, so let’s see how I do on a cancel-proof show. Thanks to Mike and Jessi for letting me fill in tonight and risk both their livelihoods.
Honestly, by now you know you’re going to be spoiled. It’s not an elimination round, but if you don’t wanna know who’s on the chopping block, you best be catching up on what came before.
We begin with the Head of Household competition, where the players must hang upside-down from crossbars (with some support from their arms — this isn’t a crucifixion or anything) while periodically being showered by bird crap. Nice. I’m all about starting with class! Okay, it’s fake droppings, and seems to be more foam than partially digested food products. Our first contestant out is Amber, and if you guessed she cries about it, you get absolutely nothing. Eric, America’s Player, isn’t America’s Bird-Crap Target, and after nine minutes he and his faux-hawk drop.
And really, commenters, is it a true mohawk if there’s hair left on the sides, like Eric’s? If so, I had a true mohawk in college, which makes me more awesome than I already thought I was.
Jameka drops after 10 minutes. But more important: the drama, for a plane flies over the house with a banner professing love for Nick, saying Amber and Eric lied and claiming "LNC is the Nerd Herd." My people! Anyway, Amber cries.
Zach makes some weird statement about being a Jedi, and I flash back to Luke hanging in the Wampa cave. Yeah, I can quote the Star Wars movies from memory, and it’s no surprise I’m single. Zach chooses the "do not" bit of Yoda’s claim, and falls. I’m too busy humming the battle theme of Yavin 4 to care. Call me, ladies!
After 44 minutes, Dick falls, and you can say what you want about his actions on the Intertubes stream (which I have not watched), but he’s my favorite player on the aired episodes. Fifteen minutes later, Jessica falls, which leaves Kail, Jen and Daniele. Dick goes into mocking mode, which worked effectively against him during the Mad Hatter contest, and calls Jen a "weird ego bitch," then mocks Kail as a great example of Christianity, pointing out she’ll "lie, cheat and backstab" to win. He’s not wrong.
Daniele promises not to put Jen up for eviction if the Jeninator falls, and so J-Dawg does. Sucka. Kail tries to bribe Daniele, who instead promises to hang there until she dies. Creepy, but then we could combine the show with Ghost Hunters. Rock! Oh, but Daniele promises to put Jen up instead of Kail, and Kail buys it and lets go. Another sucka! It’s been an hour and 36 minutes.
Daniele shows off her HOH room, and then she kicks everyone out so she and her dad can talk about lying liars and the two who voted to keep Nick. That’s apparently difficult to suss out, considering the disapproving mutters from the other players when Daniele shows off pictures of her real-life boyfriend, when apparently Nick was supposed to be her one and only. Mm-hm. To her credit, Daniele does tear up thinking of Outside Boy, and I reflexively groan, "Stop crying, Amber!"
Dick and Daniele are close to figuring out that Eric is the erratic voter (considering America tells him who to vote). They approach Jessica with their suspicions, and I curl up into a ball because Blondie looks and sounds like a high-school ex-girlfriend. If you’ve seen the show, you’d know I’m not bragging here. For her part, Jessica turns right around and tells Eric the father and daughter are closing in on him. That’ll lead to hilarity, but first Jen comes in and in a bizarre conversation, somehow asks Daniele to nominate her for eviction. As she leaves, Jenner says "Good times," and Daniele snarks "Good Lord."
Now Eric confronts Dick outside, during which the closed-captioner mistypes "breeds suspicion" as "breads suspicion." Yum, sneaky bread. Dick totally goes off on Eric, and I have to say it sounds like a tinfoil hat rant. He’s shouting and spitting but making no sense. Well played, Eric, though with his daughter making the noms … well, points for effort.
Speaking of eviction nominations, it’s time. No points to you for guessing Jen and Kail are put up, Kail because she’s a threat and Jen because she asked. Oh, and because she gets personal when it comes to the game. There is, I’m sad, no indication which houseguest the Supreme Being wants evicted. Probably he’s watching the Cubs instead, divinely guiding them to the World Series. Anyway, Kail cameras that it "takes strength to be a pawn" and I laugh and laugh.