The summer is coming to a close, and so is Big Brother. There are only 2 people left in the house and we’ve seen a lot of backstabbing, emotional breakdowns, hate speech and verbal abuse, and if that’s not entertainment, I don’t know what is. We start as we always start: with our previouslys, where we see a bit of the water torture competition between Daniele, Zach and Dick, the puzzle tank competition between Dick and Daniele and the final quiz competition between Dick and Zach. The final outcome of the 3 part competition was Dick becoming the final HoH and evicting Zach before declaring that he and Daniele have won the entire thing. Essentially negating the need to watch the final episodes.
Picking up after Zach left the house, we watch Dick and Daniele engage in some self congratulations before Dick confessionals that he won because of his relationship with Daniele, the daughter he didn’t speak to for a few years. He continues that he feels their stay in the Big Brother house has provided the first steps towards trying to fix their relationship. I suppose a couple hundred thousand dollars will fix a lot of things. He announces to Daniele that they are the best team to ever play the game and she agrees before she confessionals that while there were days it was hard, it was all worth it in the end.
They sit down to a dinner of sushi and champagne, which sounds like a dreadful combination to me even though I like both elements of the meal. Just not together. As they sit and pick at their food, Daniele predictably proclaims that she has had the hardest time of everyone in the house emotionally, and we go to a flashback of the first day when it was revealed that her estranged father would be sharing the house with her. It is now that I realize this entire show will be a retrospective of the entire season, leaving me to recap things I have already recapped. Which makes me want to do my best impression of Amber and start crying and praying for God to give me the endurance to do better in this personal trial. And perhaps He can help me win the lotto.
Meanwhile, we’ve gone from watching Daniele cry about her dad being present to a montage of their various arguments, which is a truly delightful trip to dysfunction junction accompanied by the soothing soundtrack of Daniele’s constant whining. It is amazing to listen to her take a 1 syllable word, such as "me" and turn it into a 6 syllable word, such as "what about mmMMMMeeEEEE?!" It’s a true talent and a wonder to behold. If my ears hadn’t started bleeding, I would have marveled at it for a few moments longer, but it was not meant to be.
Dick tells her that he thinks the jury house sees them as one person, but asks who she thinks will vote for whom. He says he thinks she will win and she argues that she thinks he will, but when he counters that she will win because he attacked so many people, she has nothing left to say. Which is great, because it lets us launch into our next montage, consisting of Dick attacking Jen for only talking about herself and announcing that he will do whatever he can to make her miserable, him waking Dustin by clanging a pot cover over his head, making fun of Amber by calling her an ugly disaster on two legs and promising on the life of her daughter to make her life miserable, calling Eric a liar and mocking Jameka’s faith in God. Which is our next segue, allowing us a new montage of Jameka praying for strength and Amber crying, praying and asking forgiveness for being a drug addict. But then we switch back to Dick being verbally abusive, meaning that we just had a montage about praying in the middle of a montage about Dick being a jerk, and my head starts to hurt. We finish off the ‘Dick is Evil’ montage with the confrontation between him and Jameka about the magic ping pong ball, her Christianity and her calling him ignorant because he doesn’t read the Bible. The grand finale is him calling her a hypocrite, to which she responds sagely "your mama." How true. Wait, what?
Daniele wistfully talks about not wanting to leave the little room, allowing the next montage to begin. It’s her and Nick in the corner and the long and drawn out ordeal of him trying to give her the key to his heart. Or his luggage. Whichever. We close it out with them kissing in bed together, a scene I am sure her boyfriend appreciates seeing again. But this romance montage bleeds into another, this one starring Jessica and Eric. Dick tells Daniele it will never work between them because Eric won’t leave New York to live in Kansas with her, and she won’t leave Kansas at all. We see Eric camera talking the pros to moving to Kansas, which consist of Jessica being there and everything being cheaper. Then he admits that the cons to moving to Kansas are everything else. Ah, L’Amour. They discuss the logistics of him moving to Kansas and he asks how they will split the holidays. She tells him there will be no splitting, because she is always with her families on the holidays. He asks if he can go back to New York for Thanksgiving and she tells him no, he’ll love Kansas and he can spend the holidays with her and her family. She also tells him that he can get a job at the radio station with her ex-boyfriend. Oh yes, this is a romance to survive the ages.
But we’ve apparently run out of smooth transitions, as we watch Dick and Daniele talk about Jen and are treated to her emotional breakdown over the bone jarringly hideous picture of her on the Big Brother wall. And by bone jarringly hideous I mean, what the hell is your problem your narcissistic freak? And, speaking of freaks, we slide right into a review of Dick and Jen, with him berating her, dumping ice tea over her head, her crushing his cartons of cigarettes and finally, the hand burning incident in which they both act completely bat shit insane. It’s a charming trip down memory lane, if memory lane was riddled with discarded hypodermic needles, puddles of urine and roving packs of rapid dogs.
Moving on, Dick and Daniele reminisce about Amber and how she cried more than every other HG in all 8 seasons combined. So, of course, we see a soaking wet selection of Amber’s greatest hits, complete with sniveling, sniffling, whimpering and weeping. But surely there was more the Amber than just the amazingly endless supply of saline her tear ducts could produce. She was also completely delusional and figured Big Brother was just the first step in her illustrious modeling career, not to mention her own brand of lunacy when she came down on Eric for mentioning to Dick that he had info about Amber that would change everyone’s opinion of her. Of course, CBS again fails to address how much she contempt she holds for those of the Jewish faith while still managing to think rather highly of herself as one of the "good people." But we know better.
Daniele grins and mentions that through all the strife and hardships, they also managed to have some really good times. I have to think that this entire conversation between her and her father is being directed by the producers in order to allow them to show all these clips. And, here they come, the montage of the really good times. Which consist of Zach streaking, the beer pong games, Jen and Eric wrestling, everyone being coated in butter and diving headfirst into giant bowls of pasta. And suddenly my own summer doesn’t look so bad.
They discuss the mysteries of the house, such as the mustard on Jen’s shirt. Dick thinks it was Nick or Eric and Daniele mentions that she thinks it was Eric but hopes it was Nick, before they move on to the wonky votes. Daniele thinks the votes came from Eric or Dustin and Dick feels certain it was Eric alone. Again, I wonder how everyone will take the reveal of Eric as America’s Player, but alas we will be seeing none of that tonight. Instead we see them talk about what they plan to do with their newfound wealth. They both agree that they want to take a European vacation, but Daniele quickly adds "not together!" Who will she take? Her outside the house boyfriend or her inside the house boyfriend? Decisions, decisions. Dick adds that he wants to go to Scandinavia and Africa and Daniele asks him how he will manage that on just $50,000. Such a clever minx. Only, not.
We finish it off with Dick claiming that Big Brother was an enormous chapter in his life that he wanted to live out for a long long time. Or 7 years. And thus we conclude our retrospective, with the announcer teasing us to tune in Tuesday to see how the HGs react to the America’s Player twist. So, at least they realize it is the only reason anyone will bother tuning in.