bones mastadon in the room 'Bones' season premiere: It's not easy being the lynchpinTo paraphrase a commenter who clearly shares my worldview, our national nightmare is over. “Bones” is finally back, and whether you tune in for the forensic high jinks or the sexual tension, we can all agree it was a stand-up episode.

And since we all know there are two camps of “Bones” fans, let’s break down some of “The Mastodon in the Room’s” biggest moments and takeaways by the organ they cater to — your brain and your heart, perverts.

For the squints:

-“Bones” has always done an admirable job of balancing patriotism with questioning authority, so after Parker’s somewhat left-field request for his father to go to Afghanistan in the season finale, we get a new storyline about the powers that be trying to conceal Cam’s (Tamara Taylor) findings on veterans with brain damage — something the actress says we’ll see more of.
-Thank. God. Since Zach was institutionalized for his stint as the cannibal’s apprentice, we’ve had to deal with way too many interns. And while it’s still unclear as to whether some or all of them will return, if they had to pick one to come back, we’re glad it was Wendell Bray (Michael Grant Terry). He’s always been the least annoying… and the most handsome. 
-How good was it to finally see D.A. Caroline Julian finally get credit for being the series’ silent matriarch? Patricia Belcher is such a wildly underrated character actress, and though she’s only clocked in 19 episodes on the series, we’ve always thought of her as one of its best assets. She did a hell of a job bringing everyone back together — even if it involved some incredibly unrealistic cell phone reception. 

For the shippers:

-Brennan’s (Emily Deschanel) jealousy for Booth’s (David Boreanaz) new gal won’t likely manifest until much later in the season, if it does at all, but for now we get brief moments of her subliminal distress at the thought of him with another woman. When she blurted out, “you arrested me once,” trying wiggle back into his good graces, our hearts grew three sizes, Grinch-style.
-Having Angela (Michaela Conlin) and Hodgins (T.J. Thyne) return not only as sound married couple but parents-to-be should really satisfy the fans who are so angrily demanding for a Booth/Brennan relationship. You can’t have everything, guys. Or we won’t have a show. 
-Daisy (Carla Gallo) and Sweets (John Francis Daley) might not have the most epic romance, but they definitely get the cutest moments of all the (non)couples… Sweets: “I’m sorry, but I’m just not the same guy I was when you left me holding my crushed heart in my hands.” Daisy: “I know. You wear hats now and a cute little beard.” (Side note: the sooner we get rid of the Sweetstache, the better)

Brennanism of the week:

More so than the mysteries and the relationships, snappy dialogue is at the true heart of “Bones,” and nothing better epitomizes this than the bizarre declarations of the out-of-touch Dr. Temperance Brennan. This is our new favorite: “Yes, it’s very good to see you. Because you are my best friend, and I love you like a sister — I assume, not having an actual sister to use as a control.”

So there we have it. The Scoobies have reassembled, Booth and Brennan are platonic partners once again and the earth continues to spin on its axis. Next week: Hannah Burley! Let us know what you thought in the comments.

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Photo credit: FOX

Posted by:Mikey O'Connell