Happy summer, everyone! I’m excited to be back and recapping our favorite summer guilty pleasure. I would love to start off my first recap of the season by making fun of Julie’s outfit, but alas it is disarmingly normal. Come on, Chenbot! Bring on the crazy! Picking apart your attire is one of the most joyous parts of my week.
Since Julie has disappointed us, let’s meet the contestants instead, shall we?
Andrew – Miami Beach, FL
Andrew is a podiatrist and a practicing Orthodox Jew who keeps kosher. Is slop kosher? He has to pack his own pots and silverware in order to follow his dietary restrictions. How long until someone accidentally uses his pan to make bacon? Hopefully he’s locking those things up tight. Part of Andrew’s strategy is to keep his MD status a secret so people don’t vote him off for being “rich.”
Britney – Huntington, AR
Britney is your typical pretty Southern blond reality show contestant. She is 22 and recently engaged. And…that’s all I have to say about Britney so far.
Hayden – Tempe, AZ
Hayden is a competitive hot jock with Bieber hair. Oh, and he goes to ASU. Once you see him, that fact is not very surprising.
Rachel – Las Vegas, NV
Rachel is a chemist by day and also some sort of sexy pool attendant on the side. When she said “chemist” was she talking about sexual chemistry? Because her stint with the beaker was not very persuasive. Prediciton: 48 hours until she blames her hotness for why the other girls in the house hate her.
Kathy – Texarkana, AR
Kathy is a deputy sheriff. She’s also a fantastic looking 40 years old and has a 22-year-old son. Hot moms for the win!
Monet – Glen Carbon, IL
Monet gets two sound bites: the snobby one and the fashionista snobby one. Poor Monet.
Matt – Elgin, IL
Matt is a member of Mensa and has a self-proclaimed IQ in the “top 2%” of all things in the universe. He’s also a musician. He annoys me, but he’s a newlywed so I shall send him virtual congrats.
Annie – Tampa, FL
Annie is a bisexual from Tampa (although she claims Chicago as her hometown to her fellow houseguests). She’s not planning on confessing her sexual preferences to the rest of the house because she’s worried it will hurt her game. She’s hot. I’m sure both the men and women would approve, but it’s her game to play.
Lane – Decatur, TX
Lane is a Southern boy and a salesman for an oil company. I’m sure the oil connection is fun to fess up to in today’s political climate.
Enzo – Bayonne, NJ
Enzo is our resident Jersey Shore dude. Come on, you all knew it was coming.
Brendon – Riverside, CA
Brendon is a swim coach. He looks good in a bathing suit, so it appears he’s chosen the appropriate profession.
Kristen – Philadelphia, PA
Kristen’s entire opening package takes place on a bar and behind a bar, so I am sure she’s our bartender for the season. (There’s always a bartender.) Then she later revels she’s a shoe store manager/model. What’s up with that, “Big Brother” producers?
Ragan – West Hollywood, CA
Ragan is a gay professor of communication studies, and claims his strategy is to be a lying, cheating, backstabbing houseguest. I love the out and proud liars the most.
Now that we’ve met the players, let’s discuss this year’s “big twist.” Julie reveals to the houseguests that one person in the house isn’t there to win at all — they are there to sabotage the efforts of the other players. The Saboteur’s goal? Make it to the halfway point of the game. If they can stay in the house five weeks, they get $50,000. If they’re evicted before that, they walk away with nothing. Let’s face it: the Saboteur is basically just America’s Player except less awesome because they have no opportunity to win the game. Still, the knowledge that someone is there simply to mess with them will be fun to watch play out in the diary room. Let the paranoia begin…now.
Starting next week the Saboteur will get some of his or her ideas from America, but in the meantime Big Brother is playing spoiler for them. First shenanigan? Cutting the power. I’m on board, because people bumping into things in the dark is funny, y’all. During the blackout, Brendon goes to brush his teeth (?) but Andrew just wants to play dark pranks. Andrew obviously went to summer camp. While the houseguests were literally in the dark, the Saboteur took the opportunity to padlock the food in the storage room. All the contestants have to eat now? Slop. Naturally, everyone is suspicious of Andrew and Brendon because they got up during the power outage. Unless someone has the ability to astrally project themselves, I’m thinking production locked the door, myself. If either Brendon or Andrew were the culprits it would be far too obvious.
Head of Household
For the first competition, the entire backyard is set up like a giant barbecue grill, complete with giant hot dogs, ketchup, mustard and grill smoke. Because what would a “Big Brother” competition be without a cheesy theme? There is an odd number of houseguests, so one person must sit out. Andrew volunteers, and therefore automatically draws everyone’s suspicion that he’s the Saboteur. He also earns safety for the first nomination ceremony. Take that, haters!
The game is your typical “Big Brother” convoluted mess, with the houseguests divided into two teams tasked with holding onto giant hot dogs to make their way across a huge fake grill playing field. The goal? To get all of your team members to the other side. There is some strategy involved within the team as well, however, because the players on the winning team get decreasing amounts of money according to the order they finish the task. First person? Gets $10k. Last? Gets HoH. The Red team (Kristen, Monet, Britney, Matt, Lane and Hayden) obviously have a better handle on the game from the beginning, kicking the poor Yellow Team’s (Ragan, Enzo, Rachel, Annie, Kathy, Brendon) butts all up and down the grill.
The resounding sentiment of the game? The competition is tough because the wieners are slippery. Oh, the sentences you write as a “Big Brother” recapper. After multiple tries to make it across, Britney hurts her knee. While the medics look over Britney’s knee, Matt and Hayden work out a deal to give Hayden the HoH and Hayden promises not to nominate Matt. You go Matt, using that Mensa brain already. Britney can’t continue, so the Yellow Team chooses Kristen to cross again in Britney’s place. Kristen manages to race across quickly and the Red Team almost immediately wins. Good picking, Yellow Team! The result: Hayden is HoH, and Monet walks away with $10,000. She immediately realizes her error because of the target this puts on her back. Just don’t win a car, Monet! They always go home!
That’s it for the premiere. What do you guys think of the twist? And who do you think is the
- “Holy cow. How does a gay person pack in an hour?” – Ragan
- “Britney is a beautiful girl. I’m kind of drawn to her. I want to put her in my pocket and save her for later.” – Annie
- “Someone that really stuck out to me was Andrew because he’s Jewish and so he wears a Yom Kippur, I believe that’s what it’s called.” – Rachel
- “The minute Ragan opened his mouth I knew we would be best friends, because he is obviously a flaming homosexual and those are my people.” – Britney
- “We were like ‘what is Big Brother going to make us do?’ because I definitely wanted to jump on those big wieners.” – Rachel
- “I lost my dignity on a slippery wiener.” – Britney (The wiener jokes, they just keep on comin’!)