Some things are inevitable. Death. Taxes. Hodgins having a conspiracy theory. But the big, long-anticipated “Bones” wedding always felt like an iffy prospect. Eight seasons of delays and missed connections made Brennan and Booth’s marriage like something out of a dream.
Now it’s a reality in “The Woman in White.” And it almost seems like this outcome was inevitable. Neither murder nor gambling nor fiery wrath of God could stop the ceremony.
Find out how it all went down in this recap.
Turn off your cell phones
From the very beginning of “The Woman in White,” the upcoming wedding between Brennan and Booth looks to be in danger. Two key figures — Max and Parker — aren’t in town for the wedding rehearsal. Brennan keeps annoying the priest (played by Emily Deschanel‘s real-life husband, David Hornsby, in an awesome bit of casting).
And then everyone’s cell phone goes off, indicating that a murder victim has been found.
Normal people would hold off on the calls until the quick rehearsal ended. Heck, normal people would have thought to turn off their phones before even entering the church. But these aren’t normal people. These are “Bones” people.
Off to the murder they go!
Murder or mani-pedis?
I have to admit that I’m in agreement with Dr. Brennan here. I’d much rather solve a murder than endure the “pleasurable” ordeal that is beautifying oneself for a wedding. Mani-pedis alone should be counted as torture. And the amount of time those things take? Don’t get me started.
Fortunately, everyone at the Jeffersonian knows that Brennan has these entirely sensible views on things. Thus, while not betting on a specific time at which the wedding will be called off, everyone does their best to shove a robed and curler-ed Brennan out the door.
Arguments that the victim died back in the 1970s and therefore isn’t a priority murder case before the weekend are not heard. Only the presence of every current squintern (most of whom are only pretending to work) allows Brennan the freedom to wear flip flops.
God works in mysterious ways?
Shortly after Booth finds a bag full of cash in Max’s possession, father- and son-in-law-to-be have a heart-to-heart (along with Aldo the bartender/priest) in the wedding church. Max reveals the true source of the cash — years earlier, he had a big night gambling and realized that his winnings were best saved for his daughter’s big day, whenever that was.
Being Max, he then buried a bag full of money.
The former con man’s only regret in all of this is that Brennan’s mother can’t be there for the wedding. Booth suggests lighting a candle for the woman.
This may not have been the best idea. That night, a massive fire breaks out, destroying the church mere hours before the wedding. As anyone who has planned a wedding knows, you don’t just find a new venue.
Also, Parker spills food on his tuxedo. Obviously, the wedding is doomed!!!
Re-writing academic history
Even though the victim died decades earlier, it turns out that her death is in fact still important. Nancy Handelman was a Library of Congress archivist who died after she found an antique letter penned by one Emily Dickinson. The contents of the letter suggest that the famous poet was having sex with a married person.
Since mainstream scholarship has always maintained that Dickinson was a virgin, this would be a major coup for English scholars. It would also destroy the career of one of Handelman’s colleague. Today, this former professor is an old woman in a nursing home. But once upon a time, she was an intellectual killer.
Yet none of this can stop the wedding!
Any normal person would start pushing for a later wedding date after a burned church and stuff. Angela is not normal. Instead, she starts making plans to throw her bestie a wedding at some point in the next few hours. Can she do it? Of course she can!
Sidebar: What is Angela talking about, hating “Field of Dreams”? Does this woman have no soul???
While Hodgins uses priceless exhibits in order to attire himself and the squinterns, Angela gets the “poem” of Brennan and Booth ready to go. A beautiful outdoor setting, the singing talents of Avalon Harmonia (she is Cyndi Lauper, after all) and the pinch-hitting officiating of Aldo (even though he’s not a priest, the Internet makes that a moot point these days) — this is all that is needed.
And the wedding is lovely. As everyone available for the filming of the episode (meaning everyone except Brennan’s brother and the absent-all-season Christine), Max gives away Brennan (but not in a patriarchal way, of course) to Booth.
Sidebar, redux: Brennan has the prettiest wedding dress ever to appear on a TV show. This needs to be said.
An old letter is delivered.
As is often the case on TV shows, Booth and Brennan wrote their own vows. Fortunately for us all, they’re not the sickly sweet “You complete me” nonsense we usually get. Booth rips up his and talks about when they first got to know each other and talked about ducks.
Then Brennan speaks the best vows ever: She reads the letter she wrote when buried alive by the Gravedigger back in Season 2.
“Dear Agent Booth,
You are a confusing man. You are irrational and impulsive, superstitious and exasperating. You believe in ghosts and angels and maybe even Santa Claus. And because of you, I’ve started to see the universe differently. How is it possible that simply looking into your fine face gives me so much joy? Why does it make me so happy that every time I try to sneak a peek at you, you’re already looking at me? Like you, it makes no sense. And like you, it feels right. If I ever get out of here, I will find a time and a place to tell you that you make my life messy and confusing and unfocused and irrational and wonderful.”
After that, Booth and Brennan kiss and everything really is wonderful.
Quotes, for when a recap is not enough
“We only have the church ’til 11. Can you cry after 11?” – Booth to Angela
“I’ve got some stuff from Ecclesiastes that’s going to kill.” – Hodgins, on his wedding reading
“God grants me patience for just such events.” – Priest, between the second and third cell phone calls
“We are sleeping together. Sleeping of course is a euphemism for sex …” – Brennan
“I’m really sorry, Father.” – Booth
“You don’t have to apologize, Booth! It’s not like he’s going to be jealous.” – Brennan
“I’ll put 25 dollars on the wedding being canceled by lunchtime tomorrow.” – Hodgins
“50 bucks says it’s canceled before the Sun goes down.” – Sweets
“I don’t need sleep to be beautiful.” – Brennan
“No. But it does help you be pleasant.” – Hodgins
“Brennan realizes the enormity of this case, she’s gonna ditch the wedding. So you want me to keep quiet until after the nuptials.” – Hodgins, spouting a new conspiracy theory
“Yes, Dr. Hodgins. Nothing gets by you” – Cam
“I have to solve this case be
fore I consummate my marriage.” – Brennan
“Does anyone besides me care about this poor murdered woman?” – Clark
“You don’t want your fingers to smell like death when Booth puts on the wedding ring!” – Angela
“Dr. Wells is a polymath and more than qualified to do the research. And if he isn’t, we dismiss him. No one likes him anyway.” – Brennan
“What the hell. Can I say that?” – Max
“Yeah, what the hell.” – Aldo
“My God, Booth. You burned the church down?” – Max
“Booth says that Mom burned down the church.” – Brennan
“Death by clarinet. That’d be awesome.” – Fisher
“I would wear elephant tusks on my head and have a squirrel monkey do the wedding ceremony if that’s what you wanted.” – Booth to Brennan
“None of you has found a life companion. It seemed unfair to ask lonely people like yourselves to watch the joyous celebration Booth and I had planned.” – Brennan to the squinterns
“Booth, it is my fatherly duty to tell you if you hurt my girl, I’ll kill you.” – Max, not making an idle threat
“This is not one man ceremonially handing over a woman to another man as though she’s property. Okay?” – Brennan
“If anyone here has any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, keep it to yourself or get out. Because this is going to happen!” – Aldo
“Temperance, will you be speaking from the heart as well?” – Aldo
“No. I will be speaking from my mouth.” – Brennan
“So what do you think happens now?” – Booth
“Everything that happens next.” – Brennan