Welcome, poseurs and posettes! Although your regular Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency recapper is off doing something awesome, I am here – missing not only the primary returns but photo slideshows of Fashion Week – doing something awesomer. Watching this crazy beeyotch with you!

Last week, Las Vegas, drama, and a budding showmance nipped in the bud. Janice has had it up to her Restylane with these MODELS and their UNFIERCENESS, or something equally eloquent, and has decided to teach them a lesson by taking them to the #2 Fashion City In The Country, Miami. (And I hate to get this off to a bad start but has she ever BEEN to Miami? Are neon thongkinis for men about to be in again? I digress.) Maria flounces in late, is shriekingly dismissed by Janice, and flounces her little booty right out again. She compares herself favorably to Janice, pointing out that she, at least, is sober whilst at work. Point taken, Maria. Point taken.

Maurice leads several models in complaining about Peter Hamm’s business practices. Chris Jones, who is giving excellent Chris Cornell today, joins in the complaining about financial sketchiness. Janice promises her little snowflakes that after the "changes" that will be made at the agency, all models will be paid 48 hours after a job is completed. She admits to the camera that she needs to make a few final decisions before choosing the models to take to Miami to shoot print for Custo Barcelona. Crystal and Chris level their eyelinered gazes upon each other and pout winningly before he drives her to the airport for her Hong Kong gig. Janice meets with her business manager and the heads of Otto Models to discuss a merger. Janice’s face remains impressively impassive as her tear ducts leak with joy.

Janice, shockingly, LOOOOOOOOOOOVES SOUTH BEACH. She also loves speaking in rhyme, apparently. Christian, who I’m fairly certain I went to high school with, is stoked to be here. Janice is stoked to say "Custo Barcelona" in her very best anchorwoman-Spanglish accent. The models go to their preliminary Custo go-sees, about which Traci neglects to tell CC. Janice is forcing Sorin to be her bodyguard in a Speedo and a cropped baby tee. Sorin wants us to know how very heterosexual he is. Later, Janice tells the models to stay sober at a mixer at which they will meet clients. I…honestly wouldn’t trust a sober model at a party. Janice’s bosoms shriek at Dominic for interacting with other models instead of potential clients and drinking the demon liquor. Kehoe, whose very existence proves my theory that somehow all Reno-bred guys are hot, has a sip of wine and is bounced outside along with Chris J.

Janice works the room and gets Dominique a catalog shoot for coutuuuuuuuuuuuure gowns. Alexis, channeling Gemma Ward, gets booked by another agency, but Janice notices that she is still cutting herself. Poor thing. However, she doesn’t seem like she’s too depressed to get all up on Chris J’s jock. So the gang decides to go to what appears to be…a house party? I don’t know. CC interrupts the scene to start a catfight with Traci about the Custo go-see.

The next morning, Janice brings her little ducklings to Casa Casuarina to pay tribute to her fallen friend Gianni Versace. To whom she was a muse! I don’t remember that! But ok! Janice then takes the models to a restaurant called Santo, at which everything on the menu is 300 calories or less. Heh. Actually, Janice keeps a much closer eye on her models’ weight than, say, Tyra does on hers, and her gang truly looks more editorial – more modelly – as a result. The gang gets salsa lessons, and Chris J attempts to capitalize on his straight-male-model schtick with Alexis, since Crystal is currently winging her way to the far east. He even goes so far as to call his thing with Alexis a "romance". (You. Total. Prostitute.) Janice lets loose the pretties at Mansion, for which you know she has an ulterior motive. An Ed Hardy marketing rep appears and reveals that they will be doing a lingerie runway show downstairs – NEXT!

But what say you, mannequins of mine? Isn’t Chris kind of a slut? Did Janice actually ever work with Versace? Can you not wait until Crystal watches this episode from Hong Kong? (Me neither!)

Posted by:Jordan Hudson