caprica esai morales eric stoltz 320 'Caprica' recap: Agnes Of iPodSo, to refresh, “Caprica”: Daniel Graystone had a rough day. He lost his company to hated rival Tomas Vergis, his wife found out he was a mob-tied murderer, and then wife and robot daughter both committed separate suicide (drowning, exploding). Since then, he’s just been hanging out, screamin’ and drinkin’ and gettin’ real crazy. Resolutely not shavin’.

Joe Adama has hated Daniel ever since Daniel created a creepy, screamy daughter copy in the Matrix who later accidentally led him into drug addiction, then treated him to a murder-suicide of her own. Luckily he bounced back (frakking finally) and now Joe’s a made man in the Tauron Mob, so when crazy Daniel comes a-courtin’ (since that worked out so well last time), he gets the job taking care of arrangements.

Arrangements for what? Well, it’s funny. See, Daniel and cult leader Clarice Willow have both happened upon a way to sell virtual grief avoidance to the masses: Daniel as a way of holding onto our loved ones, and Clarice as part of a kooky plan to create a heaven for martyrs — “Apotheosis” to virtual Rivendell — which will then serve as a recruitment tool after some large-scale terrorist attacks.

Clarice’s kooky reasoning — which fails to sway Pope Meg Tilly or her best monk despite a fantastically insane virtual PowerPoint presentation of little girls blowing themselves up — is that since nobody has faith in God anymore, you might as well give them a creepy Disneyland version of heaven instead, and then they’ll just pretend. The Pope, realizing that Clarice is a wacked-out motherf***er with magic evangelism powers, sends some monks to kill her. Luckily, Clarice has already done her usual thing of smoking tons of hash and sleeping with randoms to make them join her cult.

Somehow, through the power of her makeouts and Jesus freak eyeballs, Clarice causes the lead Monk to get stabbed full of holes. This proves to Pope Meg that Clarice should just be given whatever she wants for now. All this happens on Gemenon, which looks like virtual Hogwarts as portrayed using technology from 1995.

After they tell him to blow up his mother, and he refuses — but that was okay or something because they were just kidding anyway — Joe and his awesome brother Sam finally let Daniel be in their Tauron mafia, even though they all know he’ll end up screwed somehow by this deal. And over at Graystone, Daniel’s top guy Cyrus is still acting kind of like a mole for his drunk, mean mobster ass, so he goes against Vergis’s orders to melt the Zo� robot down to scrap and instead boxes her in a literal box.

Which is fine, because somehow Zo� ended up in New Caprica City, where she has the same undying/Matrix powers as Joe’s dead daughter Tamara, with the extra bonus of her horrible personality. For some reason she’s taken to stalking around underneath the virtual abandoned highways in a cloak and carrying a sword, looking for Tamara so they can fight or else be Internet God together, or probably both. Given the nonsensical, pandering kung-fu fight she gets into with some Tamara Cultists, probably both.

It was stupid and it was mean — oh, Lacy’s still being a terrorist and Barnabas is clearly screwing his youngster cultists, so there’s that to look forward to — but at the end, it’s all better: Amanda Graystone is alive after all, shacked up in some lesbian cabin with Clarice, looking like hell but communicating with her husband as well as she can, considering she left him for doing exactly what he is now doing. Now just get me my virtual Philo — the only person who actually stayed dead — and we’ll call it even. In the meantime, yeah, let’s stick the two most bats*** crazy women in the history of television in a cabin, and see who cracks first. That sounds like a good idea.

Next week, presumably: More shooting, more yelling, lots of kickass fighting in the Matrix for no real reason, more stupid Three Wise Men nativity outfits on Gemenon, and Clarice making spooky witchy sex faces at everybody.

Photo credit: Syfy

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