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We clearly couldn’t go into the final run of “Big Love” without one last cryptic promo.

And HBO’s first spot for Season 5 goes so far as to insinuate that Bill’s (Bill Paxton) ascent to state senate might have prompted the Mormon fundamentalist apocalypse. How else can you explain the complete lack of smiles in this 37-second montage?

Let’s take a look at who’s unhappy and see if we can guess why…

  • Alby (Matt Ross), covered in dirt and apparently recreating a scene from Stephen King‘s 1994 “The Stand” miniseries, is still cheesed off about his gay lover’s suicide. This easily makes him TV’s most-scorned character by actor Benjamin Koldyke in 2010. (“How I Met Your Mother’s” Robin is a close second.)
  • Nicki (Chlo� Sevigny) has nothing to complain about now that she’s rocking that entirely un-dowdy bob, but her desire for attention has produced a virulent case of empathy angst. 
  • Knowing she’ll never get another scene half as awesome as slicing off Hollis Green’s arm with a machete, Lois (Grace Zabriskie) is justifiably deep in contemplative pout about her Season 5 storyline.
  • Bill still doesn’t understand what an unforgivable turd he is and that he’s caused all of his family’s problems, so he’s just blaming god now.
  • Margene (Ginnifer Goodwin) realizes that being wife number 3 to Utah’s most loathed public figure is really going to affect her QVC sales.
  • Remembering that she screwed up her umpteenth chance to leave her husband, Barb (Jeanne Tripplehorn) is mad at herself.
  • And the church and the state are just hurt because they found out that Bill doesn’t care about them.

“The end of days is near” — in fact, it starts Sunday, Jan. 16.

Posted by:Mikey O'Connell