap way. She just sucks. It’s also crappy that David didn’t stick it to Erica Rose and let Paige go home. What a poor sport.
This season: Challenges, mud, a spelling bee, fireworks, kissing, Kalon and Lindzi (?), a proposal? (there’s no way), Chris being gross and Ed vs. Reid smackdown.