It’s time for “The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All” — except there’s no Craig M., no Justin and no Frank. So it’s pretty boring. But the outtakes are good!
There’s a video montage with Chris and Ali making commentary, but … eh. We were all there. Let’s jump right into the good stuff.
Roberto almost puts Ali’s eye out with a champagne cork. That should’ve been included, that was hysterical. Frank’s dad gives a gibberish toast and the whole family is in on it. That’s great too! Frank’s dad FTW. Kasey and Ali get silly at the planetarium. Roberto and Ali have some wildlife adventures. Chris N. knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men, apparently. (Yes, I realize that’s “The Shadow” and not “The Phantom,” but I stand by my joke.)
Jesse B., Hunter, Kyle, Tyler V., Craig R., John C., Derrick, Jason, Steve, Chris N., Kirk, Jonathan, Kasey and Ty are there. Frank is coming next week (though I’ve heard a rumor that he doesn’t come to the “After the Final Rose” reunion, which has already been taped). Justin “Rated-R” and Craig M. are conspicuously absent.
Chris N’s “The Phantom” t-shirt is awesome and he immediately lays into Justin. There is then a montage that heavily features Craig M. being a giant bully. The fact that he kept teasing Jonathan was bad enough, but you could tell there was something actually messed up going on underneath because of the way he wanted to fight Jesse B. Just to reiterate — I don’t like Craig M. He’s actually the only person on “Bachelor Pad” I am not looking forward to seeing again.
John C. and Tyler V. call Jonathan out about not admitting he ratted Craig out to Ali and a little about the fact he did it at all. I’ll admit, Jonathan is kind of a whiny turd, but Craig M. totally had it coming. He was being a bully and a bully needs to be smacked down. Thank god Jesse stood up to him. I hope Jesse hits him during “Bachelor Pad,” though I am not optimistic.
I like the camaraderie between the men as a whole — they seem much friendlier than the women usually are. I think it’d be fun to be some kind of “Bachelorette” consultant and get to live in the house with the dudes. I bet it’s hysterical. Do you hear that, ABC? Email me!
Frankie Goes to Hollywood
Now we have the Frank montage. The guys are not very pleased with what he did. Craig R. wants to make sure people are not drawing parallels between Frank and Justin (which Ali did as well when we interviewed her last week). The guys are torn about whether Frank dragged it out or copped out. There is definitely a lot of variation in the animosity towards Frank. But really, it’s throwaway segment because Frank will be at the “After the Final Rose” (supposedly).
We get all the insanity wrapped up into a nice little montage — man, when you watch it that way, he looks even more outhouse-rat bonkers. He seems fairly normal when he talks to Chris Harrison, but I dunno … it’s pretty hard to walk that stuff back. Hmmm. Let’s just say I would not be queuing up to date him.
“Hey, Mr. Taxidermy Man, stuff a deer for me”
Poor Kirk. He seems so sweet and I really think his family was the dealbreaker. They were just a liiiiittle different than the other guys’ families and if all other things are mostly equal, I’d lop off the family I didn’t think I fit in with too.
Kirk would make a good next “Bachelor,” he’s adorable and seems nice. He’s Ali’s choice too — discounting the final two, so take that with a grain of salt. Personally, I’m Team Chris. I’m actually kinda rooting for him to lose so that he can be the next “Bachelor.”
The guys pretty much rake Justin over the coals, but it’s nothing new. They don’t like him, he’s a jerk, etc etc. Not saying he doesn’t deserve it, but it’s nothing earth-shattering. Apparently Kirk did hear him calling Jessica once in Iceland at 3 a.m. but at the time he didn’t know what he was doing. Craig R. has some strong words for Justin — “just an a**hole being an a**hole.” Heh.
Kirk’s new lady love
Jessie Sulidis is in the house — if you’ll remember, she’s the one who called Ali with Justin’s girlfriend. Which was weird and random. How did that happen? Luckily, Chris Harrison asks her! Apparently Jessica sent Jessie a message on a social networking site. Jessica contacted Jessie because of the OTHER girlfriend Kimberly. It’s kind of convoluted. And the audience is booing actively, which makes me think suddenly we’re watching “Jerry Springer.” This is silly. We get it — shady dude, big jerk, blahblahblah girlfriendcakes.
And to make this even more “Springer”-esque, Chris Harrison now takes comments from the audience. Lordy. This is ridiculous. Move along.
Hey look, it’s Ali! Remember her?
So Ali is there. With some really big hair. She says a lot of nothing and really skirts the issue of whether she wishes in hindsight she would have taken Kirk to Tahiti instead of Frank. Hmmm. Why not just say yes?
Kasey then jumps up and sings. Oh goodness. He’s a good sport but also? Krazypants. The other guys are cracking up and Ali loves it.
YES! Best part of the night. I will not describe them all because they won’t be funny if I do, but if you didn’t watch the show but have it on the DVR, fast-forward to the 1:35 mark and just watch the outtakes. They are really the only interesting part of the episode.
The Final Two
There are montages of both Roberto and Chris. I will not be recapping them. We were all there.
But what I will recap is the “Bachelor Pad” sneak peek — who else is ridiculously excited about this show? It’s like “Big Brother” except with all these crazypants people we’ve seen on the “Bachelor”/”Bachelorette” shows. That is a recipe for trainwreck and I mean that in a good way.
So in the preview, the clips of all the crying people are just hysterical. The clips of all the hook-ups are outstanding. I just cannot wait for these shenanigans. I feel like my recaps for “Bachelor Pad” might be my best work since my pinch-hit recap of “Rock of Love Bus.”
I’m not sure why all the girls were barfing at one point. That doesn’t look fun. But everything else looks awesome.
“Bachelor Pad” premieres Aug. 8 at 8 p.m. on ABC. Your last “Bachelorette” recap of the season is coming at you next week — who do you think Ali picks?
Photo credit: ABC