bones the bones that werent 'Bones': Hard hearted Hannah, the vamp of Anacostia, DC

“Bones” fans not falling in love with Hannah (Katheryn Winnick) were probably delighted during the series’ first post-World Series outing, “The Bones That Weren’t,” when she almost died.

That certainly didn’t take long. Hannah was shot in the line of journalism duty, during a brief dalliance from covering the White House press room to delve back into investigative journalism. Spoiler alert: she’s OK. But it’s not like they could make a martyr out of her — at least this soon.

This shippy drama was all set to the previously talked-about “street performer” episode, which ended up featuring a lot more of “So You Think You Can Dance” alum Twitch than we expected. (Another thing we hadn’t expected: ballerinas have way bigger ‘tudes than b-boys.)

But let’s not mix our right and left brains. We know how you “Bones” fans hate that so.

For the Squints:

  • How are we supposed to mock the cold open corpse-finders if they don’t even speak? Hmph! Still, skateboard guy, navigating some partly constructed experiential art exhibit — or a tent for the world’s largest urban camp-out — made us laugh when his super-powered skateboard broke through concrete revealing our victim du jour’s skull. No get on your way, hooligan. 
  • Brennan (Emily Deschanel) and Sweets’ toilet exchange about the airborne mist of fecal matter, funny as it may be, doesn’t just make us want to change our tooth brushes. We’ll be buying all new bathroom products within the next 24 hours. Nasty.
  • Finally, we get Mr. Vaziri (Pej Vahdat), the lab assistant who was our favorite long before he was revealed to have a fake Iranian accent and became our super-favorite. (He just wants to fit in!) This about fills out our list of missing assistants, interns and auxiliary squints, so that sniper is gonna have a lot of folks to choose from. 
  • Angela’s (Michaela Conlin) use to the team is often overlooked — and often by us — because she does function so perfectly as the emotional constant of the series. But sometimes we have to stop and marvel at the totally unrealistic looking science she employs in her “art.” We would love a magical laser skeleton maker of our own, though clearly not as much as Cam (Tamara Taylor). Sidebar: Where is Dr. Gyno boyfriend? We’ve been promised a cameo, and we expected it weeks ago. 
  • Don’t be fooled by the fact that the set looks more like a permanent Renaissance Fair. This is the street performer episode, and in addition to giving Brennan the opportunity to drop the term “buskers” (one of the most underrated words in the English language), it gave us that Twitch cameo. Look at him move! And thank god they didn’t give him any dialogue. Oh wait… he’s a suspect and needs to be taken in for questioning — not unlike creepy Shakespeare guy we’ll forget altogether. Turns out he’s not bad at all. [Editor’s note to self: Add “Step Up 3D” to Netflix queue, buy brightly colored sneakers.]

For the shippers:

  • Sorry guys. I could almost feel the collective anguish from Hannah-haters when the episode dropped another tender moment between her and Booth (David Boreanaz) within the first 3 minutes. Honestly, it’s not that bad, and we believe it’s a means to an ends. And we’ve got to admire her journalistic integrity. Ditching the White House to expose corrupt cops in DC’s dodgy Anacostia neighborhood? Bold. Though that would never fly if C.J Cregg was still the Press Secretary.
  • Bad idea. It got her shot. But just in the leg.
  • Hold that celebrating. Dr. Brennan is giving these x-rays a once-over and apparently that tiny, no-big-deal fracture could actually slice Hannah’s artery with one wrong move. (Is this hospital corrupt too?) Hannah acknowledges that Brennan basically saved her life, to which Brennan replies, “Someday, and that day may never come, I’ll call upon you to do a service for me.” Just kidding. She left the room because she didn’t want to have to look at Booth nurse his funny-accented girlfriend back to life with juice boxes.
  • Hannah’s mishap made for a frustrating lack of Booth and Brennan time this episode, but it did give us one gem of a moment when Booth asked his partner to guess which of the tiny-handed suspects was the real murderer. “Guess! Guess! Guess!” Oh Seeley, don’t you have enough juice boxes for all of us?
  • Here’s where things get complicated. In the last scene, Brennan goes to see Hannah at her bedside, and Hannah a bit taken aback that she’s come empty-handed. So she takes her sunglasses. Obnoxious? Yes. Awesome? Yes-er. Hannah has chutzpah, and like our imaginary Jewish grandmother, we like that in a girl. Brennan does too. Buddies!

Brennanism of the week: “Your fluidity makes it appear that you have no bones, and I am an expert on bones, so I find that very impressive.”

As for next week, we get the cougar cruise, where despite her being barely into her ’30s, we’re still pulling for Brennan to get some.

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Photo credit: FOX

Posted by:Mikey O'Connell