bachelorette emily kalon 'Bachelorette: Men Tell All': Kalon and Emily whip the crowd into a 'Jerry Springer' frenzyIt’s time for “The Bachelorette: Men Tell All” reunion special, gang. Can you believe there are two hours of this nonsense? Strap in. And have a glass of wine for me.

Chris Harrison kicks things off by asking the audience who wants to finally see Emily Maynard find love? And then he says the American people do too. Well, yes — does that mean she’ll go away then? There is then a pre-taped chitchat where Emily recaps the season. I shall not be recapping the recap.

The Outtakes

  • They show Emily spilling wine on her gorgeous pink ballgown and then swearing about it, which — those moments would go a long way to making her more human. They really should’ve included that.
  • Turns out the egg thing with Travis was even creepier than we ever knew. Dude.
  • Chris is a terrible dancer, but he does get huge credit for trying. She’s right about that. At least he didn’t just stand there like a self-conscious dude.

The “Bachelor Pad” promo is a lot of fun. Tears and tears and tears from guys and a knife and hugs and tears and tears and Ed and Chris fighting and nudity and desperation and nookie and Blakeley melting down while clutching a rose and a glass of wine, which — it’s surprising that hasn’t happened before on these shows. And lots of fauxmance, plus Chris being gross. Wooo.

The Guys

Sean is getting major screams from the ladies — next Bachelor? And another silly montage, though hilariously, it’s great to see Chris talk about being so mature at 25 … five minutes after we saw him being super gross on the “Bachelor Pad” promo about romancing three women in the house. And then that’s the first topic of discussion after the montage.

And Ryan’s facial hair is … out of control. He’s like if Grizzly Adams was a metrosexual. We move on to Kalon’s shenanigans and none of the guys are having his excuses. Kalon is still a bit of a d-bag, but he is just not the villain that this season’s editors want us to believe.

Kalon’s Hot Seat

We have to re-live Baggage-gate and y’all know how I feel about this – Ricki is baggage and Emily’s lacking a lot of self-awareness if she can’t acknowledge that, plus this whole thing was really weird since we didn’t actually see it happen on camera.

Harrison awesomely calls him out on how he says things that come across as super rude and that I can get behind. He’s rude, the way he says stuff. That’s the stuff I didn’t like — all the other stuff is smoke and mirrors. And he doesn’t admit that he was being rude, which is dumb.

Then we have to discuss the baggage comment and the guys are still acting like he said Ricki should die in a fire or something. She’s baggage. So is her deceased father. We all have baggage, let’s all be adults about it.

Ryan’s Hot Seat

Seriously, is he angling for a gig as the Brawny Paper Towel Man? What is going ON with his hair and beard? Sure, his ‘do and goatee on the show was bad, but this is not an improvement.

His hot seat discussion makes him sound like a motivational speaker. He’s just … so smarmy, so full of himself. It’s not charming like he thinks it is. Please do not let him be the Bachelor, because I don’t think I can take it. ‘Course I’ll be able to drink by then, so that might actually be fun for me and you, readers.

Now, he’s right in saying it’s a two-way street — Emily isn’t the only one picking. The guys have to feel that Emily is right too, but it’s going to take a very special woman to settle down with Ryan.

But the coup de grace is when he goes, “If you’re evaluated on the things that you say 24/7 for six or seven weeks, then you’re bound to say some things that’ll get you caught up.” Um, I feel fairly confident I could be taped for six or seven weeks ’round the clock and not come across as an a-hole.

Harrison reassures us that Ryan is not the next Bachelor. Heh.

Chris’ Hot Seat

Chris has spent most of the special so far glowering pretty hard over there. He really skirts the line of serial killer when he’s giving a staredown, it’s creepy. And he’s still really hung up on Emily (supposedly), which is also hilarious since “Bachelor Pad” is done filming and we saw earlier that he was not shy about hooking up left and right in there.

Sean’s Hot Seat

My husband comments that he’s surprised not to see any panties flying as Sean makes his way forward. Seriously. After his montage, he says he truly did believe she was his wife. Well, hopefully he believed she would BE his wife, and not some kind of weird delusion where he thought they were already married (*whispers* call the white coats!).

Emily’s Turn

The guys are very gentlemenly and nice towards her and she’s full of sunshine and puppies. It’s really rather saccharine and boring, though the rehashing of Doug’s super-awkward smooch is hilarious. That really was sooooo awkward.

Then Kalon apologizes and says he’s happy for her and that he’s trying to grow and she says that was a load of bulls***. There’s also something about a baggage claim picture, who the heck knows? It’s like she took the great response she got from her sassy, “Then get the f*** out” and now she’s gotta ride it and get the audience whipped into a “Jerry Springer” frenzy. That was all just dumb.

She addresses Ryan and says he’s obviously very good-looking, which — disagree. And lay off the tanning bed, dude. And stop winking at her! He’s like a used car salesman.

The Bloopers

Um, Chris Harrison asking her about sleeping with the guys and her answer, then his deadpan “That would be a record” — hilarious. I seriously laughed so hard. Why is that stuff not on the show? It would make everybody so much more likable!

The Finale Preview

These two guys get quite the misty, water-colored romantic edits. And Emily’s assertion that Jeffffff might be literally “too cool” for her makes me want to befriend her and teach her the ways of the world. Because Jefffff is a huge nerd. And nerds are fine. But he is not “too cool” for anybody.

So, who do you think is going to win it all? And do you think Sean has next Bachelor in the bag?

Tag: Um, Emily’s cat video bit was awesome. Why don’t they show these things?! I would like her so much more!

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."